Where there's a will there's... relatives.

[Ms Grace]

I'll be updating my will next month. A lot has changed since I wrote my last (which was also my first)... most notably my name and a few extra family members (2 nieces via my brother and one niece via my sister). Also, my net worth has improved since that first will, decreasing debt and increasing asset worth means that, should I kick the bucket today, there'd be a bit of $$ to divvy up for outstretched hands - as opposed to pretty much none back in 2006.

As I don't have a significant other or any direct dependents it makes sense that my estate would go on to my sister and brother and/or their children. At least that's what they would be expecting I guess. Thing is, I feel very poorly treated by my sister. I've been fully transitioned for almost 30 months and she still hasn't told her daughter about me. Ditto my brother and his daughters. Essentially my presence is never requested at larger family gatherings for that reason. It's totally their choice, albeit a very poor one and I do feel they're treating me like some shameful/embarrassing secret. 

There is no way they can treat me that way and expect to receive a cent of my estate upon my demise. Neither them or their children. I know it's hardly the children's fault but yes, I am that petty. Anyway, I'm updating my will to direct my estate to a couple of charities. I'm not telling my brother or sister; should they ever stop treating me like dirt then I'll happily and promptly change the will again. I'll be seeing a solicitor in the next week or so to make it official and put in place whatever needs to be put in place to ensure it cannot be challenged.

It's cold comfort to take revenge from beyond the grave but at least it would be my way of saying "up yours" to my siblings. I thought I might be a better person than this, and in many ways I think I am (at least some very needy people helped by the charities would say so), but at the same time I don't want to reward my sibling's bigoted behaviour.

Not that I plan on shuffling off this mortal coil any time soon... but we usually never have much say or opportunity to differ when the Grim Skeleton Dude pays a visit.

[Mariah]

It's always smart to do this. Fact is 4 years ago I nearly died and would have had no control as to what happens to my stuff. I still haven't wrote one yet. At least you have taken care of that issue for yourself. Grace you can only do what you can. It's true it might say up yours by excluding them, but in the end they have done this to themselves. So they only have themselves to blame for not being in your will. Their loss and not yours. Hugs
Mariah

[LizK]

I think you are more than entitled to a little bit of up yours...Life is full of examples of "natural consequences" and the natural consequence in this case is...no $$ for the unsupportive siblings or their family. Nothing unreasonable with that stance. They can't expect to treat you poorly and then hold out their hands when you "shuffle off this mortal coil"
Throw a big over the top party....

LIz

[kelly_aus]

When my partner died, I was adopted by her daughter. My estate, what little there is of it, is now set up to be split amongst her 3 kids. We discussed it and my adopted daughter said that she didn't want to be the recipient, but she thought it was a lovely idea that I leave it to the kids.

Funny how sometimes family is where you find it.

[Kylo]

The title made me laugh. It's so true. Even people who hate your guts will come out of the woodwork if they get a sniff of some free stuff.

[JoanneB]

Exacting revenge from beyond the grave is a classic.  But might I suggest the "Dear Abby" approach of the 2 penny tip?  If the kids aren't hostile (I know, hard to really know what goes on behind closed doors) then leave a token to the kids, nothing to your siblings and a note in the will how xxx will be going towards some TG outreach & support group?

Just think of the looks and their faces knowing.... "What might have been"?  I suspect you know too well how sucky that feeling is

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Here's my thought: subvert your siblings' kids by sending them small monetary gifts--say, a bond in their name or cold hard cash--at Xmas or birthday. They will wonder "Who is Aunt Grace?" "Isn't she nice?" and "Why won't my parents let me see her?"

When they get older and more independent they might surprise you by coming out to visit you. The best part is that your nieces/nephews will end up thinking less of their own parents because they were ashamed of you. The sweetest revenge!

[AnonyMs]

I'm not out to my family but I'd do the same if I'm treated badly.

[Lady Sarah]

My biological family is completely supportive, and I am grateful for them. If it were not for them, all I would have left is the surviving members of my adoptive family, which treated me like I was lower than fish bait. I would rather leave everything to a homeless shelter, than to leave anything to the adoptive family. I would say the same about my biological father if he were still alive.

If I were to die tomorrow, I could trust my husband, mother, brother, and sister, to all do what is right. In that sense, I am blessed.

[Arch]

Well, Anxiety got there before me. I, too, am thinking that you can leave a small monetary gift for each child--a bond seems like a great idea, but I hadn't thought that far in advance--but anyway, leave enough to establish that you are not actively punishing the kids. Every few years, you can always revisit these bequests and make them more or less generous.

But leave nothing for people who have actively disdained you. I don't think of it so much as revenge; I think of it as karma. Seriously, if people treat you like crap, can they reasonably expect you to treat them with generosity? If you leave them loads of money, you have justified their smug bigotry; if you leave them nothing, all you really do is confirm their existing feelings about you. If you leave them nothing while leaving something for the kids, I'm not sure what effect that will have! Bigots don't tend to be very reflective about their bigotry, but maybe you will give them food for thought. Or maybe not. But if you want, your will can make abundantly clear why the kids are getting something but your siblings aren't.

Perhaps the best of us would counsel you to "turn the other cheek," but I'm a fan of "what goes around comes around." I believe that rewarding bigotry is problematic.

Love the subject line, by the way.

[Rachel]

Grace,

I am sorry your bother and sister do not welcome you into their families. That is their choice and your estate is your choice and how you dispose of it. Perhaps instead of revenge on them another perspective would be donating to those that welcome you and help others.

[stephaniec]

I was going to leave money, but I ended up spending it on survival.