More dysphoria...

[Hughie]

Hey everyone,

Really experiencing a lot of dysphoria this week... have been struggling a lot with clothes, and now that I cut off my hair last week, I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. I don't know who I'm looking at in the mirror. Or what to wear. I've got some new clothes over the last month, which I like.

Yesterday I went through the closet to give away some old clothes since I was out of space, and it was really tough. I tried on some shirts, slacks, dresses... I'm out to my family but not anyone else. Putting on dresses / blouses feels so wrong right now. Especially staring at myself in the full length mirror with the short hair. It's really weird. Even though I'm betting I'm a more feminine trans guy, but it's early days.

Now with the hair chopped off, I'm really anxious that I'm going to be mistaken as a lesbian (this happened 20 years ago when I last cut off all my hair). Don't get me wrong, I have friends who are lesbians and they're great, but I'm very much interested in men but I don't think I look like the kind of guy pre-T most guys would be into. I am trying to figure out how/when to transition... this awkward state is much tougher than pretending everything was business as usual in my more feminine/tomboy look.

Supposed to go to a family dinner out tonight, no idea what to wear... I'd rather hide under the table.

Anyone else got any tips on how deal? Has anyone else been through this?

[Mal]

I don't think you should worry about being mistaken for a lesbian. I've had hairstyles about your length and still been hit on by random guys, and I was usually wearing jeans and men's polo shirts at the time.

I think that in between time in which you start presenting more masculine but are either pre-T or just starting it and haven't had surgery is hard. I get a fair amount of people calling me sir than changing it to ma'am when I'm out places, which really doesn't help my dysphoria.

I typically avoid mirrors because I never look the way I expect or want.

Depending on how fancy the restaurant is, I usually wear either dress pants or jeans and a men's button down or polo shirt. All my jobs had business casual dress codes, so I've always had an abundance of those.

[Hughie]

Tonight was tough with the family. In the end, we didn't go anywhere and instead had several hours of intense family talks, mostly with my sister and then with my Mom and I at the end. My Mom was really intense with both my sister and I. My sister is about a year separated from her husband and my Mom is having a hard time accepting this. Then with me she made fun of my appearance tonight, again. Sticking her tongue out at me (so often now she claims she doesn't know what she's doing!), and she even wanted me and my sister to wear flowers in our hair. I told her I was never the sort of person to wear flowers in my hair, ever. And she got really mad and made fun of me some more.

She's not making fun of my sister though. I came out to her as trans about 6 weeks ago (and I'm living with her right now) and I understand she's trying to process this, but she doesn't need to be mean. I told her tonight I get she's going through a process and get that she's in denial (she told me she is), but I do expect to be treated with respect. I've never made fun of her or my sister, even when they've driven me up the wall.

Tonight I feel really terrible and upset. I don't dare look in the mirror.

I'm already feeling highly insecure about my appearance and it's like she's preying on this the last few weeks. At the moment, I really regret telling anybody about this. I told them because we're a close family, but yeah. Maybe I should've waited till I wasn't staying with my Mom, but it's done now. My sister is more supportive but also early in the processing stage.

[Hughie]

I don't think you should worry about being mistaken for a lesbian. I've had hairstyles about your length and still been hit on by random guys, and I was usually wearing jeans and men's polo shirts at the time.

I think that in between time in which you start presenting more masculine but are either pre-T or just starting it and haven't had surgery is hard. I get a fair amount of people calling me sir than changing it to ma'am when I'm out places, which really doesn't help my dysphoria.

I typically avoid mirrors because I never look the way I expect or want.

Depending on how fancy the restaurant is, I usually wear either dress pants or jeans and a men's button down or polo shirt. All my jobs had business casual dress codes, so I've always had an abundance of those.

Cheers. I agree, this in between time is the pits.

I wore a nice men's button down and nice cargo trousers. More trendy of a restaurant than fancy, but in the end we didn't go anywhere.

[Daria67]

I share similar feelings. Looking into my closet is painful. I have yet to go to a family function as the real me. I wear skirts in public.

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[Hughie]

I share similar feelings. Looking into my closet is painful. I have yet to go to a family function as the real me. I wear skirts in public.

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I feel this so much. As a woman, I expect to see myself with long hair, etc. Now with the cropped hair I feel like I'm cross dressing or something.

[Daria67]

I want a cute pixie cut!

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[DawnOday]

Tonight was tough with the family. In the end, we didn't go anywhere and instead had several hours of intense family talks, mostly with my sister and then with my Mom and I at the end. My Mom was really intense with both my sister and I. My sister is about a year separated from her husband and my Mom is having a hard time accepting this. Then with me she made fun of my appearance tonight, again. Sticking her tongue out at me (so often now she claims she doesn't know what she's doing!), and she even wanted me and my sister to wear flowers in our hair. I told her I was never the sort of person to wear flowers in my hair, ever. And she got really mad and made fun of me some more.

She's not making fun of my sister though. I came out to her as trans about 6 weeks ago (and I'm living with her right now) and I understand she's trying to process this, but she doesn't need to be mean. I told her tonight I get she's going through a process and get that she's in denial (she told me she is), but I do expect to be treated with respect. I've never made fun of her or my sister, even when they've driven me up the wall.

Tonight I feel really terrible and upset. I don't dare look in the mirror.

I'm already feeling highly insecure about my appearance and it's like she's preying on this the last few weeks. At the moment, I really regret telling anybody about this. I told them because we're a close family, but yeah. Maybe I should've waited till I wasn't staying with my Mom, but it's done now. My sister is more supportive but also early in the processing stage.

Whose life are you living? Mom's already chosen her life. Yours is still ahead of you. Hair can be cut, styled, grown out, cut into mullets or mohawks. Psyche that's hard to change if not impossible. Do what makes you...you. As Ferris said. "Life moves pretty fast"  Take it from an old lady it only gets worse the longer you wait. I didn't see any therapy mentioned here. If you have not contacted a therapist yet I encourage you to do so. They can help you deal with your Mom.  Also on a wiki on this site is information on how to write a letter to your parents. Good Luck.

[Hughie]

Whose life are you living? Mom's already chosen her life. Yours is still ahead of you. Hair can be cut, styled, grown out, cut into mullets or mohawks. Psyche that's hard to change if not impossible. Do what makes you...you. As Ferris said. "Life moves pretty fast"  Take it from an old lady it only gets worse the longer you wait. I didn't see any therapy mentioned here. If you have not contacted a therapist yet I encourage you to do so. They can help you deal with your Mom.  Also on a wiki on this site is information on how to write a letter to your parents. Good Luck.

I posted elsewhere that I've started therapy arranged through a GLBTQ charity in my area, twelve sessions. I've seen my counselor three times now and he's great. The interesting thing we talked about last time, that I didn't realise, that in his culture of origin (he's Mexican) and my culture of origin (Mediterranean, let's say ) are very collectivist societies vs the individualist culture in North America. Which caught me off guard, since I've been raised in Canada, the way of relating to others, family and community that I seem to do is focused on collective patterns, and thoughts of family/community are put ahead of my own.

I did tell my Mom a couple months ago - she was okay at first but then as the news has digested, she occasionally gets very worked up as she process through all this for herself. Meanwhile, I'm processing my stuff for myself.

The other interesting insight is the conflict between the rational/intellectual side vs the emotional side. I can see that at this age, I am free to do what I want and for many things, I do. But emotionally, the old unconscious pattern is the old community first one. So I thought that was fascinating.

The other news of the week was that my Mom told my auntie (a long time family friend) that I'm trans. I'm sure my Mom didn't exactly sell it, and my auntie was soooo excited. According to my Mom, she said, 'That's fantastic! Now she can be the person she's always wanted to be!' Which stunned me, of course, but I was happy! She's a social worker, but also from a traditional culture, so that has given me hope. And she's known me since I was a small kid, so she's observed me for many years, and I guess she picked up that something was off.

As for me, I realise to some degree this a leap of faith and I don't know what the end goal is for myself, ie full medical transition or what (and I know there's plenty of non-binary folks out there too). But I'm definitely more male than female. I've only acknowledged that I'm trans to myself this past spring, so I don't want to get into any permanent changes quite yet, not before I finish counselling by the end of October. By then, I should have more of road map for myself, I'm hoping. Probably T and and name change, but time will tell.

[Hughie]

I want a cute pixie cut!

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Lol! You can have the one that everyone seems to want to give me.

The trick is, a pixie cut is usually considered a very feminine thing, and for me, I'm trying to move away from that and be more masculine... but on my terms, which meant no buzz cut. I'm not sure why people seem to think a mid-length men's cut translates to pixie cut. Doesn't help with the dyphoria.

[WolfNightV4X1]

Lol! You can have the one that everyone seems to want to give me.

The trick is, a pixie cut is usually considered a very feminine thing, and for me, I'm trying to move away from that and be more masculine... but on my terms, which meant no buzz cut. I'm not sure why people seem to think a mid-length men's cut translates to pixie cut. Doesn't help with the dyphoria.

Never liked buzzcuts either, not fond of it on men much less myself. I Im going to be a man its on my terms as well

[Daria67]

I have asked for it in the past but they never did it properly and basically would give me a man's cut .

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[Hughie]

Never liked buzzcuts either, not fond of it on men much less myself. I Im going to be a man its on my terms as well

Ah, glad I'm not alone here in not being a fan of the buzz cut. Agreed, I generally don't think it's flattering to anyone. I suppose it's useful if you're in the military? But as an aesthetic, no dice.

[Hughie]

I have asked for it in the past but they never did it properly and basically would give me a man's cut .

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Lol, clearly we need to trade hair people. I think that's the moral of the story here. I even took pictures with me, none of them pixie cuts, but got a semi-standard issue men's style. I'm lucky he left parts of the top of my hair a couple inches long, heh. Next time to a stylist and not a barber, I think!

[Hughie]

Here's my expression about unwanted pixie cuts...

But the good news is that I'm getting more used to the sight of myself now, yay. Feeling a bit better about my appearance the last couple of days, more used to the short hair after ten days. Dunno if I pass based on sight, but I am happy with the shirt I'm wearing here. And that I survived physio, whoo. Though I admit I look a bit tortured, it's damned hot. And, well, pixie cuts.

Daria, I'm sending you all the pixie cuts people keep trying to give me, lol.

[Daria67]

Even stylists have given me men's style cuts

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[KarlMars]

I would suggest a military undercut, or a short flat top if you want to be hyper masculine. Don't worry if you're not as masculine as you want to be yet. When/If you ever decide to get on hormones you will transform into your most masculine form. If you haven't already look at before and after pictures of men who have been on T a few years.

I personally am a big fan of military style haircuts.

[Hughie]

Even stylists have given me men's style cuts

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Something to look forward to, then.

[Hughie]

I would suggest a military undercut, or a short flat top if you want to be hyper masculine. Don't worry if you're not as masculine as you want to be yet. When/If you ever decide to get on hormones you will transform into your most masculine form. If you haven't already look at before and after pictures of men who have been on T a few years.

I personally am a big fan of military style haircuts.

I'm not worried about being hyper masculine right now, since this is really early days for me. The difference would be T for me, I think! Then I can be even more ridiculous with my hair.

[KarlMars]

I'm not worried about being hyper masculine right now, since this is really early days for me. The difference would be T for me, I think! Then I can be even more ridiculous with my hair.

Right, once your face masculinizes you'll be able to have more leeway with your hair. Do you have a therapist yet or know when you'll start T?