Feeling down -Thinkingg about not transitioning.

[Confetti]

Hi guys, I kind of need to vent / rant and i'm not sure whether this is going to come out in a nonsensical order or not.


I'm not sure where to start, but i'm deeply questioning whether or not or should start transitioning. I had my plan in mind to go and stay at my house at university alone for the next two months, and come out to my family and friends from there. I planned on then going back to university at the end of september presenting full time as female. Right now money is basically none existent for me - I wanted to get on hormones with GenderGP which is doable within a month and then I would atleast be on hormones for almost a month before starting back at university. This would be around £200 for the time being, which isn't crazy expensive but I have barely anything and still have to pay tons for the deposit for my house for the next university year which I'll be moving to in september. I don't get my student loans until October, and this sets my plan further back. I wanted to go back to university with my transition in check and running somewhat smoothly. This money issues means I would have to go back to university presenting as male, and then suddenly not after a few weeks. I wanted to use the next two months to practice makeup, accumulate clothes etc. For the time being I don't think I would need electro or laser because I don't have thick or prominent facial hair.

I think another one of the big realities is that i'm scared. Throughout my life i've always questioned why people were friends with me, and now at university I have a great circle of friends. Looking at it, I feel like I am the token gay friend, 90% of my friends are girls. And while I think most of them would be accepting, I feel like they would view me differently, be weirded out etc. I'm scared that they won't want to go out in public with me. I have an extremely enjoyable social life as a student and I don't want to sacrifice that and isolate myself. But at the same time, I can't imagine going out in public presenting as female. The thought is terrifying. I'm not sure if i'm trying to throw myself in this too quickly but I really don't want a slow, gradual transition. I don't want that awkward inbetween stage.

It also sounds extremely superficial and harmful to the trans community but I feel like I don't want to transition unless I pass. I have this false image in my head of what I want to look like, and it will not be achievable. I blame only myself for this and idolising youtubers like Gigi and Julie Vu - they look incredible and I want a slice of that. I'm impatient and a poor student, I know at the end of the day theres nothing I can do about it and you might just tell me to suck it up but it's causing me real anxiety. 

Sorry that this is so long, i'm not really sure why i'm posting it I just need to get it off my chest, get some advice maybe.   

[Ms Grace]

What you are saying is all completely reasonable and understandable. Full transition is not a simple activity it is a major life changing (and, hopefully, life affirming) event. It needs time, money, support, confidence and acceptance - both from yourself and others around you be they friends or family.

I tried to transition when I was 24, just out of uni...I had supportive female friends but felt isolated all the same; despite having a job my finances were limited and the fear of losing my job at the point of transioning to full time, while unwarranted, was very real for me; I was afraid of not being able to pass even though I did most of the time. In the end I didn't transition despite having been on full HRT for two years. That was a decision that made me very sad but I felt I had no other choice. So I understand where you are coming from.

If you can't transition now, for whatever reason or reasons, then you can't transition now. The operative word here though is "now"...consider that even if you do not transition now that doesn't stop you from transitioning later when things are more stable or supportive or doable.

I went into twenty years of self denial which ultimately spiralled into depression and a dysphoria melt down...so I don't recommend waiting that long or denying who you are.

You don't become cis/non-trans just because you don't transition, you just become a non-transitioned trans person and still have to deal with the emotional fall out from that reality too. All the best, take it easy, be kind to yourself, and do what you can do when you can do it...and you will get there.

[Confetti]

What you are saying is all completely reasonable and understandable. Full transition is not a simple activity it is a major life changing (and, hopefully, life affirming) event. It needs time, money, support, confidence and acceptance - both from yourself and others around you be they friends or family.

I tried to transition when I was 24, just out of uni...I had supportive female friends but felt isolated all the same; despite having a job my finances were limited and the fear of losing my job at the point of transioning to full time, while unwarranted, was very real for me; I was afraid of not being able to pass even though I did most of the time. In the end I didn't transition despite having been on full HRT for two years. That was a decision that made me very sad but I felt I had no other choice. So I understand where you are coming from.

If you can't transition now, for whatever reason or reasons, then you can't transition now. The operative word here though is "now"...consider that even if you do not transition now that doesn't stop you from transitioning later when things are more stable or supportive or doable.

I went into twenty years of self denial which ultimately spiralled into depression and a dysphoria melt down...so I don't recommend waiting that long or denying who you are.

You don't become cis/non-trans just because you don't transition, you just become a non-transitioned trans person and still have to deal with the emotional fall out from that reality too. All the best, take it easy, be kind to yourself, and do what you can do when you can do it...and you will get there.

Thankyou Grace,

I think my fear is that if I don't do it now, I never will. I'm terrified i'll wake up one day when i'm in my thirties and regret waiting so long. With this being my final year of university, I feel like it's THE ideal time as by graduation comes and i'm job hunting for my career, I will be full time and not have to go through the potential struggle of transitioning in my career.

[Seshatneferw]

With this being my final year of university, I feel like it's THE ideal time as by graduation comes and i'm job hunting for my career, I will be full time and not have to go through the potential struggle of transitioning in my career.

Having your degree under the right name makes things easier, yes. On the other hand, it's certainly possible to transition mid-career; how easy or hard that is, depends on where you work. I got my university lecturership at a time when I had an unambiguously male name yet showed up at the job interview wearing a (subtly but visibly) female T-shirt and a bra underneath. These days, I've got academic publications under both names, and that hasn't been too much of a problem; the people to whom I have explicitly come out (including the plenary session of a small conference I was co-chairing – that was kind of scary ) haven't had problems. I know I'm very lucky in this, but nevertheless it shows that transitioning later in life isn't altogether impossible.

One thing to consider is that living in your birth-assigned gender will not become easier, although it may not become too much harder either. Transitioning is scary regardless of when you start it, so if you are sure you need to do it eventually you might as well get it over with. But like Grace wrote, if you feel it isn't an option right now then don't do it right now.

[Dena]

I think the only perfect time to switch roles is when you retire from work and can tell the world where to go. In my case, I planed on switching roles on the job but a layoff destroyed those plans. Instead I pushed up the schedule and switched roles before before seeking my next job. It was hard on the nerves appearing before so many strangers in the new role and hoping they would give me a new job but it worked. The best suggestion I can give you is to move forward when you feel you are ready and the time is right. You will be the best judge of that.

[barbie]

Nothing prevents me from transitioning now, but I do not. It is still optional to me. At my age, I just think it will not bring so much further satisfaction. If you are not ready, do not it. It is irreversible.

barbie~~

[Confetti]

Having your degree under the right name makes things easier, yes. On the other hand, it's certainly possible to transition mid-career; how easy or hard that is, depends on where you work. I got my university lecturership at a time when I had an unambiguously male name yet showed up at the job interview wearing a (subtly but visibly) female T-shirt and a bra underneath. These days, I've got academic publications under both names, and that hasn't been too much of a problem; the people to whom I have explicitly come out (including the plenary session of a small conference I was co-chairing – that was kind of scary ) haven't had problems. I know I'm very lucky in this, but nevertheless it shows that transitioning later in life isn't altogether impossible.

One thing to consider is that living in your birth-assigned gender will not become easier, although it may not become too much harder either. Transitioning is scary regardless of when you start it, so if you are sure you need to do it eventually you might as well get it over with. But like Grace wrote, if you feel it isn't an option right now then don't do it right now.

Thankyou! Maybe I will have to take the leap of faith and roll with it.

I think the only perfect time to switch roles is when you retire from work and can tell the world where to go. In my case, I planed on switching roles on the job but a layoff destroyed those plans. Instead I pushed up the schedule and switched roles before before seeking my next job. It was hard on the nerves appearing before so many strangers in the new role and hoping they would give me a new job but it worked. The best suggestion I can give you is to move forward when you feel you are ready and the time is right. You will be the best judge of that.

Nothing prevents me from transitioning now, but I do not. It is still optional to me. At my age, I just think it will not bring so much further satisfaction. If you are not ready, do not it. It is irreversible.

barbie~~

Thanks Dena and Barbie,
I think I definitely am ready in myself, there are just external barriers that I need to hurdle over I guess which are leaving me feeling quite defeated.

[Tessa James]

The time to start transition is when you are ready to acknowledge that step is yours to take and you are ready to say YES to yourself.  You have taken steps already by being here and informing yourself and visiting other sites.  Nowhere in your post do you seem to be questioning that you are trans?  The question then is will I live in the closet or set myself free?

Having fears and doubts about passing are very common and we likely all have an image of the person we would really prefer to look like.  The more specific our goals are it seems the more likely we may eventually change them.

I consider transitioning to be a gift and a journey of self liberation.  As an older transitioner the most common refrain I hear from people is; I wish I had started sooner!

There has never been a better time, with more information, resources, support, medical and mental health options available than ever before.  You have friends who may consider you courageous and honest by coming out.  You may find that your relief and anxiety will be reduced by simply being true to yourself.  You can do it!

[Confetti]

The time to start transition is when you are ready to acknowledge that step is yours to take and you are ready to say YES to yourself.  You have taken steps already by being here and informing yourself and visiting other sites.  Nowhere in your post do you seem to be questioning that you are trans?  The question then is will I live in the closet or set myself free?

Having fears and doubts about passing are very common and we likely all have an image of the person we would really prefer to look like.  The more specific our goals are it seems the more likely we may eventually change them.

I consider transitioning to be a gift and a journey of self liberation.  As an older transitioner the most common refrain I hear from people is; I wish I had started sooner!

There has never been a better time, with more information, resources, support, medical and mental health options available than ever before.  You have friends who may consider you courageous and honest by coming out.  You may find that your relief and anxiety will be reduced by simply being true to yourself.  You can do it!

Thankyou so much Tessa, this really made me think. Especially the part where you said "Nowhere in your post do you seem to be questioning that you are trans?  The question then is will I live in the closet or set myself free?".

The thing is i've actually known my whole life really, I was actually quite vocal about it as a toddler and would constantly tell my parents that when I grew up I wanted to be a girl, have long hair (and even boobs lol)

They never told me it was bad to think that, I just think once I started school I realised that when I grew up I wasn't going to "develop" into a girl so I dropped it I guess.

I think you're right, there isn't a better time I just need to take control of the situation maybe

[Tessa James]

It is a delight to be a cheerleader and support you while still knowing there are challenges ahead  

I grew up thinking I was really a girl who would be a mom and my sister named me Tessa at age 3.  I also knew I was different and thought puberty would be the time I would finally change into that girl.  Very disappointed when boners popped up instead

I felt I had female breasts most of my life and delighted to now be real.  We are worth the effort!

[Confetti]

It is a delight to be a cheerleader and support you while still knowing there are challenges ahead  

I grew up thinking I was really a girl who would be a mom and my sister named me Tessa at age 3.  I also knew I was different and thought puberty would be the time I would finally change into that girl.  Very disappointed when boners popped up instead

I felt I had female breasts most of my life and delighted to now be real.  We are worth the effort!

I too was very disappointed!
Even when I was young, even though I was 'presenting' as male (or whatever I should call it) I often got confused for a girl too, which I found weird because I had short hair, dressed in typical 'boy' clothing etc. I remember one time I walked into a shop looking for pyjamas with my dad and the store assistant thought I was a girl and started showing us some Minnie Mouse nighties  that was an awkward one!

[V]

There is no way I could or would tell you what to do or not do.
But, I can say from bitter personal experience, that the longer you leave it, the harder it will become to transition. I wish so much I had the strength and wherewithall to have transitioned earlier than I did.

[Confetti]

There is no way I could or would tell you what to do or not do.
But, I can say from bitter personal experience, that the longer you leave it, the harder it will become to transition. I wish so much I had the strength and wherewithall to have transitioned earlier than I did.

Thankyou! That is my main worry, I don't want to wake up one day and regret not doing it this early.

[Mariah]

That was a fear I had when I went to detransition after my first transition. I did get back to it, but just a few years down the road and this time it was transition or die time. Part of me regrets that I'm as old as I am this time around when I started, but I also know that mentally I was ready this time around and have moved along fairly smoothly because I had to work through most of my issues coming into transition this time. In the end, you need to do what works for you. I'm not saying you won't regret waiting, but if your not ready to now best to wait tell you are. Transition is a huge life changing process that takes lots of time and money. So don't feel bad if you decided to back off and see what happens. Hugs
Mariah

Thankyou Grace,

I think my fear is that if I don't do it now, I never will. I'm terrified i'll wake up one day when i'm in my thirties and regret waiting so long. With this being my final year of university, I feel like it's THE ideal time as by graduation comes and i'm job hunting for my career, I will be full time and not have to go through the potential struggle of transitioning in my career.

[Rachel_Christina]

You are really pretty as is, so I don't think you need to be on HRT to socially transition! Your best doing this now, and not worry about anyone, if they dont accept you they wern't your friends anyway, they just didn't know it!

[Confetti]

That was a fear I had when I went to detransition after my first transition. I did get back to it, but just a few years down the road and this time it was transition or die time. Part of me regrets that I'm as old as I am this time around when I started, but I also know that mentally I was ready this time around and have moved along fairly smoothly because I had to work through most of my issues coming into transition this time. In the end, you need to do what works for you. I'm not saying you won't regret waiting, but if your not ready to now best to wait tell you are. Transition is a huge life changing process that takes lots of time and money. So don't feel bad if you decided to back off and see what happens. Hugs
Mariah

Thanks Mariah! I think mentally I have accepted that this is what I need to do, I already regret not doing this as a child when I would talk about wanting to be a girl all the time 

You are really pretty as is, so I don't think you need to be on HRT to socially transition! Your best doing this now, and not worry about anyone, if they dont accept you they wern't your friends anyway, they just didn't know it!

Thankyou so much Christine! That's been such another big part of my anxiety - Not being on hrt at the start of going full time, or only being on it for a month or so. But I think it's really the best way to do it and suit me.