How Do You Deal With the Doubts?

[Reyes]

So, I doubt there's any real answer to this, but as the title says, how do you deal with the nagging doubts?

Cause at times, well I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, and a few times now the doubts has me thinking, what if it's actually like what happens to psychology students where they read so much they begin to development symptoms for something they don't have. Cause like, after I realized I might be trans I started doing all the research, becoming more and more sure as I read, and like a month later I believe is when the gender dysphoria started building up.

And it's like, the rational part of my mind knows it doesn't go, oh I'm trans, boom dysphoria! But that doesn't stop it.

And it's, I know I'm Trans, but the doubts keep saying what if your not, but when I look in the mirror I hate what I see. I hate the horrid clothes I'm stuck wearing as men's fashion is so extremely limited. I hate feeling the hair on my legs and especially the pricklyness after shaving, and imagining growing older to look like my father makes me nauseous, and I hate everyone using Robert when talking to me, and uncle robert. He, him, all of it, but even still.

And the fact that I so often feel like I'm trying to hard, thinking one thing and then being like, no I should think this instead, and it like happens automatically, I can't stop it, all that certainly doesn't help things.

[KathyLauren]

We get so used to suppressing our real selves that it becomes a habit.  Even when we are on the right track, the suppressing part chimes in and say, "Hey, shouldn't I be suppressing this?"

I'm betting that the dysphoria didn't just show up when you realized you were probably trans.  Something made you investigate transgender issues.  That something was already there, and its name is dysphoria.  We become aware of it when we come out to ourselves, but it was always there.

I no longer have any doubt that I am trans.  But I do have moments when I wonder if it would be simpler just to sweep it all back under the rug and go back to my pretend existence.  But no, the regret if I did that would be intolerable.  I have figured this stuff out late in life, but still in time to have maybe 20 or 30 good years as my real self.  I can't deny myself that opportunity now.

A post on one of these forums recently said this: It is hard to be trans, but not nearly as hard as pretending not to be.

[Kylo]

I just think back to all the times in the past I've felt horribly uncomfortable with "ordinary situations" that relate directly to trans problems. Being made to wear the wrong gender clothing, being called the wrong gender insults, being frustrated people don't seem to be reacting to me in the way it feels they should, the problems with sex, etc. My doubts are pretty much dealt with if I look at the evidence.

If I wasn't trans, I know I would be able to do a whole bunch of things and feel comfortable that I currently don't, and I wouldn't be thinking about these things if I was cis because they wouldn't bother me or cross my mind nearly so much. I would be like my cis friends - largely oblivious to these things.

[Lady Sarah]

It would help to have emotional support, such as I had with my ex... even tho he was ~expletive deleted~. It would surely help you to realize that what you are doing is the right thing for you. I was even lucky enough to have gay friends that saw it in me, prior to transition, and stayed as friends until I was too feminine to be seen with them in public.

Is there anyone you know that can offer you a shoulder to cry on when you need it?

[Reyes]

Only online, one person, talking with her has done a lot of good for me. Doesn't really help much in person with people but, I'm glad I have her, honestly I've only known her seven or eight months and I already think of her as more a sister then my own. We're going through a lot of the same ->-bleeped-<- so it was an easy connection to make in the beginning. :3

[Soli]

for I too, the dysphoria roamed in from the day I admitted to myself I was trans. It was there before but I couldn't identify exactly why I was so uncomfortable with myself.

I don't see much doubts in what you post

every day, people on the street ask me with their eyes: do you have doubts on what you're doing? They make me stronger every time. I have no idea where I'm going with this transition with no budget at my age, but I have no doubt it's the right path. I feel good.

[Isabelle]

You don't HAVE to be trans. You can wear whatever you like, you can grow or cut your hair however you like. The only person that's going to really care is you. I suggest before committing to any labels, any self diagnosis, any medication or serious life altering changes, you see a therapist, and talk with them about what you're going through. Perhaps you ARE trans, perhaps you're not, either way, so what? What is there to really doubt? It's your life, only you have to live it. You're not alive long and when you're dead, that's it. Nothing more. There is no evidence you get a second go, or a re-do or a reward for doing or being anything, no salvation, no forgiveness. You may as well aim for happiness and authenticity to yourself, whatever those things may be, because ultimately that is all there is.

[Reyes]

You don't HAVE to be trans. You can wear whatever you like, you can grow or cut your hair however you like. The only person that's going to really care is you. I suggest before committing to any labels, any self diagnosis, any medication or serious life altering changes, you see a therapist, and talk with them about what you're going through. Perhaps you ARE trans, perhaps you're not, either way, so what? What is there to really doubt? It's your life, only you have to live it. You're not alive long and when you're dead, that's it. Nothing more. There is no evidence you get a second go, or a re-do or a reward for doing or being anything, no salvation, no forgiveness. You may as well aim for happiness and authenticity to yourself, whatever those things may be, because ultimately that is all there is.

Oh, no, no, I know I'm trans. And it may make my life miserable at the moment, but if given the choice to get rid of the feelings I would never take it. I don't want to not be trans. I honestly love the fact that I am such. But that doesn't stop the doubts.

[Cassuk]

So, I doubt there's any real answer to this, but as the title says, how do you deal with the nagging doubts?

Cause at times, well I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, and a few times now the doubts has me thinking, what if it's actually like what happens to psychology students where they read so much they begin to development symptoms for something they don't have. Cause like, after I realized I might be trans I started doing all the research, becoming more and more sure as I read, and like a month later I believe is when the gender dysphoria started building up.

And it's like, the rational part of my mind knows it doesn't go, oh I'm trans, boom dysphoria! But that doesn't stop it.

And it's, I know I'm Trans, but the doubts keep saying what if your not, but when I look in the mirror I hate what I see. I hate the horrid clothes I'm stuck wearing as men's fashion is so extremely limited. I hate feeling the hair on my legs and especially the pricklyness after shaving, and imagining growing older to look like my father makes me nauseous, and I hate everyone using Robert when talking to me, and uncle robert. He, him, all of it, but even still.

And the fact that I so often feel like I'm trying to hard, thinking one thing and then being like, no I should think this instead, and it like happens automatically, I can't stop it, all that certainly doesn't help things.

Know those feelings all to well Rheys, the voice that pops up saying "hey you may not be trans" but it usually goes away and the feeling i know i am a women inside just waiting to come out goes on full force.

Also a women living in my complex starting to chat and i could see her surprise and the disconnect when i told her my male name, i'm almost certain she expected a female name.

I so wanted to say "hey im Cass" but not being on HRT or "out" yet i would have been bad.....

[Deborah]

The way to remove the doubts is to examine every alternate explanation for what you are experiencing and eliminate them one by one until only the last explanation remains.  That's where a therapist is useful, particularly in eliminating the more exotic explanations like total freaking insanity. :-)

[Reyes]

Y'know, one of the main things that I use whenever these doubts start coming on to try and fight them, is the fact that, if I wasn't trans, why would I be suffering through the gender dysphoria. It doesn't always work, but it's useful.

[JoanneB]

When I first took on the trans-beast, for real, seven years ago I had plenty of "WTF am I doing " meltdowns. I'd change something about myself and/or my life in general and evaluate. I'd read self-help books, some which spoke to me with good insights, even some help. I'd make changes and evaluate.

With each and every little thing I did to help heal myself I felt better. Still there was PLENTY of internalized transphobia. And of course I spent the better part of 40 years working really really really hard at being a 'Normal' guy after 2 failed transition experiments. No one wants to be trans, least of me.

What got me through the doubts was one inescapable fact, things were starting to get better. Then reminding myself "I KNOW what does not work", which became an almost daily affirmation.

It took a lot of working on myself before I came to a level of acceptance that yes, I am trans and there is nothing you can do to change it. The hardest part is sorting out where on the spectrum you are today and how to best manage the GD. Being trans isn't an all or nothing game. It's a spectrum and a universe of ways to manage the GD of the day

[Amanda_Combs]

I was just thinking today and felt like I realized that I'm not trans.  However, this was in the midst of me looking down at my stupid flat chest, and feeling facial hair while I gag.  The situation was just so absurd to me.  So now I'm thinking, "Who cares?"  Trans or not, I'm going to just do whatever i feel like.  I'm going to be all right with whatever I do and feel whether I can identify it or not.  In my opinion, that's the only right way.

[Reyes]

I was just thinking today and felt like I realized that I'm not trans.  However, this was in the midst of me looking down at my stupid flat chest, and feeling facial hair while I gag.  The situation was just so absurd to me.  So now I'm thinking, "Who cares?"  Trans or not, I'm going to just do whatever i feel like.  I'm going to be all right with whatever I do and feel whether I can identify it or not.  In my opinion, that's the only right way.

Oh my god, this, this, I can literally one million percent relate to you on this.

Recently I made the horrid mistake of shaving, I never bothered before as I didn't like how I looked anyway, so why for myself to do that stuff constantly, but I got so annoyed feeling that whenever I touch my face so I shaved everything off. Within two days I regretted that so much, as now it's growing back and somehow all the pricklyness stabbing into me and all that is just so much worse then the hair that was there before.

And my chest, ugh, I'm not the only one who thinks male nipples are just weird am I? I mean the just, what are they...

Literally the only time I feel any semblance of okay about my body, is while in the shower, I sit down in the shower, so every time I cross my legs, and y'know, tucking first, and while it's not perfect I can imagine just for a moment that it really isn't there and I love how it feels to see myself like that, even if it isn't perfect.

Oh, and these weird areas on the front of my legs, all the way down right above my feet, the areas always covered by my socks, and the skin in that area on both legs is what I can only describe as baby smooth. Not a single hair, it just feels so nice.

[David_Bovo]

We get so used to suppressing our real selves that it becomes a habit.  Even when we are on the right track, the suppressing part chimes in and say, "Hey, shouldn't I be suppressing this?"

I'm betting that the dysphoria didn't just show up when you realized you were probably trans.  Something made you investigate transgender issues.  That something was already there, and its name is dysphoria.  We become aware of it when we come out to ourselves, but it was always there.

I no longer have any doubt that I am trans.  But I do have moments when I wonder if it would be simpler just to sweep it all back under the rug and go back to my pretend existence.  But no, the regret if I did that would be intolerable.  I have figured this stuff out late in life, but still in time to have maybe 20 or 30 good years as my real self.  I can't deny myself that opportunity now.

A post on one of these forums recently said this: It is hard to be trans, but not nearly as hard as pretending not to be.

TRUE TEA



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