Do you live in two worlds?(male and female gendered), and how do you handle it?

[JenniferLopezgomez]

I'm out half and half, and have been living partially male and partially female for 5 years. I'll just say now, it's pure hell.

Because I'm not fully out, I don't earn the respect of using the right pronouns. Nobody has asked my preferred name. It's become a taboo, and rumours have started everywhere about me. People come up to me and ask things. It just sucks. If you're gonna come out, do it all at once, or in a short time period. I'm sick of my situation, and wish I did.

I agree with you that this works well for many people. I went full-time by changing countries and developing mostly new friends who have known me only as female. So when I went full-time 24 / 7 it was a bit easier me. Although, some of my trans friends just dressed out female walking out the front door one day and have never dressed male since.  Indeed there is a lot to be said for this approach. xx

[Allykitty82]

I'm something of a 70/30 out, with only a few trusted people at work knowing. My job has a pretty good non-discrimination policy and support structure but I get a vibe from my boss that it isn't completely safe. If I haven't become a self-sufficient author when my HRT isn't easy to disguise anymore I'll have to take the chance.

I get to spend my days off and evenings as Ally even though I spend about thirty hours a week as <deadname>

[ToniB]

Hi Guys and Girls
Now I am full time living as a Woman I had a discussion with the Wife where she stated that she missed her Husband and We agreed to try having a few Date nights where I would tone down the Girly and TRY to look like a male for her ."what a disaster " I felt so dysphoric and uncomfortable all evening so much so that she noticed and asked "what's wrong " and did not like the answer . We gave up on that idea quite quickly because even though I was willing to try for her sake I really did not feel at all comfortable in even slightly male clothing and she could see that . That was when all My Male clothing went in the dustbin never to be seen again . I am sorry for My Wife that I could not do it for Her But The deep and profound feeling of rightness I feel when dressed as a female after 60 Years of feeling wrong means that I can never ever go Back to being HIM

[graspthesanity]

Due to not having my name changed yet, many people such as clients or landlords see my birth name and unless I want to risk having the "hey I'm trans" conversation" I am left to present or let people assume that I'm female. Also I am not out to most of my family, because after the fiasco my mother did, I just want to recover from it properly and bide some time until I am ready for even worse reactions.

I just try to get it over with as soon as I can and then talk to my partner who is very very accepting and will point out what a lovely man I am. It's important to surround yourself with people who accept you. If not, there is always your best friend - you! Walk up to a mirror and tell yourself that you see a lovely person and state your gender in front to make sure it's banged into your head.

[Kylo]

I never did have a girl mode or a boy mode... there was just me mode and that was difficult because obviously there have always been people who thought that was non conformity, that I was "quirky", "weird", "strange" etc. I've been hearing that since I was a small child and don't care about it, so hopefully that's my dues paid and I can continue to be "weird" in relative peace.

[judithlynn]

An interesting thread that I must have missed when I was away travelling internationally.  From a review of my posts you will see that I have transitioned once before, some 30 years ago and lived full time as a woman in the United Kingdom in the mid 1980's. I was only forced to de-transition through social stigma and the fact that I lost my job and lost my support network. Then the UK was not such as  TG friendly country as it is today. Then out of the blue my former male self got head hunted to a top job in Australia. So I moved to Oz!.  Over the years I have had a lot of HRT and I was a DES child as well, so I have always had very low T and female features. These days (I have been back on HRT for nearly 3 years), I am sort of a bit in limbo land.  Basically I probably spend 85% -90% of my time as Judith only reverting to my male self (or more probably best described as androgynous self) about 10% of the time mostly through work. But it is emotionally draining. Luckily these days I sort of travel  between Australia and the United Kingdom , as I have  a property in both locations and when in the UK, I am 100% living as Judith. Funnily enough though after being on HRT for nearly 3.5 years this time, because of the dysphoria breakouts as the effects of the low dosage wears off thus my increased dosage has pushed me over into the full transition mode - such that my feminine body shape curves are very much more evident and (when dressed properly as many women tell me) I blend in very well. But  the HRT has also quelled the Dysphoria and my male libido that in fact  unless I am going out socially  as Judith, I really have no urgency or need to  dress other than as very androgynously.  So yes switching is a strain, but these days if I  need to go out to the Supermarket, I feel naked unless wearing lipstick and mascara. I wouldn't be venturing outside in my male garb unless I absolutely had to for work reasons. Mind you even that is getting difficult for me as what few male clothes that I still own are becomingly increasingly difficult to fit me whereas Skirts, dresses and blouses just fit perfectly.
Judith

[MisterQueer]

I'm male online and female in the real world. I deal with it by keeping those two lives very separate. Sometimes I feel like Hannah Montana. 

Anyways, Being male online has helped me a lot. I figure being seen as male half of the time is better than being seen as female all of the time.

[arice]

I never did have a girl mode or a boy mode... there was just me mode and that was difficult because obviously there have always been people who thought that was non conformity, that I was "quirky", "weird", "strange" etc. I've been hearing that since I was a small child and don't care about it, so hopefully that's my dues paid and I can continue to be "weird" in relative peace.

I would say that I also tend to fall into this category though most people have seen me as an odd female while I would prefer to be seen as an odd man. (large breasts tend to make people see a woman even if everything else says the opposite).

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

[Michelle_P]

Yes, I definitely live in two worlds.  The split is really odd, though.

I head off to therapy, medical appointments, and electrolysis presenting as myself, with a bit of padding where HRT hasn't had a chance to work yet, and a wig matching my natural hair color to cover the severe pattern baldness.  While I'm out, I'll do grocery shopping, get gas for the car, maybe grab breakfast or lunch, occasionally do other shopping, just routine 'getting on with life' stuff.  I don't recall being misgendered, and only rarely have I gotten those 'funny looks', as this region is relatively accepting and safe compared to much of 'Western Civilization.'

At home, in private, I have to cross-dress, presenting as male, definitely against my gender identity (and neurology!  I've seen the high-res MRI of my brain. It's a girl.  ), but in alignment with the bits between my legs  .  When I arrive home, I have to check for strange vehicles in our driveway and drive past if someone is there (one of my wife's friends, say).  If I can pull into the garage safely, I am to close the garage door before I get out of my little car, then text the wife that I am in the garage.  Once she has sequestered herself safely away from the scary transmonster, I get a text that I can enter. I go directly to the master bathroom, and text her when I am in there with the door closed.  I have to change at once, scrubbing off all traces of makeup, putting the wig back on it's stand and locking that away in my wig case.  Off with my jewelry and pretty things, and back in jeans and polo shirt.  I can wear my briefs and tank top under the jeans and shirt, as long as the collar is buttoned so nothing shows.  I've gotten away with my Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and occasionally my little black low-top sneakers, but that's about the limit.

How do I handle it?  Poorly.

I'm supposed to be happy that I've gotten to spend a couple hours as myself, and should be happy and willing to step back into my cell and pull the barred door shut.  I'm selfish for wanting to be myself for a few hours.  I resent being the one who has to do all the cooking, cleaning, maintenance, repairs, handle finances, and provide concierge services, all while cross-dressed as male. 

I hate saying "I love you" and never hearing anything in return.  I hate the look of loathing or contempt I get when I inform my wife of an upcoming appointment.  I hate being told I should be grateful for what I have.  I hate being told that I look handsome, or am doing well 'for a man my age'.

She's only known about this side of me for four months, but there's been no effort to understand or communicate with me about what I'm going through.  She refuses to even look at the little APA brochure on transgender persons.  I'm out to her and my daughter who lives with us, but she doesn't want me to come out to my other adult children.  She says she is worried that they won't be as accepting as she is.   

My therapist can't figure out why the heck I'm still married.  Neither can I.  It's like an old habit I'm stuck in.

I'm afraid I'm likely to do something really selfish in the near future, like want to have a life.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I hate saying "I love you" and never hearing anything in return.  I hate the look of loathing or contempt I get when I inform my wife of an upcoming appointment.  I hate being told I should be grateful for what I have.  I hate being told that I look handsome, or am doing well 'for a man my age'.

That sounds like living in Hell.

[Deborah]

I used to have a seriously swaggering and foul mouthed male mode.  That was largely overcompensation and part of playing a role in the Army that I let last way too long.  Now I simply try to feel unstressed and comfortable that is one world in between two others.  I'm sure that people think I am weird but I don't care.  Anyway, people are all friendly and I get along great with everyone at work.

[cheryl reeves]

I've lived in two worlds my whole life,took me yrs to develop a male persona,to most of the world I'm male,but in private I balance both sides so not to overwhelm my wife. I've gotten used to it.

[Asche]

I'm in this situation.  At work, I go by my male name and I dress masculine on the days I work from the office instead of home.  The rest of the time, I dress normally (femme) and and everyone knows me by my femme name.  The result is that I still have trouble remembering or answering to my femme name or using the right pronouns.  And I have a hard time feeling real anywhere.  I still have a few months before I plan to go full-time; I'm hoping it will get easier when I do.

[chris.deee]

Great topic - I definitely live in both worlds and it took me decades to figure out how to mostly thrive.

First, I get a lot of pleasure out of both parts of my life.

I've tuned my male life to be pretty accepting of my androgyny.

I've had an androgynous hair cut for 4+ years, dress pretty androgynously at home and work. Have my body and facial hair increasingly under control thanks to wax, laser, and electro (depending on the area :-)).

I don't try to "butch it up" nor do I think about suppressing any feminine expression. I just live in the moment and it's worked out ok both at work and at home. 

My female life is different, but I love that too. I get to be Christine one or two days/evenings a month, which is less than I'd like but not horribly so. If I weren't working AND I weren't married, the Christine time would go up a lot - not sure if it would be 100%.  I work at a very accepting company - I just can't fathom doing my job as Christine. My wife is moderately accepting, but unless it was killing me otherwise, I'm fine giving her a male spouse.

As Christine, I need to more consciously suppress any maleness in my walk, mannerisms, or overall expression. I also am pretty isolated as Christine - I only go out in public, but I don't have any social life, friends, or intimacy. I haven't really gotten close to anyone yet.