Thanks the the toxic news stories seeping in through my social media accounts and T.V, I have been suffering from very disturbing, upsetting, and terrifying thoughts of things that will most likely never happen to me. I can't escape those thoughts either. I try to distract myself with online games, artwork, listening to music, even socializing in public with friends, and all have failed to make the thoughts let up. It's awful. And I think they're getting progressively worse. Thanks to racial tension and trigger happy police you see on the news, and the stories you hear of innocent people being jailed or mistakenly executed on death row, these thoughts are mainly ones of being arrested for something I didn't do. Being detained for hours against my will, fighting for my rights in court, it's all very unlikely. I know this. It's quite obvious it won't happen. I had thoughts like these before but nowadays, they have been utterly relentless. Now, every time I see a cop car on the street, or hear a police siren I seize in place, and almost cry...
You can argue that "a few bad apples" are the ones getting all the media attention, and that police fear for their lives as well, and you would be correct. Like I said, I'm sure that a cop coming to arrest me or harm me for no reason is a 1 in 100 chance or less. But remember, this is irrational anxiety and OCD that I'm dealing with. It doesn't give a damn about counter arguments, let alone of my wishes to make my brain stop throwing terrifying scenario after terrifying scenario at me almost 24/7.
There isn't an hour that goes by when I don't think about what I'm going to do if I get arrested. I can't shut my brain off. My head feels like it's full of sludge with all the terror it has created and left to rot. I can take my Ativan, but that just leaves me so apathetic and tired. I can quit facebook since I have family and friends I talk to and I'm an admin to a group.
I just really want my brain to stop.
