help, I'm reeling

[mikeffd]

I'm in a state of crisis. I can't think of anything besides gender right now. It's so damn depressing and scary.

It started a few days ago. I was having increasing anxiety and depression as I'm in a heterosexual relationship, and feeling increasingly guilty because I like men more than women. I started to crumble, and saw a therapist. I explained my story - found out I was attracted to men at age 15, never acted on it. I tried to be a heterosexual, although I was a half hearted one. He found it very puzzling that I had never fantasized or had any urges to be with a man. That conversation illuminated a previous struggle, secondary to my sexuality - gender.

Very shortly after I found out I was into men, I experienced some gender play interested or was exciting to me (a few crossdressing attempts, speaking with men online while pretending to be female). I never got into gay sex at all.

I don't understand how it could happen to me. I used to love my body. I had no dysphoria. I never felt jealous or women or felt that I belonged with them.

I don't know what I'm looking for now. There isn't an intense desire to become physically female. I just want to reconnect with my body and diminish the extreme anxiety and stress i'm dealing with.

The prospect of being diagnosed with GID is so petrifying, not the least of which is due to the fact i'm huge and manly looking (which never bothered me in the least!).

I don't want to kill myself, but I'm wondering what other options are really available to me.

[Heita]

Every single other option in the World is available to you, there is really no need to kill yourself.

You did very well in contacting a therapist, and it allowed your gender issues to surface. You are at the beginning of a journey of self discovery, it can definitely be scary as hell but it is also so much rewarding. Maybe you don't believe me on that point now but I used to feel the emerging of hidden elements in me very disheartening and now I feel it's the best thing that could ever happen. So stick around with life a little bit, and you will get there.

As far as your gender presentation goes, there are a lot of girls here who rock their femininity with a body frame similar to yours, so you will surely hear from them.

My advice is not to bother too much in comparing how you used to feel to what you feel now, live in the moment, take a big breath and take one thing at the time. It will get better.

[Ciara]

It will get better as you come to terms with how you are now feeling. Transgender feelings are a lot to take on especially when they hit you suddenly. Talk to your therapist. There are lots of options available to you. There is no need to panic.....you will work it out.

Ciara.

[Jaselle]

The first step is educating yourself about being transgender. Read the stories of others and see how you relate to them. Getting beyond the denial was the most difficult thing for me and I still have days where I try to find another reason for the way I feel. Seeing a gender therapist also has helped tremendously. I still have a lot of progress but the journey is becoming easier the more I organize my thoughts and define my feelings. Im still scared but its difficult to accept something you dont undetstand. The more I learned about being trans, the more I learned about myself.

[mikeffd]

Did you always want to be female?

[Jaselle]

Did you always want to be female?

Not sure if that question was directed at me, but if so,  you could say so, yes. Its something your intuition tells you all your life but it takes everyone varying timeframes to finally listen to that voice. I knew something was off my entire life and it took a long time to listen to myself. Gender expectations and society probably caused me to repress it since its a scary thing to accept. Id write it off as being kinky, depressed, gay, just curious, etc. None of those held true until I discovered what being trans meant. The light came on in my head when I related to all the stories people have shared out there. When I felt like I wrote what others have confessed about their gender, I knew I was on the right path.

Still, I face some denial at times but thats because my environment; meaning I live with all guys. Theres the question you can ask yourself that therapists use which is, "If you could go back and be born cis female, would you do it?". Im not fond of that question, however, I ask myself, "If trans people were accepted by society and it were cool to transition and a social norm, would you hesitate being female?". I hope that helps you a bit.

[Richenda]

Hi Mike,

Well done for coming on here. That's the first thing. Stick around. Try not to get told off by the mods and if you do, try not to let it upset you (been there, done that ). There are lots and lots of great people on this forum, many of whom also run the place. So it's fab.

You're right, I think, to distinguish sexuality from gender. That's the second thing. Although they can relate, they don't necessarily. Lots of transitioned MtF's still love women for instance.

I don't know, third, if this will help but it did for me. I have sometimes worked on the basis not so much on what I want to be, but on what I cannot face remaining as. When it came to a crunch decision time I just 'knew' there was no way I could stand life any more living in male role. In fact, that's when I did tell someone I'd rather kill myself than stay a man.  That pushed me to the next step because, as Heita so rightly rightly points out, there's every other option in the world available to you. Whether that means you just take some tentative tiptoes, for instance female role play, or a few more bold steps such as HRT, the main thing is that you will be starting to feed what you now recognise to be an important, and I'd say perhaps vital, part of you.

And, finally, please don't worry about your manly frame. I sat last week with someone who was an Ironman testosterone fuelled macho alpha male. She's now one of the most beautiful 60-something ladies I've ever seen. Everything is possible nowadays. Live your dream, feed your true self and remember we're always here to help. Much love and best wishes, Chen xx

[Devlyn]

Hi Mike,

Well done for coming on here. That's the first thing. Stick around. Try not to get told off by the mods and if you do, try not to let it upset you (been there, done that ). There are lots and lots of great people on this forum, many of whom also run the place. So it's fab.

You're right, I think, to distinguish sexuality from gender. That's the second thing. Although they can relate, they don't necessarily. Lots of transitioned MtF's still love women for instance.

I don't know, third, if this will help but it did for me. I have sometimes worked on the basis not so much on what I want to be, but on what I cannot face remaining as. When it came to a crunch decision time I just 'knew' there was no way I could stand life any more living in male role. In fact, that's when I did tell someone I'd rather kill myself than stay a man.  That pushed me to the next step because, as Heita so rightly rightly points out, there's every other option in the world available to you. Whether that means you just take some tentative tiptoes, for instance female role play, or a few more bold steps such as HRT, the main thing is that you will be starting to feed what you now recognise to be an important, and I'd say perhaps vital, part of you.

And, finally, please don't worry about your manly frame. I sat last week with someone who was an Ironman testosterone fuelled macho alpha male. She's now one of the most beautiful 60-something ladies I've ever seen. Everything is possible nowadays. Live your dream, feed your true self and remember we're always here to help. Much love and best wishes, Chen xx

Sound advice! 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Rachel]

Hi Mikeffd,

I was diagnosed with GID (old term now) and I was diagnosed with GD by two other gender therapists. Gender identity disorder or Gender dysphoria are different terms for the same condition. Gender dysphoria means an unwell feeling about your gender. It manifests in many ways and can be life threatening depending on severity.

I have been attracted to guys all my life and yet tried to conform and married a female. We are in the process of divorce.

I had a boyfriend in high school but I am not gay.

I am now 54 years old and 6'2" ( I was 6'3" when younger but have shrunk and inch, due to age I guess). When I was younger I could bench 300 pounds on my 5th set of a reverse pyramid. I had a lot of muscle then. I like working out and being active. The endorphin high is an awesome feeling.

The most awesome feeling is being myself. I was terrified of transition but each step I took felt right (after I adjusted to the new normal).

Everyone is different and all transition journeys are different but one thing is the same. Your journey is what you make of it and no one else can know what you need. Only you can decide what you need to do.

When I stopped fighting who I am and started accepting myself and becoming myself my dysphoria started to ease. But that is me not you.

[Sno]

Hi Mikeffd,

Firstly [hugs] - you need them.

I know exactly what you mean by reeling with every thought being about gender - I've spent weeks on the web, reading/watching everything I could, once I'd made the trans connection. I spent even more time thinking. It's all very disorienting at first, but you do start to pick things up, and a little clarity does creep in too.

Your therapist would be good to talk to, sooner than your next planned appointment, just to talk through some of the anxiety.

I freely admit to being petrified on a regular basis in those first few weeks - I think many of us later bloomers have had those complete "oh heck"! moments.

Here you'll find plenty of support, that is thanks to the lovely people who allow you the space to be.

Take your time, there are lots of options and it all doesn't need to be decided now

Sno

[Maria77]

Hi Mike,

Everyone has been providing good support.  The one thing i would add is that humans are very complex beings.  Society likes to see us in clear categories, but so many people don't fit into the boxes.   It's not even just lgbt determinism-it's also there in racial categories, relgions, politics, etc.  i'm also glad that you are working with a therapist to examine some of your complexity.  I found that process helpful years ago and am pretty much at peace these days.  You will find your calm and regain your equilibrium.   Hugs.