"Male" Love???

[Amanda_Combs]

Is there even such a thing as Male love?  When I came out to my wife, She was accepting, she didn't think there's anything wrong with me, she even said that she would never leave me.  But...then she started crying and said that no man will ever love her.  since then I've been very confused.  I almost feel like me being female would make my love invalid.  I will always love her exactly the same way, but have I been deceitful?  What do you think?  Is there a substantial difference between male and female love?  I fear this issue may keep me from transitioning.

[Ms Grace]

There is a very specific type of love that heterosexual people are looking for in their partner. Being in relationship with someone of the opposite sex/gender completes them in a way that even the closest same sex friendship cannot. That doesn't make your love for her any less valid, but keep in mind the vast majority of hetero women do not sleep with their female/girl friends no matter how much they love them. To me this highlights where the key differentiation lies.

[JoanneB]

I'm not quite sure what you are really asking. "No Man Will Ever Love Me.." This plays out 2 ways, 1) She see's herself staying with you. You are not a man, Ergo, "No Man" is loving her in this future. or 2) She can never get another man because of you?

As for your question... I am dealing with a wife a wife who always knew I had "Gender" issues for nearly 40 years. Some 7 years ago dropping the T-Bomb did not go well. We still love eachother very much. Yet, can I expect a self described "Sexist" to continue to see or think of me as a male? To forsake her feelings about hairy chests, and my not so ripped bod? To accept a lover into her bed with breasts fuller then her own?

Seven years in and we are still feeling our way through the darkness. One day at a time

[Amanda_Combs]

I'm not quite sure what you are really asking. "No Man Will Ever Love Me.." This plays out 2 ways, 1) She see's herself staying with you. You are not a man, Ergo, "No Man" is loving her in this future. or 2) She can never get another man because of you?

As for your question... I am dealing with a wife a wife who always knew I had "Gender" issues for nearly 40 years. Some 7 years ago dropping the T-Bomb did not go well. We still love eachother very much. Yet, can I expect a self described "Sexist" to continue to see or think of me as a male? To forsake her feelings about hairy chests, and my not so ripped bod? To accept a lover into her bed with breasts fuller then her own?

Seven years in and we are still feeling our way through the darkness. One day at a time

Well, it just got to me that she would be hurt by me not being a man.  But...yeah, I'm not real clear on what I'm trying to say.  I just feel like such a mess right now.  The thought of having to deal with such an uncertain situation from now on is pretty overwhelming.  All of you leaving comments that are so kind... I really appreciate all of them.

[HappyMoni]

Amanda,
   It strikes me that what she is saying has to do with her self esteem. Perhaps even before she met you she worried about being truly loved. When you two got together, she may have thought that that was put to rest in a way she had always pictured. Now, things are upsetting that equilibrium for her. I would say, don't panic. Be understanding and give her time to adjust. I have stayed with my wife. She had a process of adjustment. Now she wouldn't want my previous incarnation back for any amount of money. If she can be flexible with the new situation, given time, she will probably love the changes she sees. You will be happier with yourself, probably more understanding, more loving and be a better partner than she knew was possible. Don't give in to being negative.
Moni

[JoanneB]

Well, it just got to me that she would be hurt by me not being a man.  But...yeah, I'm not real clear on what I'm trying to say.

This TMI moment is brought to you by my wife....
Seven years in she still says "I did not marry a woman. I like what men have. I like how they make me feel. Rubber just isn't the same. And..... I just cannot imagine you with a strap-on."

And, she is right. It hurt a short while back when she said I cannot think of you as "My 'Husband' anymore. Not with boobs bigger then mine". I know what "Floating on cloud 9" must be like after she said "Yesterday morning you looked beautiful..."

Welcome to the Trans-Rollercoaster. It beats anything 7-Flags can build

[deanna7506]

Ever since I came out to my wife, she no longer views me as a man. Like the comments above, she wanted and thought she was marrying a man. She still hurts that I didn't tell her before we were married. For the most part she sleeps in another bed. So she too no longer views me as a man loving her.  Once the genie is out of the bottle, it's not going back in. My wife has learned that this isn't going away She has hated my purging because I would re buy clothes later and we were wasting money. You are very lucky she is staying. It's one day at a time with open and honest communication.  I wish you two the best.

Deanna

[Dee Marshall]

All of this is incredibly familiar, all the spouse's statements. Perhaps I haven't been living with this long enough to have the perspective of most of the posters. I only came out to Randi about two years ago. I've been sleeping in what was the guest room since last winter. I love her dearly and never want to go. She's asked for a divorce but made it very clear that she wants nothing else to change. I'm to stay and we'll live like sisters I suppose.

This weekend our son and his girlfriend are coming to stay the weekend. They, of course, get the guest room. I had been planning to sleep in the living room but Randi says my sleeping habits will make that difficult on everyone else and invited me back into her room for the stay. I was horrified at the idea and she couldn't understand. There is NO physical affection between us and not at my choice. Her friends get more than me. I've had two hugs from her in two years and I initiated both of those against her stiff body. How can I sleep so close to her and not touch her? I'm only surviving this by keeping a distance. I'll be crying myself to sleep every night I'm back in that bed.

I'm crying while typing this just contemplating it.

Gods let this get better, I'm not sure I can survive it!



Let me make it clear, I'm not trying to make this thread about my problems. I just wanted it to be clear to you that the rosey picture others are painting comes after long, painful struggle, if it comes at all.

[deanna7506]

Dee,

I wish you the best and the wisdom to say and do the right things during this time.  One day at a time.

deanna

[Maria77]

There is a very specific type of love that heterosexual people are looking for in their partner. Being in relationship with someone of the opposite sex/gender completes them in a way that even the closest same sex friendship cannot. That doesn't make your love for her any less valid, but keep in mind the vast majority of hetero women do not sleep with their female/girl friends no matter how much they love them. To me this highlights where the key differentiation lies.

Wonderful analysis Grace!   I think there's also an element of protection/safety implied in m/f relationships.  That's another thing the cis female loses when her spouse transitions.   For us it is a great time of revelation and exerimentation.  For cis female spouses it is loss, embarrrassment, feelings of self-doubt, etc. 

[LizK]

All of this is incredibly familiar, all the spouse's statements. Perhaps I haven't been living with this long enough to have the perspective of most of the posters. I only came out to Randi about two years ago. I've been sleeping in what was the guest room since last winter. I love her dearly and never want to go. She's asked for a divorce but made it very clear that she wants nothing else to change. I'm to stay and we'll live like sisters I suppose.

This weekend our son and his girlfriend are coming to stay the weekend. They, of course, get the guest room. I had been planning to sleep in the living room but Randi says my sleeping habits will make that difficult on everyone else and invited me back into her room for the stay. I was horrified at the idea and she couldn't understand. There is NO physical affection between us and not at my choice. Her friends get more than me. I've had two hugs from her in two years and I initiated both of those against her stiff body. How can I sleep so close to her and not touch her? I'm only surviving this by keeping a distance. I'll be crying myself to sleep every night I'm back in that bed.

I'm crying while typing this just contemplating it.

Gods let this get better, I'm not sure I can survive it!



Let me make it clear, I'm not trying to make this thread about my problems. I just wanted it to be clear to you that the rosey picture others are painting comes after long, painful struggle, if it comes at all.

Big Hug your way Dee, I hope things are not as bad as you think they will be

Liz

[stephaniec]

this is just my opinion from someone who has never been married.  Her thoughts on how she needs to live are just as valid as yours.