My parents suspect Im trans, Ive denied it several times and been dodgy with questions by uttering half truths. Had they never found anything out I would have been content leading a peaceful double life, letting my parents see me as they want to and living my life as my own and those around me knowing it.
since they know though, it isnt easy. my mom sent me my birth certificate in the mail along with all manners of other passive aggressive things including a Gender Identity Disorder pamphlet from "Parents of Gays and Ex Gays" and women's deoderant. ive been too scared to read the notes sent with them.
...Ive said before, but Im starting to think Ive messed up too much to live the peaceful double life intended, I may have to officially come out...Im just...not ready though. I want to wait at least until the family vacation is over to avoid awkwardness and after my legal name has officially been changed.
hopefully it wont be long. maybe instead of having them tell me things like "you have a choice" "can a dog become a cat" "you are beautiful" "you need better self esteem" "satan has taken ahold of your life" etc. ilI can finally tell them everything I have suppressed for so long, pour everything out there, and admit everything, set the truth free, so to speak. if being the way I am is wrong, I cant possibly be right.
Regarding the family reunion, best case scenario is we all avoid that part of my life and have a good time, worst case is they stage some sort of intervention in front of my extended relatives and I get put on the spot. i simply dont know what to expect, but Im going to stick to my extended family more since they know the least about this and itll be less weird.
these past few days Ive felt awful for calling myself a guy or trans, falling back into feeling Im nothing but a dyke, that Im not a real man. The evidence is all there.
the last thing I ended with to ease the pain was, in the end, Im myself. im not going back to being forced to present as everything I dislike. Having the expectations I was born to have based on certain traits. im doing this for me. im wearing clothes I feel good in, putting chemicals in my body to alter my appearance slightly and have a nice, deep voice and not a annoying whiny one, Im getting a name befitting of me, and Im cutting my hair. all of these qualities, despite lacking the genital and chromosomal traits, are me. To the world this is a man. To me these make me a man. im a man by those definitions. My mother told me "if you are unhappy, you change what you can, and accept what you can not" and that is absolutely, 100% what I am doing
sorry to rant, Im just having a bad time...and scared.
