Every couple years, I really want to be a woman

[MissAmandaJones]

Hello. My name is Maggie. I just registered! I guess I'll just introduce myself to the board with this thread.

So, here is my story. Every couple years, I have this overwhelming desire to transition. I usually become very fixated on the idea for several months, and then somehow I end up going into denial, not doing anything, and eventually "forgetting" about it. I  actually originally came out to my family when I was 16, and I'm 24 now. This pattern has been going on for some time.

I do have quite a bit of gender dysphoria. I don't feel comfortable wearing suits or getting hair cuts. I don't want to exercise because I don't like the idea of having a very masculine physique.

So I was wondering if I am trans or whether I should transition. I don't want to keep avoiding it forever if I am. I also don't want to transition and then end up regretting it.

I feel a bit stuck and need some help. Thank you!

[Cindy]

Hi and welcome to Susan's!

Well I have to say that you are not alone in your feelings and as many people will also say - time to see a therapist if you can.

Gender dysphoria doesn't go away and no one really understands it but it never leaves you alone.

You are 24! A young person who has her life in front of her.

I think it is time to explore it?

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[Ms Grace]

Welcome to Susan's! The back-and-forth you mention is not uncommon, in fact it is more the norm than you realise. And that's understandable, there are lots of social and medical structures in place to make transitioning seem very difficult and, in fact, often does do just that. Only you can tell if you are really trans and a discussion with a therapist will help in that regard. The thing is, if you are transgender the biggest hurdle can be accepting yourself and deciding what you are going to do about it. That "something" need not be transition, or maybe it does... again, that is up to you.

[Mariah]

Hi Maggie, welcome to Susan's. Only you can determine if you are trans are not, but more likely than not you are. I used to hate wearing suits and getting hair cuts too so I remember how that feels. Sorry that you feel a bit stuck. I would try a few different things from dressing to seeing a gender therapist. Not only will doing these things help you figure things out but more likely than not help you feel more comfortable with who you are and the path your possibly going to take to deal with your gender dysphoria. One common thing for many of us is that come and go, but often when it comes back is worse often happens for many. I know it did for me. Also by working with a therapist and especially moving at your own speed it will allow you to control things and if you ever get to a point where you are not comfortable or don't like things you can always stop and change what your doing. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[stephaniec]

I went back and forth for 60 years, it's not fun

[Daisy Jane]

I absolutely went back and forth a lot once I recognized how I felt. Denial is a powerful thing. I would like to echo the sentiments of the others and suggest that you see a therapist that specializes in gender identity. They can do a great deal to help you explore your feelings.

[Harley Quinn]

As others have said... you're the only one that can say what's right for you and to what degree of transition you're looking for, if any... contrary to popular belief, there is no cut and dry you're Trans, or Anything in between... it's all personal and therapists are just there to help coax the issue into the open so that you can see it for what it is... but they don't know what you feel, think, or other...

[JoanneB]

My basic rule is If you think you're trans, you are. The real trick now is sorting out where on the spectrum you reside which is often a moving target.

For many many many many, OK a lot of years I relied on what I call the 3D's; Diversions, Distractions, and Denial; to work through the dysphoria. I always wanted to be a girl since forever. At 6ft tall and balding since 16 it wasn't going to happen. Yet I tried transitioning twice in my early twenties. Both times utter fails. A lot can be attributed to my "Internalized Transphobia".

Thoughts of, or the "Dream", of transitioning someday was about the only dream that remained as I slowly turned into a lifeless, soulless thing over the years of doing what was expected. The decades of trying to suppress the dysphoria rather then addressing it

I had a lifetime of Shame and Guilt fed by the times I lived in. And TBH - No one wants to be trans. I hated my body, living in my body, hated just being different, being me. Seven years ago I needed to take the Trans-Beast on for real. I knew I needed to figure out how to get the female side to live in peace with the male side and not be beaten down.

With the help of a fantastic TG Support group, a couple of angels there especially when I needed them the most, some therapy, and plenty of reading and learning I began the healing process. At that time any sort of transitioning was not on the radar. No way, no how, been there tried it twice. I had well entrenched male existence that I needed to preserve. My sense of gender ID was just one aspect of the totality of me.

Today I pretty much figured out how to live in peace with myself. I have been able to balance all these conflicting needs and wants of my duality. I still haven't figured out where I am on the spectrum. I am thankfull most days I do not feel that I need to transition fully, only would like to. Most days living and presenting primarily as male works. Then there are the days that..... Still the risk of going full time can cost me more then I am willing to spend.

Only you can decide what sort of "Transition" you need to do. I transitioned, I changed a lot about myself starting from the inside, loosing a lot of the emotional baggage, the shame and guilt about being trans. Changed how I responded to conflicts. Doing "What was expected" changed to doing according to my needs and wants and those expected by others. In essence, I began to learn what it is like to Be Me.

[V M]

Hi Maggie 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

When I was a small child I actually thought I was a girl, but then came the day my mom and sisters pointed out that I was different and made fun of me

I then wrestled with my desire to be female all my life, dressing in secret, driving down the freeway dressed and made up - Other than a few wolf whistles and other reactions from horny guys no-one seemed all too fazed

I thought for sure I'd pick up some flack when I stopped to get gas and treats but again, other than a few guys hitting on me there wasn't really the reactions I had worried over

Then much like you I would go into denial for awhile only to return again to dressing and such

This went on for years and then sometime in my early mid forties I just decided to take the plunge and haven't looked back since

You're at a great age for it right now, but the decision is yours to make when you feel ready

Hugs

V M

[carolinejeo]

Hi

You are young and have a great advantage.

You need to find out if you can cope with being a woman. if it is possible, take time out and live in role full time for a couple of months.

Do you have any support? If not, you need to do what I did and go live somewhere else for a while where you can be yourself.

Caroline

[MissAmandaJones]

Thanks for the advice ladies. I probably shouldn't overthink it

So, yes I am trans. I guess I was looking for some validation. I kind of feel alone. Over the years I've told my friends that I was thinking about doing it, but it never materialized so I assume they think I want to be a man, which isn't true.

My situation is pretty convenient to doing it, because I live in LA, far from my family who definitely would disapprove (not that they really will bring me down). That said, I don't have much money because I am kind of between jobs. I am looking to go back to school in massage therapy in a couple months. I also sort of live in a communal house in a pretty rough neighborhood. I sleep in the men's room, so I'm not really sure if I should really start here or not. I may move out early as the next couple weeks, though. I'm pretty excited about that.

Well, thanks again ladies. Will definitely stay on the board and let you know how things are coming!

[Androol]

Been going back and forth for 45 years now. Still very tough.

[spx_1112]

Good luck girls.  It's hard coming to grips with all this.  Hormones are no joke and they change us!  Hugs Shannon

[Lady Sarah]

The only time I "backed out" was when I moved to SanFrancisco to transition, but kept getting turned away from apartments to rent, because I looked like I was 15. I was 25. That gave me the opportunity to join the Guardian Angels for a few months. At least they gave me a place to stay.

After I got some street cred with apartment managers, I was back on my feet, and able to transition. It ain't a path I would recommend, but it worked for me.