Hi everyone and thank you for this amazing community!
I've been lurking here for a long time and especially during the last couple of days, so I encouraged myself to post finally. I'll give you a bit of a background of my situation. This is going to be a long one, I appreciate everyone who reads this. I have never told these things to anyone, barely admitting them to myself. I am not a native english speaker, so forgive me for any faults.
I am currently nearly 26 year-old male with somewhat masculine characteristics and lifestyle. During the last 4 years I have suffered from a severe depression, sometimes it has been harder and sometimes easier. I have talked to four different psychologists and one psychiatrist, none of them really have gotten a clue what's bothering me. Mainly because of me holding things in, unable to express how I really feel.
I got my first depression diagnosis when I talked to a psychiatrist after a girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. This breakup totally shattered me, I had built up all of my future plans depending on the fact that we would be always together. During a few sessions with the psychiatrist, I realized things weren't moving anywhere and I lied to her saying that I am feeling alright now and I don't need any more sessions. I tried just forgetting every negative thought and it somewhat worked for about a year. I don't remember much from that year, basically only the thing that I felt virtually no joy of anything I did. After that year, I met up with a girl I fell deeply in love with. We were on the crush-stage for too long with both of us not knowing if the other one was interested in the other. My self-esteem was at a all-time low and I couldn't bring myself to tell her how I feel.
After she started dating another guy, I really hit the rock bottom. Roughly 1.5 years ago I tried to take my own life by driving a car into a cliff. To this day I don't know how I survived with just minor bruces. After this I was forced in a psych-ward for a couple of weeks. I talked to numerous psychologists but again lied my way out of there not really feeling any better. I was put on anti-depressants which made me totally numb emotionally. I was no longer unhappy, but I wasn't happy either. Just totally numb.
After about 6 months of anti-depressants, I met my nowadays-girlfriend and gave up on the anti-depressants. I started to have emotions again - but they were varying very much from suicide-mode to the happiest person in the world.
My head has been a total mess for the past 4 years and I think I am sort of getting the grips on what makes it a mess. From the age of 8 or 9, I have been interested in the thought of being a woman. I have never felt quite right being in my body - just like I don't fit the male-mold I should fit in. That there's something more I could be. I remember being about 10 or 11 when I first started dressing up in my mothers clothes when nobody else was home. I remember them making me feel very comfortable and somehow happy - all the same time it made me feel guilt. I did this whenever I got the chance till I was about 15.
From the ages 15 to 20 I dropped all my thoughts of being a woman. I don't remember pushing them aside - they just kind of disappeared. Then one night I found myself in me and my girlfriends apartment, at her wardrobe trying on her clothes and shoes.
This began the stage I currently feel I am in. I still don't fit the mold I should fit in defined by the society. Basically I am feeling okay, but just okay, the kind of okay that keeps me alive. I still have this thought in the back of my head that I could be so much more.
I have been trying to make every single thing to make me fit in, but I am running out of stuff to try. I fix cars in my freetime, go out drinking with my buddies, go fishing, hit the gym and try to be as masculine I possibly can. There's not much more I can do. I could try a couple more things but I already know they are not gonna make me feel any better about myself.
My sexual fantasies (I hope talking about these here is allowed and some moderator isn't just gonna delete this message) have been revolving around me being a woman for the last five or six years. Even the thought of me putting makeup on or doing my hair gets me the kicks. There's times I fantasize about me being just a male and having sex with a girl, but it's like 95-5 ratio.
To this point it must seem all clear to you guys: go see a doctor and go on HRT and start living life as a woman. Oh god how I wish it was that simple. Okay, it basically is that simple but my mind is fighting back hard. The following is the reason I wanted to open myself to you.
I come from a very traditional family. My mother is a deeply believing christian and my dad is in the borderlines of being a christian or an atheist. Me and my dad get along pretty okay nowadays, but it hasn't been easy in the past. He is a very demanding person and not meeting his demands resulted in me getting beat up as a kid. This grew a fear towards him and every time I talk to him, I am just making sure I don't piss him off. We never talk about our feelings, only "guy stuff": cars, computers etc. With my mother it's almost the different way around. She has never been too demanding and she's basically the one who I was raised by, my dad being away from home a lot when I was growing up. But I still find it extremely hard talking to her about any of my feelings regarding anything, maybe it has something to do with her being an way over-protective person and I am trying my best not to freak her out. Over the last couple of years we have been a bit closer with my dad, basically the psych-ward weeks made him realize something. I don't know what he realized but it changed his behaviour a bit towards being more human. My grandparents are basically the copies of the two mentioned above, only being slightly more gentle.
I am working with 6 women and 2 guys so I have became the car-fixing handyman here. Work doesn't provide me any real pleasure, it's just a place which puts money in my bank account every once in a while. I don't feel in any ways affected to my workplace.
As I mentioned above, I have never talked to anyone about these feelings, that I actually want to be a girl. I guess I have tried to see that as a passing phase, not the truth. Over the last week or so I have been overwhelmed with the thoughts of this and maybe starting to see that it's not a phase. If I ever picture myself happy, it's me as a beautiful woman, having a loving husband and a house. Having to do my makeup in the morning, having to fix my hair. Going out on a warm summer day, wearing a beautiful dress and heels. Having the wind blow hair in my face. Having guys check back on me as I pass them by. Going shopping for a cute outfit. Everything that's opposite of what I am doing right now.
So what's keeping me from coming out and starting HRT and onwards?
First thing is that I am pretty certain my parents wouldn't understand any of this. They would try to talk me out of it, they would be ashamed of growing a freak into the world. I am pretty sure that this would shatter their lives.
Same thing goes with my friends, I cannot find a way I could ever tell them this. I'm sure they would just think that I am crazy and try to talk me out of it. I do actually belive that no one would take me seriously.
And the same thing goes for my girlfriend. She actually once said:"If you would ever come out as a transgender, I would laugh my ass of and our relationship would be over in a heartbeat. Luckily you're that kind of guy who would never ever ever be that way." That one sentence destroyed me inside when it was said to my face.
Another thing is that I don't know if I ever would be passable and it's terrifying me. I have a quite masculine face. I have tried and tried picturing me as a girl, but having a huge beard is making it really hard. I have thought of shaving it multiple times, but always come to the solution that somebody would notice that something weird is up if I shaved. I have been browsing for hours and hours of MTF timelines but I am still not convinced.
I really feel like I am torn apart in here. One part of my brain is telling me to try fitting in as a man, the one is telling me to come out and start HRT.
Feel free to comment, I am really lost here. I have even thought about just disappearing without a trail and start a life in a whole other country. Because if I let everybody know I moved, they would still try to make contact and it would eventually be clear that I have transitioned. But just disappearing under the radar couldn't be a very good option if I needed something like medical services (which I would need, of course, for my transition). I have played the situation where I am coming out to my parents over and over again and hadn't still had a good end result, only horrifying images of me being rejected. This is why I am feeling so terrified of all this.
Thanks again if you read this, thank you even more if you'd like to post your own comments on what should I do.
P.S. I chose as my nickname the name I would be called as if I was a woman. That alone ran a warm wave through my body.
