Since Transitioning the Way My Friends Talk To Me Has Changed

[Jenni]

So, I've been out as trans to my friends for 8 years now and for a long time, my friendships with a lot of my old friends have stayed the same. I've been now living full time as a woman for just over three years .  I've been passing a lot lately as a csis female even when I don't put on make up or not bother trying to make myself look particularly feminine. Most of this I think is because my voice sounds more female than it used to, I've been on hrt for close to 4 years and thanks to a year of laser hair removal I don't really have any facial hair when I used to have a very full beard. For the most part, it's been kinda wonderful. I don't get that many stares from people like I used to and I don't feel nervous anymore when I leave the house or use a public bathroom ( I used to be very nervous all the time when I left the house). Pretty much, I'm just treated like any other woman and I love it. It feels right.

But the one thing that feels weird is the way my old male friends treat and talk to me. Since late 2008 most of them have known I'm trans and for the most part, not much changed in our friendship. But Now that I look and sound like most other women, this has changed.  The tone they use when they talk to me has changed. It's hard to explain but it's different. One way that's certainly different is the way I'm talked to. I'm called honey, darling, and one of my friends has started calling me baby doll. Also, a lot of them have stopped swearing around me and when they let a curse word slip out, they apologize. It feels weird because before I started looking and sounding different than the way I used to, they never cared whether or not they cursed around me. Overall, a lot of friendships seem to have changed and we're not as close as we used to be.  The topics they used to talk about with me have changed and a few of them have started to compliment the way I look. They never commented on the way I looked before and to be honest, I've never have asked them how I look.  Pretty much, there's a ton of other smaller things that have changed that's hard to explain. I know that no one is trying to offend me or hurt my feelings. I knew that things would change in areas of life that I wouldn't expect to change but none the less, I feel a little sad. Most of these relationships have lasted for decades and now everything seems a lot more different than I was expecting and I kinda feel like I'm being left out of some things that even when I first started transitioning I wasn't left out of. I'm wondering has this happened to anyone else? (either mtf or ftm)

[Ms Grace]

Yep, happened. I think it's a fairly common experience, the flip side is that women friends are also more open to me about things they probably never would have raised before.

[HappyMoni]

Jenni,
   I have a male  friend who has started treating me differently. In my previous life he called me his brother because he felt closer to me than his two biological brothers. He is very binary in his thinking. At first I tried to reassure him with, "I'm gonna be the same person." His response was, "No, it will not be the same. You are already different." It was a reality moment for me. He was right. Things would never be the same, not for him and not for me. Change means things don't stay the same. You can't just lose the things you don't want. Sometimes you lose good things. I am now trying to reestablish a new relationship, with the new rules. It can be so positive to reinvent the relationships that were and are now changed. We do have a new dimension to our relationship that I never would have dreamed of. We each get a certain pleasure from making the other blush with embarrassment. Guess I figure if he's looking to be uncomfortable, ...well, "Here you go!" Might  as well get a laugh out of it.
   In general, men don't know what to do with a male to female trans friend. On the flip side, woman seem to be so much more open. There are a number of lady friends who used to have a wall up with me. Once they found out I was transgender, you could see it in their faces, I was no longer threatening in any way. It was like I was instantly a different person to them.
   I think you take the good with the bad. I asked for the change. If everyone treated my exactly the same, I would not like it at all.
Moni

[EmilyMK03]

I only had a few male friends before I started transitioning, and they have never been stereotypical guys.  They've always treated women with respect, never using words like "babe, honey, or darling."  I've also never heard them swear, ever, for as long as I've known them.  And they never made comments about other women that many men typically do, like pointing out and saying "she's hot!" when noticing a beautiful woman.  Maybe that's why they've been such good friends with me for so many years (decades actually), because they're not typical guys.

What's interesting is that none of us ever referred to each other as "bro" or "dude" either.  In fact one of them rarely even used my old name.  It was always "hey" or "hi" when greeting each other in the past, instead of "hi [deadname]"

As long as I can remember, my male friends have pretty much always treated men and women the same, so the way they treat me now is basically the same as before my transition, lol.

[Heita]

Yes, happened here too. I don't pass, I just told my group of friends my gender and this happened. They are an extremely open minded bunch of people, I felt very oddly in the beginning because they are mostly female in this group and I am not used at all to girls groups, I felt out of place and uncomfortable. I decided to stick around because they are good people and some of them are truly remarkable, but I had to get out the whole girly thing, not to mention that I was feeling like I was deceiving them. So, long story short, I told them. They now treat me like a man, they don't behave girly with me and don't share gossip with me the way girls do with each other. It has changed visibly and we are still good friends. Thankfully later on one of them come out as gender fluid and I was over the top with relief when lately a male guy joined. On the other hand my sport teammates knew mi from the start as a guy because I asked if it was ok to join as a non-medical transgender, so I've always been a dude to them and there was no change in their way of befriending me. My two oldest friends haven't changed at all, I'm just "me" to them.

[Lady Sarah]

When I started transitioning, all I had was my best friend. Every dynamic we had, changed. He became my 1st finance, and then became psychologically as well as physically abusive. When I fought back and won, he resorted to using guns to get his way.

When I left, I did not want another man for a couple of decades. It took a lot of healing. Upon starting the new relationship with my current husband, I told him what I had gone through, just so he could understand.

I would advise (for others), do not get involved with friends you had before transition. The dynamics change so much, that your friend may turn out to be a monster. Keep them as friends, but maintain a respectable boundary. I wish I had.

[V]

I don't have any cis-gender friends from before I transitioned. Somewhere along the way they all disappeared.
My best friend from before I transitioned could not cope with it when I told him I was trans. He literally cut me out of his life completely and immediately. It really hurt because we were really close pals, and shared so much time together and travelled the country extensively together. So if your cis-friends stay by your side when you transition, then you are very lucky. Of course the dynamic will change, your male friends are now treating you as a female, and vice-versa. That's the way of the world mostly.
My family treat me differently since I transitioned. They have been very accepting and supportive, and I am very very lucky for that. But my brother and I are not so close any more, and I know (because my mom has told me) that he struggled a great deal with 'losing' his older brother. He never shows this, but we just aren't as close now, it is a shame but what can I do?
My parents treat me differently too. My dad is much more protective, never swears around me, but we are still very close. My mom now expects me to be much more like her and take on the gender specific roles that she abides by. We always struggled before, but now we get on much better and regularly go shopping and chat, it's great really.

Bottom line, most trans people appear (to observing cis-gender folk) to change much more than we think we've changed. And to them, it's a big change, often a really big change, so they will mostly treat us differently.
As long as they are not nasty, then that is really all you can hope for.
I actually prefer the people who don't know my past, and only know me as I am now. Those friendships are important because I can be my authentic self with them, and there's no baggage from my past, lurking away in the background.

[IdontEven]

When I started transitioning, all I had was my best friend. Every dynamic we had, changed. He became my 1st finance, and then became psychologically as well as physically abusive. When I fought back and won, he resorted to using guns to get his way.

When I left, I did not want another man for a couple of decades. It took a lot of healing. Upon starting the new relationship with my current husband, I told him what I had gone through, just so he could understand.

I would advise (for others), do not get involved with friends you had before transition. The dynamics change so much, that your friend may turn out to be a monster. Keep them as friends, but maintain a respectable boundary. I wish I had.

I'm actually sort of in that situation, where the possibility to get involved with an old friend exists. I had never considered that he may turn out to be a problem, I guess just because he never has been in all the years I've known him. I thought I've been pretty smart about things, what/where/who to look out for, or at least trying my best to be, but apparently I've got some pretty huge blind spots.

Your post will make me keep my eyes open in a way they weren't before. Thank you.

[JeNn_DeViLz]

i am almost out out fully just waiting for hrt again (2nd time i wasn't ready the first time like i thought) but all the girls at work have taken me under their wing, even one of my female managers and the head of our district HR is even on my side. It's a nice feeling and most of the guy co workers still refer to me as a guy but i'm not out out yet fully so im not wearing makeup at work just yet. i'm planning on wearing the girls uniform from now on and slowly move into things to keep it easy. we share a kitchen with another restaurant and even the girls over there love me and have to correct the male employees. i'm pretty open about who i am and no one cares because i'm so friendly and work hard so respect isn't an issue. i am hoping i can switch positions at work but maybe after the new year and new me