New here-Questioning

[TheShyCake]

Hello there, i just registered minutes ago (sorry for bad english, I'm not a native speaker) and i'm really sorry if making a new topic wasn't necessary. I've read similiar topics, but because i have questions about my own problems i thought i'd make a new thread, sorry again.

Well, i'm a female bodied 16 year old living in germany. I've registered already in german forums, because I've lived since a year as a male/ftm but i think that i can't just show my doubts there now, or to my friends yet.

My problem is, that recently, i had no real dysphoria or didn't want "so bad" to be read as male.The ftm-time acutally started after bad incidents within the family and before that, so i think, i never thought of myself as really male.I still have some problems, but it seems, that it just isn't important to me, wether i'll be read as male or as female.

But now, some months before starting hormones, and even a little before, i doubt that i really need that.Yes, many peoples experience  that dysphoria comes and leaves, that it is usual like that. But honestly, i don't want it to come back. I just want to find a way living in the body i have. I don't hate my body, and also, i can at most at the timey actually say that it's mine,and not that i need to transition into my real self.

I may have been in a period where i thought, that my body is disgusting and that i need to transition to be liked. There are times when i think that my body is "weird", genitals for example. But it doesn't make me depressed. But i don't love it either.Something inbetween.

Also, i can't stand the thought of being curvy or gaining weight at some areas, but i don't think that male fat redistribution would change much.
And i'm, outed to mostly everyone I know. I have to admit, i've rushed with my outing.


So i simply don't know what to do. Maybe there is something like  a hate in me against myself, so that i wanted to transition to someone else....It's weird, I'm sorry.

As, let's say, a girl, do i have do adore my f.ex. beautiful thigs, big eyes or something to be a girl?Like, do i have to absolutely like the body i have, without any doubts? Or is it enough that i can look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cut something off? Any advice?

[Heita]

Hello,

you are not weird, it's ok to be confused.

In general you don't have to transition fully to be ok, you can just live your life as a man without changing your body at all. You have to understand why you want to change your body, if it is because you dream of a better life as someone else or because of your gender identity.

Maybe you can ask yourself: you will still be a man, in your feelings, social life and sense of self if you keep your female body? If yes you are transgender, if not you need to do a bit of self reflexion on why you don't like your body.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. It's possible to be transgender but yet not want to change everything in your life. It's possible you are non binary and need to find a place somewhere in the middle where you change some things in you life but you don't change others. I am going to give you a link that will show you some of the possibilities. If you don't see exactly what you feel, that isn't a problem because the link may not be complete. If you look at our WIKI you will see some of the possibilities other than transsexual. Feel free to ask if you have any more questions.

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[Elis]

I don't think it's totally unlikely to have to hate your body to be trans; that's just a harmful stereotype. I have a surgically unaltered body atm but I still think it's an ok body; i can appreciate that I have a nice looking chest even though I want the lumps gone because it gives me dysphoria. Before T I thought I was a binary trans guy (though unconvincingly) because I hated being seen as female. But now on T I've come to realise I'm more nb and feel slightly uncomfortable when referred to as a man. The T has made my dysphoria almost completely go away so instead of hating my body I've come to realise my body doesn't have a gender and I don't really feel hate towards it; just sort of apathetic.