Boy, do I have an experience to share tonight...
Yesterday night, my trans-guy boyfriend came over for a visit, and I got to experience a bit of intimacy with my newly-reconfigured personal bits for the first time.
WOW!!!!!!!!! WOW, WOW, WOW!!!
I can't even begin to describe the sheer night-and-day difference that there is between how things feel now and how they felt before.
I had some doubts before surgery. I'd wake up in the morning in a cold sweat on many mornings because my brain, for whatever reason, would get stuck in this sudden panic where the reality of how permanent SRS was would for some reason overwhelm me. I had some genuine fears about whether SRS really was the right thing for me or not all the way up until surgery. How could I possibly know what it would feel like? How would I know whether the feelings that I'd always imagined feeling would really be that way or not? What if I was wrong, and I'd end up stuck in a body lacking an intimacy that felt satisfying?
The main thing that kept me moving forward through those doubts was two things... first of all, I realized that I'd had those same panics in regards to going full-time, and also in regards to my name-change. So I reasoned that part of the reason I had those fears and self-doubts was just because of my fear of the unknown. And second of all, it was because I did some research and for the first time realized that what I personally had always known as intimate desire was NOT what everyone else understands to be "normal."
The second one is the primary one that kept me moving forward. Because the thing is, I suspect that a lot of us with strong body dysphoria don't really know what normal sexual desire feels like. Go look at a list of people's most common sexual fantasies. What I quickly learned from looking at those lists is that for cis people, most of their sexual desires involve either an ideal person that they themselves want to have sex with, or imagining a certain sexual act being done to their actual bodies. For a lot of trans people with body dysphoria, myself included, I never had such fantasies. Because there was a disconnect between my brain and my genitals, it actually kept me from being able to find fantasies of anything involving my actual body enjoyable. I actually had a lot of trouble figuring out my own sexual orientation because of this, because I just never felt sexual desire like most people feel. I didn't really want anyone to touch me down there. And I didn't really enjoy what it felt like down there when I did get aroused.
That is what my only two intimate encounters were like pre-surgery. Things would get close. But then I'd start getting aroused, and it would COMPLETELY kill my mood, taking my mind out of the moment and making it impossible for me to enjoy it because as soon as erections happened, my brain disconnected and started focusing more on the fact that I hated my body and wished I could have a vagina so badly rather than what was happening. Most people, once they get going, it makes them want to be touched more and more, to feel more and more good feelings, to get more and more intimate. I never felt that.
Tonight, though... YES, YES, YES!!!!!! I did!!!
It's night and day. This was all my dreams coming true, the very first time in my life that my desires actually matched what my body was physically doing. No erection. I FINALLY was able to snuggle and feel that wonderful feeling of my body being completely flush against another person's body, feeling their warmth right up against mine, and wanting to pull them closer and closer, to feel better and better, and I was actually finally able to let go and get completely lost in how wonderful it was because I finally didn't feel that disconnect with my body. I actually craved to be touched for the first time. And when I got that feeling of craving to be touched somewhere, I could actually be touched there. I could FINALLY feel that desire that I've always wanted, to feel someone's hand on top of my flat pubis, and to pull it down more and more... (EEEEEE!!!!!
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And did I mention NO ERECTION!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!
(And by the way, in case anyone is interested, I really don't feel any erection. I can feel my heart racing, I can feel those cravings inside that makes me want to be touched more and more, want to feel pleasure, and it gets way more intense when I'm aroused, but there really is no "erect" feeling at all. Not even in the clitoris. No pressure, no feeling of "growing," just beautiful beautiful internal serenity.
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I seriously cried. This was definitely one of the happiest moments of my entire life. For the first time ever, my intimate life finally feels fixed. I can finally enjoy it and get lost in it and love it for the wonderful thing it is instead of constantly feeling disconnected.
Only problem is, I'm still healing. So unfortunately going any further than touching/feeling is still out of the question because things are still a bit sore and painful, so clitoral contact and pressure on the top of the pubis in particular feels a bit uncomfortable even though it's simultaneously pleasurable, and obviously penetration is still out of the question for another month or so, but still, I definitely can't complain. I wish my body wasn't craving more than what it is presently physically capable of, but the point is, everything that I actually was capable of felt SO right.
So yeah... the primary thing that I went in to surgery to fix (aside from no more tucking and dysphoria while sitting/standing/walking of course,) has indeed been fixed. I can finally cuddle and enjoy romance and intimacy in peace.
