Having a bad night

[SlateRDays]

I'm just sitting half way crying (on off feeling and actual tears at time). I was getting ready to rest quite a few hours ago, but I just couldn't settle. There is just so much rolling through my mind, but it's stuff that has to  be dealt with, of course some is just memories.

It's mostly fears, guilt, and shame about a past mistake that was major in my yes. Worries about transitioning, and how I wish I could just make a certain process just "happen". Just have the right lower regions without worry about constantly being on medicine. Struggling with my sex drive and tired of the usual outlet of hobbies, hardwork and deep breathing. Then religion comes up. What am I even? Why am I here? And what is even real and why do I need to be a apart of this? And lastly the stress of caregiving and asking myself why I wasn't the "normal" teenager who was strongly independant and could have just left home due to the ill treatment I was facing.

I just see so many missed opportunities, uncertainties, and a deep fear that I may not find a way through any of this is a tangible way. I'm working on my skills; I mentioned my language list, I'm busting gluteus on my garden, composting, replanting and restoring the desert disaster due to a sewer line dig up 5 months or so ago. I've got lots keeping me busy, but some of it, is not what I ever wanted, and truthfully, honestly, it's stuff I cannot change. And while i'm aware I cannot change it, and I often try to change my perspective to get through the day, in the end, I end up crying my eyes out, because i just don't know how to change this situation or get myself out of it permenantly.

I've been working to reach out to people, here, youtube. Just comment sharing, posting. Nothing too deep, I'm not yet ready for that level of trust after what I've been through, I'm working on setting up therapy this month or the next to address alot of the other issues I deal with. But I was just trying to rest and it all hit me how alone I am. I left my old friends on good terms, because they were not healthy for me. I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the recent and far past, but i struggle so much to love and forgive myself genuinely, trully, deeply. And knowing that, because I am struggling with this, I am envitably delaying having a relationship with decent people, finding a mate and really just attracting what I want in my life.

I've been climbing the hills of circumstances since birth, and occasionally I get a breath before the next wave, but tonight is one of those nights when a breath just doesn't feel good enough. I want to see real change for all I've worked and am working towards. I'm doing my best to be thankful for now, what I have, the experiences and people, but it's just one of those nights.

[Katy]

Slate,

I'm sorry you are having a difficult night. 

You expressed a wide-ranging mountain of concerns.  It is no wonder that you feel confused.  However, if you were looking for some profound answer you won't be getting it, at least not from me.  It seems to me the only way to move forward with your life is to concentrate on one thing at a time.  Contemplating a long laundry list of concerns often leads to inertia where absolutely nothing gets done.  My advice is to choose a task and work at it until it is accomplished.  Let that task be your all in all for how many hours, days, weeks it requires.  Probably the more physical the activity the better.  Climbing a mountain, even a mountain of concerns, is a matter of one step at a time. 

Hopefully others will chime in and give you better advice than I am able to do.  All the best. 

[SlateRDays]

Thank you for your reply. I'm actually feeling more level, but tired right now. I'm usually doing one thing at a time, however sometimes I slip into that mode of worry, because I'm not where I want to be in life. Caregiving is the main focus, then myself and other things. I've been working hard on having better self-talk so this is helping, but days like that, I just slip down the mudslide.

It's ok if they reply or not, it's just something i needed off my chest last night (early this morning) as I was just feeling quite alone and was hoping to find someone to talk to.

[WarGrowlmon1990]

I've been having nights like that too, more often than usual. During the day having things to keep you busy and distract you can help, but at night when there's nothing to do but be with your thoughts... it isn't easy. On top of that, caregiving has it's own stresses. I've got two toddlers close in age and I'm the one who stays at home with them. The little ones keep me busy, but they can be a handful cause they're so curious about everything. Katy's got a really good point about concentrating on one thing at a time. I tend to focus on too many things at once (in an attempt to distract myself from the worsening dysphoria) and then things don't get done to the fullest extent.

[SlateRDays]

That basically where I'm at, is just pulling back into one simple focus. It's just remembering not to force. That's where I feel the anxiety, is forcing myself to focus. I've been trying to just relax a little today, so then i can ease back into what I need to do, one at a time.