Difficult Families

[Elis]

It's good and healthy to have a whine and a moan now and again; that's what I use this forum for sometimes lol. So even if you think it's childish it really isn't; everyone needs an outlet. I think you're right about your situation being similar to that of a battered spouse. Growimg up my dad did some nice things like buy me sweets and cskes; but that doesn't make up for how he treats me. And it probably caused my addiction to food. Each time I'm upset or really down I eat. Not good.

[Reyes]

It's just so difficult and weird to think about that. Cause it's like, part of me knows that is how things are, I mean why else would they make me so miserable? Yet at the same time I feel just as strongly that I'm wrong to be saying these things, that they aren't like that at all. And I like, believe both so strongly, it's just so confusing.

[Reyes]

Welp, yesterday I was actually starting to think things were getting a bit better, other then my own jitteryness while around them everything went fine.

But then today, been up for five minutes and it becomes perfectly clear that my comfort means nothing to them.

Last night my father replaced my pillow with a new one, I had no problems with the one I had, but it was old, and he said the new one was very good so.

It was the worst night of sleep I have ever had. Despite seeming fat, the second you lay your head on that thing it's like there's only air in it, and it just flattens down to such a point that I can feel the hand thats under my pillow through it, like very much so.

Plus, the thing, I don't know what was up with it, but it was like one of it's layers was a plastic bag or something cause whenever I moved at all there would be that, y'know, crinkling plastic bag sound.

I went to sleep earlier then usual, by like 2 hours, and yet now I feel like I only slept 20 minutes I'm so exhausted as I woke up like every five minutes.

So I went to ask for my old pillow back because this one was horrible. First, they threw out my old pillow already. Then, they don't even say one single word to prove belief in how I feel, or that we'll get a new one, nothin.

No, it's Eh it's fine, there's nothing wrong with it, your just to sensitive, it's a new pillow, you have to get used to it, what you think the pillows at the hotel are new, no they're old and many people have slept on them, this is an expensive pillow.

Yep.


Oh, second thing, the other night, while they were out to dinner, I was going to take a bath in this large tub the room had, but I didn't have enough time while they were out, so I turned on the one bathroom light that also has like a fan that is just so loud, and I put a movie on on my tablet, and then I turned the bath on to like, I don't 30 percent strength, didn't want to have it be to loud.

And then I left the room, closed the door, and went by where my father sleeps to see if it could be heard. Not a sound. So I planned to take one after everyone else went to sleep.

But when they finally had, I set everything up how I did earlier so he couldn't hear the water, and I went to turn it on, and even though I knew I could make it semi high I was to scared to turn it up more then practically a drizzle. So there I was, it would take like an hour to fill up, and every so often I would try and turn it up more, and it would sound loud to me, and I'd panic and turn it lower again cause I was so worried my dad would hear even though I knew he couldn't.

In the end after like 40 minutes it was around two thirds full, and I just didn't have it in me to wait any longer, so I shut it off and drained the tub.. And the thing is, other then the fact that we had to go to sleep earlier then usual as we were leaving early the next morning, there is no way that I can logically see that I would get in trouble for that.

I mean it was only about 12:30, and I'd told my father earlier before they went to dinner that I wanted to take a bath in it while they were gone and he said okay, well, first he told me that it didn't have the whirlpool feature like it used to, but I said that was fine, and he said okay, and was fine with it, I mean it's a bath, what's the problem. And yet still..

[Tristyn]

Yeah, for most of  us family just sucks....I don't know why but they do. Some of us have really supportive family and  for those of you who do, you are very blessed. I just don't get why some of us have the most worst family ever. Or maybe they want to be supportive but they don't really know how. I plan to really cut most of mine off. That will solve many of your problems. But it is not easy. I also get the nagging feeling that my folks aren't so bad. I do think that my mom would be supportive if only she was not suffering from dementia. Anyways, best of luck to you for dealing with your father; he sounds like a bit of a pain like my dad.

[Reyes]

Man, so this is quickly becoming my most used topic of those I've created..

Anyway, I looked up signs of emotional abuse earlier, and I couldn't believe how many of the my family have exhibited towards me over the years.

One of which, making jokes on my expense, my father does basically constantly. Like, we're going to get-, for dinner we're having-, we're going to-, we're going to do-, you're going to-, and the like, and always of things he knows I hate, and then he laughs because he's joking.

And honestly he does this so often that sometimes I can't even tell if he's joking or not anymore, and the times I don't and say something, my sister goes, He's joking you idiot.

Tonight we ate at my grandma's instead of going out to eat, I was basically squeezed between my sister and father at the small table and I felt on edge on through dinner, in part because as of late I can't stand it when someone touches me and I kinda like inwardly flinch.

And I notice they're talking to each other about various things, fawning over the baby, but except for like 3 or so times when my grandma asked if I wanted more, no one said a word to me, it was like I wasn't even there. I mean if this were Sunnydale I'd probably of actually turned invisible by now.

And then when we leave my grandma's saying some stuff to my dad, and tells my sister she hopes she feels better and she needs to call her to talk about something, and she's being all baby talk to the baby, and then to me it's just, By. And her voice was even basically devoid of emotion when she said it, it was just By, said flatly.

And what I hate most about all this is now I know from what I read that they might not even realize they're treating me this way, making me feel this way, but I can't tell them because I just know they'll get pissed off at me for thinking something like that about them and..

[Reyes]

Oh, I dunno if this is anything important, though probably very much so. But whenever I'm in another room, and I hear my father or someone talking in another room, where I can basically only hear them as like mumbles, if my father ever sounds like he's upset or angry or whatever I get so worried and so sure that he's talking about me and something I did that's got him angry at me and I get so nervous.

[Elis]

It's good you've done some research on emotional abuse and have noticed the signs. My dad does the jokr thing at my expense too. Growing up i couldn't really tell he was joking and his 'jokes' hit my self esteem hard. And i get the being invisible thing (btw great Buffy reference) if my dad and brother are in the same room together i can never get a word in; but it's not like they're willing to accommodate me into the conversation anyway. My dad was actually told by a therapist when i was around 9 that he needed to be more emotionally there for me; but of course he couldn't possibly thing it was his fault and there had to be something wrong with me.

And yeah; i used to get anxious when my dad sounded angry and immediately assumed it was about me. Now I've numbed myself to it.

[WarGrowlmon1990]

I'm sorry you have to deal with that, Reyes. I can relate to having an emotionally abusive family who makes you feel invisible. All my life I've felt like an outcast in my own family. Every time my family has get-togethers during a holiday, I feel like I'm not even there. There will be times where someone will be listening to me, but they all have a habit of just ignoring me and walking away while I'm in mid-sentence. I just trail off and get more depressed when that happens.

Your dad sounds quite a bit like my dad. He makes jokes at the expense of others (especially when it's someone's worst flaw) and he's set in his ways. Nearly eleven years ago when I was first learning about the possibility of being trans, my parents made it out as if me transitioning would ruin their lives and their reputation so back in the closet I went. I came out to my mom again last year and she said she accepted me... only to turn around, keep misgendering me and tell me to "shelf it" and keep it all to myself. That and the thought of how my other relatives will react has kept me from coming out to too many other people. It's a painful, sickening feeling to keep your true self from others.  Cutting people out of our lives seems like it would make it easier, but that's easier said than done... or at least in my situation, cause my toddlers are so attached with everybody and I don't want them to hurt either.

[Reyes]

This one may just be a case of me being ridiculous, but.

So I was eating dinner in my room like always, and all of a sudden my sister calls me from out in the living room telling me to bring her the internet password, and I tell her I'm eating, but she says, so, stop for a second, and I say, why can't you come and get it, and both her and my dad agreed with her, because it's in my room. So I just sat there for awhile, and no one came, so I just got up and brought it to her. My sister refused to even entertain the thought of coming to get it herself, I had too.

[Juliefin]

Reyes,

I don't know you so my reply is based on the assumption that you're trans (why else would you be here). First question, do your parents know you're trans? And if they do, could it be that their behavior is motivated by you being trans? Sorry if you were explicit about this but I missed it.

Regardless, your parents do sound emotionally abusive. I know this from personal experience, however the problems I had with my parents, while very similar in some respects had nothing to do with being trans (since I didn't even know that). My parents were very very controlling when I was younger, to the point that I had a bed time at the age of 22. They took advantage of the fact that I was completely dependent on them for everything to manipulate and control me, both in terms of education, behavior and my decisions, to do what they wanted me to do. And what I realized was that I would be miserable for as long as I stayed with them. And so I left with the clothes on my back. And I was homeless for 3 months. And that was better than living in a golden prison, where they could be nice to me one moment and the next manipulate or guilt me into doing something that I didn't want to do. I realized that working towards my independence was one of the most valuable things. I initially used loan money from school to help me get a room for rent, and eventually got my first job while I was starting my master's at the time. And for 6 months I did not speak to my parents, but the result was that I was able to rebuild my relationship with them under a foundation of respect for my independence and autonomy. And from that point at 23, I did not tolerate anyone telling me what to do. It was a valuable life lesson.

Hopefully you can learn from my experience. You need to stop getting manipulated and do what you have to do to become independent, even if it means damaging your relationship with them in the short term. You'll find an inner strength you didn't know you had.

[Reyes]

They don't know at all.

But so much of what you said sounds like my life as well.

Sadly though I'm just not brave whatsoever, I could never bring myself to just leave like that, especially as my Uncle did the same and never wanted anything to do with us again and the way they think of him, which they're right to as he did it because his wife told him, but I can't stand the thought of them feeling the same about me...

[Juliefin]

Then you have to ask yourself, is being miserable with your family really worth? Why would you care what they think of you if the reverse is not true? Relationships should be reciprocated. I didn't think I was brave either. It got so bad for me that that was the only choice. You reach a climactic point at which the suffering is just not worth it anymore. Actually, very analogous to how I felt about starting my transition, now that I think of it.

[Reyes]

Part of me knows your right, but despite hating them a good part of the time, I still, I love them. And I know this is true about them, that they are emotionally abusive, but at the same time I hate thinking of them being so.

[Tristyn]

It is a very conflicting thing when family of all people are the ones mainly causing you emotional distress, from what I read out of your posts here. One part of you wants to eliminate their existence from your own somehow, but the other half wants them to just be there for you as they should because that's what family is supposed to be like. I really admire you for sticking through all of this; that says alot about your endurance as an adult, assuming that you are one. Please, keep coming here for support even if it's just to vent.

Do you ever use the chat here? It's so helpful! I hope you can get on your own two feet somehow. It just seems like things can improve for you if that were the case. I mean, think about it; you're own place, you're own rules. As long as you live under your parents' roof, it's their way or no way. I know that all too well. I think your best solution right now is to develop some coping mechanisms to help deal with these various situations that causes you so much upset internally. It is hard to talk about your feelings with people who don't want to listen in the first place, including family members. Instead, focus more on how to deal with these situations. What helps you feel good? Music? A funny movie? A book? Videogames? Find your "happy place" and escape there....

[Reyes]

I so badly want to get out of here....

Past few days I haven't been depressed at all really, I mean a bit but.

Only thing that made me feel bad really the past few days was the fact that I haven't felt trans, which has happened before and I absolutely hated it. And myself for it. It all may make me misrable, but I'd rather feel it all then not.

Anyway, other then the scant few times I thought on that, the past few days have been good, until 20 minutes ago.

I went to the kitchen to take the pill I have to take at that time everyday, and after I went to my father to tell him we need to call in a refill on my pil's, and then once again being the idiot that I am in never keeping my mouth shut, I asked when we'd be going to the bank to move this months check into my debit card, and he said when I have time to get to the bank, and then here's the part with me being an idiot, I said, well we can't wait to long, I only have like 4 dollars out of the 300 from last month left, and he gets that look on his face and says in that same angry voice which he claims isn't him being angry, and goes, you know you have to have at least 100 in there at all times. And i tell him, i did a week ago when i got this months money, but then the monthly bills I pay were taken out, and he waited so long.

And I just went back in my room and sat down in my chair and just felt furious at my father, then at my self for saying anything, and i hit myself in the head out of frustration and then the depression just came washing over me again and I felt so awful, and I pulled my knees up on my chair and started worrying that he may come to my room at any moment.

And I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think I had another panic attack. Cause I stayed there hugging my legs and despite deciding I would take a shower to calm down, i just could not get myself to move from the chair, and I wondered if anything was actually happening or I just believed it was, but I just could not get myself to get out of that chair for like 8 or more minutes. Or less, not sure.

Finally I did and I moved to go tell my father I was going to take a shower so he wouldn't come in my room while I was in the shower.

And then this is why I think it might of been a panic attack again, but after several steps I just like completely lost balance and tripped over my own feet or something and had to grab the doorframe to steady myself.

Then for like 20 seconds immediately after I felt like my head was spinning or swimming or both.

Its stopped by now but..

[Tristyn]

It is possible that your dad, as emotionally harmful as he may seem, actually is very concerned for you but does not show it in a way that is healthy or approachable for you.

He kind of reminds me of mine as far as his worry over money. I think alot of men of his generation were raised this way, whether they realize it or not. I think his actions and beliefs about money are as pathological as my dad's due to traditions of the past. I think maybe he, being your dad, is struggling with expressing himself to you and finds that his only means of doing so is to yell, scream and shout at you. Alot of people do that, I think, so they can feel some form of confirmation that they are being heard. He wants to feel that you are listening to him. So he raises his voice, though in the end, this is extremely counterproductive to that. In fact, him raising his volume will subconsciously cause you to listen even less if anything because now you're in absolute terror and cannot even begin to really listen. This shows very poor communication skills from your dad and mine's too.

So, when my dad starts to yell, I say, "Ok. I understand," in a calm and controlled voice and remove myself from the situation so as to go find something constructive to do to distract myself from the negative thoughts that try to come pouring in from the previous confrontation. Be like the soothing water that puts out the flame; fighting fire with fire never works and only causes more fire. Also, you may be better off if you distance yourself as much as possible from your family even though you have to live with them right now.

When you feel panic attacks coming on, do you have any medicine you can take to help calm you? I take ativan. Not sure if it'll help but it really does for me. Also, breathing exercises do too. It's no wonder you would have one right after this confrontation with your dad. Your body has learned to react to your father's behavior in a "fight or flight" response after years and years of dealing with it. You really should consider therapy, if you haven't already. I don't suggest you get your dad involved until he starts to show signs of interest, which may never happen. Some people, even family, sad as this sounds, are set in their ways for life. Be ready to remove him from your life so you can live, if need be.

[Reyes]

Yeah my father doesn't give a ->-bleeped-<-. I once tried explaining to him how it makes me feel when he's talking angry sounding like that, I've become to scared to tell him anything, I told him that, and I begged him, I begged him, please try to control your voice, you say you're not angry, so please try not to sound like it.

And how does he respond? By doing EXACTLY what I begged and pleaded with him not to do anymore, for like 15 minutes, about money, I never once said anything about money, that has nothing to do with what I'm begging of him, and yet to that he goes on again.

That was now that I know how to recognize one, the first time I had an actual panic attack.

It was shortly after that when I began to stay in my room.

And y'know, on that, they all see exactly how bad I'm doing, they'd have to be blind not to. Yet they never try and do anything. Over the course of a day, my dad only comes into my room twice, the rest of the time I wonder if they even know I'm still there.

And then once in a blue moon, meaning twice in the past three months, they ask, is anything wrong? And I just can't tell them, so I go, no, I'm okay, and I say it so depressed, I mean I don't mean to, it just happens, but they apparently accept that, and go on their way. They don't even attempt to find out what's bothering me.

Y'know when the last time we ever had any form of important discussion? 11 years ago when I was in high school and this guy who was bullying me stole my house keys.

Only time since then, I was incredibly depressed, and basically falling apart in the bathroom at this crappy tech college, and I called up my dad begging him to come pick me up, and I'm crying like anything, I wasn't sure if I'd ever stop, and he wouldn't have it, he refused, he got angry at me going on about how I just have to stop this stuff. And then he hung up on me, and I was basically in the bathroom for like 2 hours unable to stop crying, which was made all the worse by that phone call.

I honestly don't think I went to class that day, even after I stopped I'm pretty sure I stayed in there.

[Tristyn]

Yeah my father doesn't give a ->-bleeped-<-. I once tried explaining to him how it makes me feel when he's talking angry sounding like that, I've become to scared to tell him anything, I told him that, and I begged him, I begged him, please try to control your voice, you say you're not angry, so please try not to sound like it.

And how does he respond? By doing EXACTLY what I begged and pleaded with him not to do anymore, for like 15 minutes, about money, I never once said anything about money, that has nothing to do with what I'm begging of him, and yet to that he goes on again.

That was now that I know how to recognize one, the first time I had an actual panic attack.

It was shortly after that when I began to stay in my room.

And y'know, on that, they all see exactly how bad I'm doing, they'd have to be blind not to. Yet they never try and do anything. Over the course of a day, my dad only comes into my room twice, the rest of the time I wonder if they even know I'm still there.

And then once in a blue moon, meaning twice in the past three months, they ask, is anything wrong? And I just can't tell them, so I go, no, I'm okay, and I say it so depressed, I mean I don't mean to, it just happens, but they apparently accept that, and go on their way. They don't even attempt to find out what's bothering me.

Y'know when the last time we ever had any form of important discussion? 11 years ago when I was in high school and this guy who was bullying me stole my house keys.

Only time since then, I was incredibly depressed, and basically falling apart in the bathroom at this crappy tech college, and I called up my dad begging him to come pick me up, and I'm crying like anything, I wasn't sure if I'd ever stop, and he wouldn't have it, he refused, he got angry at me going on about how I just have to stop this stuff. And then he hung up on me, and I was basically in the bathroom for like 2 hours unable to stop crying, which was made all the worse by that phone call.

I honestly don't think I went to class that day, even after I stopped I'm pretty sure I stayed in there.

Hm. You know no one can change anyone, right? If you want your dad to change, you have to realize that it's up to him to change and no one can do it for him. I'm sorry some of us have like the most frigid parents; seems like the grass is always greener on the other side somehow at times. But these feelings you have really should make you want to do something about them instead of dragging them on; this won't get you anywhere in life, in my opinion. It's ok to put this out but at some point, it's time to come up with a solution to the problem. How do you expect things to improve if you're not even willing to put in the time and effort it will take to do so? Do you really want to feel better? Then start with your thoughts/self-talk and improve on that. Start very small and work your way up. You're family, don't focus on them so much right not. Focus on you.

[ezjuliani]

What emotional abuse??, how do you think what they are going through? ??

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