Seeing as we're doing lists <3
Everything that *might* have something to do with it (not necessarily, I don't feel comfortable saying this was all due to identity issues, seems a little exculpatory to label unknown at the time dysphoria as the source of everything bad that ever happened). Apologies for any overlap in this list.
Also, I'm 19 so to some of you that might not seem late, but to me it is late.
1: My name never felt right - spent years, literally years bouncing names around, never thought to ever try a ladies name.
2: Always thought my genitals looked wrong/odd - I generally like my body, except for the presence, and lack, of certain features.
3: Shy - lots of people who aren't trans are shy, but still, this was sort of excessive
4: Never felt like I fitted in - once again, lots of people, but once again excessive
5: No interest in "manly" pursuits - hate sports, still do, I liked the long socks though, would always pull them up even when people said it was girly
6: Disliked my face as I got older - used to get "mistaken" for a girl, never got offended at that at all, upon aging I took a real disliking to my features, always felt something wrong about it
7: Dressed in my mother's clothes from time to time when parents were out - from wobbling around in her heels to trying on her clothes
8: Always tired, fatigued, no reason to get up in the morning - would wake up several times each morning, say ".... it" and go back to sleep, never enough sleep. I now go to sleep at 2-3 am and wake up at 7 am, fresh as a daisy even after tonnes of nightly research ever since coming to terms with myself, not even an alarm. Yay for motivation.
9: Puberty it was one of those things I always felt would happen to other people - Nope, it got me too, and it was the wrong one. I resent testosterone for every single thing it has ever done to me
10: Feel more comfortable dressing as a woman - generally more happy
11: Always preferred emotional to physical connections - did not understand guy's obsessions with sex, preferred friendships
12: Despised muscle - on myself anyway
13: Envious of women - wanted to be them, not even the successful or beautiful ones sometimes
14: Felt generally bad for a long time - took it to be a universal experience
15: Used to cry so much - Not a tear anymore unless I force it, feel emotionally amputated (starting to get a little back)
16: No enjoyment out of social interactions - I went to uni after years of all boys schools, just realized I love being around people, if they're girls anyway, can relate/empathize with them so much more readily
17: Would choose female characters in games - when parents wouldnt find out
18: Empathized with female characters more in books and movies - Twilight, awful piece of writing that it was, gave a protagonist so devoid of personality that you inserted yourself in her place, was my favourite book for a long time because of it
19: Enjoyed cooking and art - deliberately stopped it to seem more masculine
20: Hated team sports - it was always so competitive and unpleasant, never fitted in because of it
21: Shaved my body hair - never stopped from the day I started, now realize how much I despise it and how much better I feel without it
22: Never once felt like "a guy" or put any stock in being one - despite that it was a long time before I asked myself if I would rather be a woman
23: Hate my facial hair - so glad I only have wisps on my upper lip and about 3 slow growing straggly hairs on my chin, even those annoy me incommensurately to their actual presence
24: Hated shopping for boy clothes - disguised it with disinterest
25: Loved looking at girl clothes - disguised it with disinterest
26: No interest in my male clothes whatsoever - routinely just pick up the first thing I see, what does it matter, I hate them all
27: Always wanted to tick "Female" in censuses and questionnaires. Same thing for female restrooms (no I'm not a pervert)
28: Hate my voice - used to love to sing before puberty, I could go so high, I still have a "good voice", I just don't like it anymore
29: When I learnt about intersex conditions I wish I had one to have an excuse to transition - it didn't even click for me then (I am so blind)
30: I find it easier to make friends with women
31: Felt parts of my body were empty - hips, legs, cheeks, chest
32: Emotionally numb - my emotions just faded away into some vast unknowable emptiness (starting to get a few back)
33: Always preferred emotional solidarity rather than solutions to problems - although solutions *cough*HRT*cough* are also nice
34: Envious of other peoples timelines
35: Felt like I was just going through life out of a sense of duty - no real motivation or enjoyment for/of anything, just waiting for it all to end, or to end it myself
36: Always hated erections - particularly in the morning, beautiful day, sun is shining, horrible thing in between my legs making its presence known, probably why I disliked waking up, put it off for a few hours more before you notice it
37: Flinch away from views of my genitalia when I am not intending to look at it - I can look at it if I intend to, but even then I tend to limit it, closing eyes when washing for example
38: Good at hiding visible distress - generally all I do is close my eyes, people always asked me why I closed my eyes while talking
39: Masturbate rarely - once a month
40: Agonize over male features
41: Try focusing on female features - love when I find them
42: Considered suicide frequently since about 9 years old - would rarely get very far as I always thought it was too messy emotionally for family to deal with
43: Could never imagine where I would be in 10 days, much less, 10 years time
44: Feel calmer in female clothes
45: Disliked my father - always worried I would end up like him (he's a perfectly likable person by the way)
46: Never liked people saying I looked like my father
47: Liked when people said I looked like my mother
48: Terrified of further changes in my body, terrified of darkening hair
49: Disliked being referred to as he. Would always squirm uncomfortably when referenced as such
50: Never liked the moral attributions and role pigeon-holing of religion
51: Felt like the only person who ever fully understood the meaning of Sartre's quote "Hell is other people" (hell is the recognition of how other people view us)
52: Felt distanced and disinterested in my own life - never really cared enough to remember it even though I have a good memory
53: Would always find a way to distract myself from my own undirected thought process - whether by reading, video games, movies, directed thought/philosophizing
54: Always knew things could get worse at some level, just could never create a realistic scenario of it - if you understand what I mean, imagining your socks were made of snakes is hardly realistic, though it's relieving that they aren't
55: Recognized at about 9 years old that I would never be happy - talk about a kick in the face at a young age, forgot about that for so long, and a monochrome world was just something I got used to
56: Learnt even younger that laughter made you feel better - tried laughing as much as possible, subconscious recognition of unhappiness I suppose
57: I would prefer to be alone, that way I wouldn't have to see them seeing me (back to Sartre)
58: Life felt a little bit like a primary school play - stammer out the lines you were expected to say as quickly as possible until it was over
59: Absolutely mortified of rejection
60: I wasted time and now doth time waste me
There's other stuff as I started to realize and explore myself, but the above is just what I went through, completely oblivious to it all.
Edit: 61: Always wanted long hair 62: Traumatized by haircuts 63: Liked nail polish (have painted my nails once now, loved it so much)
