definitely real yet probably not

[eggbun]

hey everyone this is my first post on here so sorry if I mess up... but anyway! A little bit of background about me: I'm nonbinary and in a relationship with a cis male. we've been together for around six years and when they met me I was struggling with feelings of wanting to be a boy. I don't think I ever told them about these feelings so as long as they've known me, they've seen me as a cis girl.

Lately, I've just been in this weird slump. I can't deny the fact that I'm nonbinary anymore. I just really don't know how to tell my boyfriend. I don't know how to tell them about my gender issues AND the fact that I'm pan. We've known each other for so long and he's my best friend, it's just that I'm so dang anxious and shy. I'm scared he will accuse me of being confused. He isn't that kind of person yet you never know with people... Does anyone have advice for coming out to a partner?

[Tessa James]

Good morning egg bun,  Welcome to the Place and the non binary section.  I hear from increasing numbers of non binary people and attribute that to great visibility and awareness of trans people in general.  Your post title suggests some doubt about??  Many of us have heard that "you're confused" accusation but I would guess that it could also mean that they are confused and projecting those feelings.  Discussions can certainly be initiated in a general context by talking about well known media celebrities who are trans and simply asking; "what do you think of that?"  going further one could ask;  "what would you do if?"  Being non binary and pan actually offers intriguing possibilities in my opinion;)  It often seems more difficult for a partner or family members who have known us for years and just assume that anatomy says it all?

Ultimately any sort of "coming out" is a personal journey and there are any number of ways people approach it.  One aspect some know as a question; Who is the hardest person to come out to?  Very often it is ourselves.  Was true for me too.  It seems that once we fully accept ourselves the need to express that truth becomes ever stronger.  Closets are best for clothes and for hiding perhaps?  Good luck with your next steps and thanks for sharing.

[Jacqueline]

Welcome to the site.

We actually have an entire category devoted to coming out. It is never easy. As Tessa James said often it is hardest to accept in ourselves. However, it sounds like you are already there.

I would ask if you are currently in therapy? If so, this could(should?) be the focus on a number of sessions. I guess my next question would be how settled on who/where you fit in, are you? Does that need to be focused on before you can talk about it? I know when I first started therapy, I thought I was a cross dresser. But it was not enough. I finally admitted that I am MTF transgender. From there I could/am exploring how far I have to go to be comfortable in life.

Unless your SO somehow guesses, you will probably have to initiate the conversation. It seems that absolute honesty is what helps relationships weather tough times. Including honestly saying you don't know or are unsure about something. Be prepared and imagine any question they could ask you. You have had a long time to think about this. When you tell them, it will all be new. Be prepared to answer questions. Don't overwhelm in the initial explanation. Be prepared to answer the same question a couple of times. Give some space and breathe.

That was the advice I was given and it helped with some of the people I told. I am not done telling(they claim that once you start it is an on going thing for quite a while).

Good luck. Come back with more questions as needed.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[j-unique]

"what would you do if?"  Being non binary and pan actually offers intriguing possibilities in my opinion;)

To check it, you can also ask what they'd think about some specific, little things. If you see openness, you can go further, and if not, you may ask why and find out what's a better way to tell them.

It often seems more difficult for a partner or family members who have known us for years and just assume that anatomy says it all?

It really seems so. However, if there's a trusting relationship, it opens possibilities you wouldn't have otherwise. For instance, people may trust you when you say who you are instead if questioning and denying it like they would do with a stranger.