My earliest memory of crossing the traditional gender line was at about age 4. I was in the Sunday school nativity play (a shepherd, I think) and just before we were about to go on stage, one of the ladies applied makeup to all of us (lipstick and powder, I think). I don't remember feeling particularly girly at the time but the memory has stuck with me all of this time.
At primary school, I remember clumsily trying to be friends with the girls; I always liked the pretty ones, particularly those who wore nylon tights which were just becoming available for girls at that time. But, at age 9 - disaster. We moved and I was sent to an all-boys school which, looking back, was probably where my stronger urges started. Interestingly, although I do not dream in my sleep much, when I did during this period, I was always a girl.
One day, in my mid teens, I found a pair of my mother's tights on my parent's bed. The urge to try them on was overwhelming and, as a result, I had my first..... well, you get the picture. From time to time, I was left alone in the house and used the opportunity to try on my mother's clothes and shoes (which still fitted me at the time) - heaven. I have two strong memories from this time - firstly, the realisation that I would have preferred to have been born a girl and, secondly, my mother telling a friend and me about a book she'd read by someone called Jan Morris who'd had a 'sex change' - was this really possible?
Moving into my 20s, shared rooms at university put paid to any dressing as did shared houses when I started work. However, on a couple of occasions in my late 20s, I bought outfits (dress, tights, shoes, bra & knickers) from supermarkets which I would wear at home until the novelty wore off and they were purged. At this time, I also saw, and bought 'Tula - I am a woman' (the biography of Caroline Cossey) and was stunned at the success of her transformation.
Marriage in my 30s cured me, or so I thought. I would still have thoughts wondering what it would be like to be female but the flush of love for my wife helped overcome any urges in this area. However, my fascination with all things TG persisted and I would always try to read a TG-related newspaper article or watch a TV programme but always with the worry that I would give my secret away.
However, in 2009, after nearly 20 years of marriage, the urges came back and started a pattern of buy - wear a few times - feel guilty - purge. It was at this time that I discovered that wigs can be bought cheaply in shops selling ethnic hair products ("I need a wig for a fancy dress party I'm going to..."). Primark was a godsend displaying shoes in pairs in my size. Also, whereas my early forays into crossdressing had had a strong sexual side, now this aspect was diminishing and, it its place a feeling of absolute calmness.
In late 2013, I decided to have a dressing session, opened my case and my makeup bag wasn't there. Searched everywhere (so I thought) but couldn't find it so, in the end, decided that I would need to confess to my wife. After the initial shock, she was reasonably OK with the idea, even buying me a padded bra but, after a further period, she gave me an ultimatum - her or the clothes. I chose her and had my final purge (or so I thought).
Since then, the urges have come and gone but I have remained emotionally close to the TG world through site such as this. However, a couple of weeks ago, my urges came back stronger than ever and, during a weekend away alone, I purchased a few items (shoes, dress & underwear) and dressed again. I kept the items on for several hours and even wore the underwear (minus bra) when I left the hotel room to get a meal. The feeling I got from doing this was unbelievable. In this latest phase, some things have changed:
- I no longer have any sexual overtones in my actions (these had diminished over time anyway, but during the time I spent dressed at the weekend, the overriding feeling was one of calmness and this is how things should have been).
- I no longer dream solely of wearing high heels and glamorous clothes and can now visualise myself dressed casually at times as well
- I have started obsessing over women I see in the street and wanting to emulate their outfits
- Even wearing a couple of items of underwear outside my hotel made me feel female/feminine
- I have now started considering transitioning (helped in no small part through reading some of the wonderful stories on this site). It is obviously far too soon to make any firm decisions but, unlike previously, I'm not dismissing it out of hand.
What the future holds, I do not know. In particular, given my wife's reaction in 2013, the situation going forward will have to be handled very delicately and, if I proceed further, it will end our marriage (although I have to admit that the marriage isn't strong anyway and we are no longer intimate).
Whatever the future holds, I no longer fear it and am grateful for all of the inspiration which your stories have given me.
With love,
Amanda x
