Unsure

[FTMDiaries]

I'm really sorry to say this, but from my own experiences within my own marriage, and the experiences of many others here, it doesn't sound promising for the future of your marriage... irrespective of whether you choose to transition.

A couple of things you've said concern me greatly about your situation:

To say she didn't take it well would be an understatement, we had 2 weeks of silence, accusations, recriminations, and ultimately it was made clear to me that my "issue" is Not To Be Spoken Of.

This, and many other things you've said in the thread, is indicative of abusive behaviour. My ex used to do the same to me, torturing me for around 2 weeks at a time with the same 'cold shoulder' behaviour, until eventually I'd capitulate and 'apologise' just so I could get a bit of affection again.

This next bit is also very much part of an emotionally abusive relationship - I suggest you research 'emotional abuse' and see how much of it resonates with you:

My needs and wants seem to be subservient to my wife's. I try my damnedest to make her happy, ultimately though my best never seems to be good enough. I'm constantly made to feel selfish for wanting anything for myself... I just don't know what to do.

In a marriage - or any long-term, committed relationship - each partner should be putting their other half's needs above their own. That way, nobody is being selfish and nobody is being neglected. If one of you is putting in the effort but the other one isn't, that doesn't bode well for the future of your marriage. How much longer can you tolerate being neglected? You've put in a good 13-year stint already (and I daresay there were many wonderful times during that period), but if your marriage has come to the point where your wife is being cruel to you, do you honestly think it'll get better and she'll start treating you kindly again? Especially now you've come out to her about your trans feelings. Is she going to accept you warts & all and start loving you again, or is she going to use it as a stick to beat you with every time you have an argument? I don't know either of you from a bar of soap, but I know which way I'd bet on that.

Here's another cause for concern:

... since I disclosed my "issue" last year she's become even worse if anything, if she really wants to hurt me she makes comments about me "looking for another woman... or man". As far as she is concerned my "issue" is Not To Be Spoken Of.

Aha! And here's the crux of the entire problem. That 'or man' bit of her jibe is very telling: she appears to be homophobic. And if you transition to a woman and remain married to her, then everyone else will perceive her as being a lesbian... and that thought is repulsive to her. Which could very well explain why she's reacting so viciously: she sees the entire scenario as an attack on her identity as a straight married woman and on her reputation within your community. Oh look, here's yet more evidence of the same:

I've tried to tell her but where my wants and needs are concerned she seems to have a kind of selective deafness... attempts are usually greeted with replies such as "I'm not a lesbian" or "do you know how much you've hurt me?"

"Do you know how much you've hurt me?" Because she doesn't want other people to perceive her as being something she despises, and she thinks you're forcing her into a situation she'll find intolerable. I don't know her, but I rather suspect that the foremost thing in her mind is probably: what will everyone say? What will people think of her? Will they mock & ridicule her for being married to a (you know which slur)? Will they subject her to the kind of venom & vitriol she reserves for the LGBT community? It's not about you... it's all about her. Sound familiar?

In her defence, it's also entirely possible that she's simply not attracted to women and she's worried that if you transition she'll no longer be attracted to you. And that is entirely legitimate & valid.

On a slightly different subject:

I'm reeling from some pretty personal comments made on another forum, pointing out my personality defects and basically accusing me of time wasting and attention seeking.

In my experience, anyone who tries to call you 'attention seeking' is basically somebody who likes to get all the attention themselves, and feels jealous when somebody comes along with a better, or more deserving, case. For that reason, you can confidently ignore anyone who ever accuses you of being 'attention seeking'.


In conclusion: I believe your wife is probably emotionally (and financially) abusing you. And a lot of abusers tend to ramp up the abuse if they get any hint that their partner is trying to leave them. It's a way of trying to maintain control over their partner: if you feel confident enough to leave, then she loses her 'cash cow', her comfortable life and her status in the community. So it's possible that she's trying to even further diminish your self-confidence to make it difficult for you to leave, so you can keep supporting her.

I notice you're in the UK (me too!) so I can assure you that courts in the UK don't routinely stop access or custody for parents just because we're trans. Your wife might want to you think they do - and I'm willing to bet the farm that she'll try to use your daughter as a weapon with which to manipulate you - but that's just another way of her trying to frighten you into not leaving (and not transitioning). I recommend you find an LGBT-friendly solicitor in your area and investigate your options - even if you decide not to take it anywhere. Because your wife might initiate proceedings at any time, and if she does it'll help you enormously to have your ducks in a row.

It is absolutely not guaranteed that your wife will get sole (or even any) custody, and who knows? your daughter may prefer to live with you anyway. At her age, if you were to divorce then the court will take her wishes into account when sorting out her custody arrangements. And there's an LGBT Centre in your local area: why not drop in for a chat? They may have some good advice from local people who've been through similar.

All is not lost. You can still be free. And you can still maintain a relationship with your daughter. She's at a great age if you choose to come out to her: if you wait until her teens she may become moody or resentful, so really the best time to come out to her is now. And that might knock some of the wind out of your wife's sails.

You deserve far better than this. We all do.

[BirlPower]

Hi BobwasCathy,

There is much wisdom in FTMDiaries post. I agree with all of it. You need to start thinking about yourself.

I came out to my wife first. That is a long story and not suitable for this thread other than to say, she was dead against me coming out to our daughters. We all live in the same house and I wanted to be free in my own home so I defied her and told them anyway. They instantly became my strongest allies. They are both completely cool with it. They have even ganged up on my wife (their mother!) berating her for her lack of acceptance of me. I had to knock that on the head. I realise my wife can't help how she feels and doesn't deserve to be bullied but I have to admit to a fair amount of joy over that particular incident. One of my daughters is very encouraging. She says things like "live the dream Dad." and when we go out she says "why are you changing?".

My point is that you never know how people are going to react. Allies can come from the least expected places. Having just one supportive ally has improved the quality of my life immeasurably. My wife has come a long way also. She helps me buy clothes and seems much more comfortable around me at home.

Your wife sounds like she will never accept you but your daughter will probably surprise you, especially if you have a close relationship to begin with. I was always able to talk with my girls about ANYTHING. They always get embarassed long before I do 

Finally, you mention your depression and how you feel it alienates people. That won't ever change unless you find a way to change your circumstances. I hope you can find a path to a better life. Not only for you but for those around you.

Wishing you only the best
Hugs

B

[Bob Wascathy]

My ex used to do the same to me, torturing me for around 2 weeks at a time with the same 'cold shoulder' behaviour, until eventually I'd capitulate and 'apologise' just so I could get a bit of affection again.

That's pretty much how it goes. I can't remember my wife ever admitting that she was wrong, or apologising... once she used her favourite line "if you're not happy <not permitted>" so I got out of bed and started getting dressed, she asked where I was going and I said "I'm <not Permitted>, that's obviously what you want" but she managed to persuade me (once again) that I'm the unreasonable one.

Is she going to accept you warts & all and start loving you again, or is she going to use it as a stick to beat you with every time you have an argument? I don't know either of you from a bar of soap, but I know which way I'd bet on that.

At first she said "nothing has really changed", and no, it hasn't. I thought it was a form of acceptance, but it was more a case of her saying "...AND IT'S NOT GOING TO NOW..."

That 'or man' bit of her jibe is very telling: she appears to be homophobic. And if you transition to a woman and remain married to her, then everyone else will perceive her as being a lesbian... and that thought is repulsive to her. Which could very well explain why she's reacting so viciously: she sees the entire scenario as an attack on her identity as a straight married woman and on her reputation within your community.

Funnily enough, she was made redundant 6 1/2 years ago, following which she became extremely close to a lesbian woman she used to work with. To the extent that I'd get home some days and find them sitting in the summerhouse giggling like a pair of schoolgirls... She didn't have a good word for this woman's partner, spoke about her like she was the offspring of the devil... and when they split up and her erstwhile friend decided to go back to her parents in Canada, she sulked for *days*. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt...

"Do you know how much you've hurt me?" Because she doesn't want other people to perceive her as being something she despises, and she thinks you're forcing her into a situation she'll find intolerable. I don't know her, but I rather suspect that the foremost thing in her mind is probably: what will everyone say? What will people think of her? Will they mock & ridicule her for being married to a (you know which slur)? Will they subject her to the kind of venom & vitriol she reserves for the LGBT community?

In the same way I used to try to be uber-male, wearing the scruffy jeans, beard, motorbikes... makes me wonder if she's trying to be uber-hetero. She's not the most feminine of people though... she lives in baggy jeans and I haven't seen her in a skirt since she was pregnant 11 years ago...

In conclusion: I believe your wife is probably emotionally (and financially) abusing you. And a lot of abusers tend to ramp up the abuse if they get any hint that their partner is trying to leave them. It's a way of trying to maintain control over their partner: if you feel confident enough to leave, then she loses her 'cash cow', her comfortable life and her status in the community. So it's possible that she's trying to even further diminish your self-confidence to make it difficult for you to leave, so you can keep supporting her.

Certainly my first wife tried that, she'd wind me up then in company she'd be all sweetness and light so as to make me appear to be the miserable one... ironically I believed that by leaving her for my current wife I was changing things... the words "frying pan" and "fire" spring to mind.

I notice you're in the UK (me too!) so I can assure you that courts in the UK don't routinely stop access or custody for parents just because we're trans. Your wife might want to you think they do - and I'm willing to bet the farm that she'll try to use your daughter as a weapon with which to manipulate you - but that's just another way of her trying to frighten you into not leaving (and not transitioning). I recommend you find an LGBT-friendly solicitor in your area and investigate your options - even if you decide not to take it anywhere.

I did actually speak to a solicitor a couple of years ago when things got particularly bad, unfortunately I wasn't encouraged... don't think it helped that the (lady) solicitor seemed to take her side, because my doing all the housework, washing, cooking etc. while holding down a full time job was only what a good husband ought to do without question anyway.

And there's an LGBT Centre in your local area: why not drop in for a chat? They may have some good advice from local people who've been through similar.

Unfortunately, as I've probably said elsewhere, it's not easy for me to get out due to her suspicion and lack of trust. People have suggested various support groups etc in the local area, and yes, it would be fine if I could get out to them, but... the trouble is, much of what she says is true, I don't tell her everything, I am secretive, I do keep things to myself... but equally I discovered the reaction when I do tell her stuff. And it wasn't a good one.


Mod Edit:Language

[Just Me Here]

Just use work as an excuse whenever you go out. Offer to let her pay the bills if she wants you to stay at home.

[FTMDiaries]

I think you're right about your wife taking a cruise down that big Egyptian river. It's a well-known fact that the biggest homophobes are closet cases themselves (it's not just a stereotype; there has been recent research which shows it to be true). And it would explain why she's so vicious towards you: she may well have homosexual tendencies but she Does Not Want to be perceived in that way. She was safe having that friendship (was that all it was?) with her lesbian friend several years ago, because she felt safe to indulge a part of herself whilst being perceived as a straight married woman. It's about her public face and her reputation, which she's probably willing to protect at all costs.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with a solicitor several years ago, but that was just the wrong solicitor for you. There are bound to be dozens of solicitors in your area, and some of them have experience with the LGBT community. That's key, because you'll need advice from someone who's au fait with family law and how it pertains to trans people, specifically when there are children involved. I daresay that other solicitor you tried wouldn't have a clue about that and would give you bad advice. Simply googling 'LGBT Solicitors Leicestershire' brings up 5 firms on the first page alone. So why not investigate some of those and give them a ring, or drop them an email? You're bound to get better advice than you did the last time you tried.

And here's the thing: whether or not you decide to transition, your marriage is in dire straits and if/when it eventually comes to the crunch, you can bet your bottom dollar (pound?) that she'll drag up the 'trans issue' in court as a way to weaken your position and get as much as she can out of you. So it's vital that you get your ducks in a row with the right kind of solicitor.

If you find it difficult to get out of the house, you can always ring or email people instead of visiting them. After all, you probably spend most of your day at work so there's your opportunity: if you drive to or from work, pull over at the side of the road somewhere and phone people on your mobile. Or find a quiet spot at lunchtime & do the same - or email them if that's easier. If you find a suitable solicitor and want to visit them, you could always book a half-day off work (or something) without telling the missus, keep to your usual time of leaving home in the morning & arriving back at night so she'll have no idea. If she checks your phone, get a separate (lockable) one that you keep at work. If she checks your emails, open a new Gmail account and don't tell her about it or give her any way of accessing it. There are ways and means of doing it.

It's not surprising you've been hiding things from your wife: if she keeps attacking you whenever you open up, then it's only natural for you to want to minimise the damage by keeping things to yourself. If she wants full openness and transparency within your marriage, she has to do her part to ensure it's safe for you to confide in her.

[Thessa]

OP, based on the information you shared, I was wondering if my wife has a twin sister.

Last year I got treated like I catch a contagious disease and then she cheated on me. I had similar fears that I will loose my family, especially my little daughter.

Now more then half a year later we are almost divorced, my daughter will stay most of the time with me, I'm out to a bunch of people - all of them supportive - and I'm slowly transitioning.

I'm so happy, beginning of this year, I would not have imagined that this would be possible.

I don't want to push you into any direct, I only want to show you that a lot is possible - things we would never expect in our fear filled world.

Regarding lawyers, the first lawyer I consulted was the big name in respect to LGBT rights and such. The appointment with him was very disappointing but with my second try I found a very nice lawyer in my region. She is really supportive and gave me hope in the initial phase of the separation from my wife, that we can make it.


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[Bob Wascathy]

I just seem to be incredibly unlucky in general, my experiences with solicitors, therapists, doctors have all been less than 100% positive. The first time I ever mentioned my gender issues to anyone was about 15 years ago when I spoke to my (then) GP. Who laughed at me. "But you're a 23 stone bloke with a beard!"

I'm looking at getting a "private" phone, I already get accused of deliberately locking my work phone (which automatically locks due to my employer's security policy) and to be honest I rarely use my personal mobile any more. It's just easier that way.

I've used the "booking day off work" trick a time or two, managed to get away with it then but still conscious of having to be careful. But if it comes to it, that's an option.

[Denni]

So many familiar situations that you have I have also had. Came out to my wife two and a half years ago with the same results that you experienced, so the subject was never discussed and we lived in a self induced truce. Then this summer I was accidentally outed by a phone call that my wife had taken. Just prior to that happening I had finally made the decision to come out to my PA and also seen a therapist that was  gender certified to try and get better control of my dysphoria. When confronted by my wife when getting home, I realized that this was the time and place to finally put everything to rest and let everything be known. The result was not what I expected to say the least, after she learned that I had seen a therapist and explained to her what gender dysphoria is and that it is something that we are born with not a fetish like many believe. That I did not want to leave her, that I loved her and that I wanted her to continue to be a part of my life it was if the wall that had built up between us no longer existed. Explained to her that many of my feelings of anger, bitterness, and lack of patience were all part of the dysphoria experience. Told her that I was seriously considering the start of HRT and many of those things would be eliminated or at least reduced by doing that. To my utter shock she was totally receptive to it. The things that were key for me was the fact that I had seen a dedicated therapist for gender dysphoria, that I had expressed my love for her and did not want to leave her. The other thing that was of relief to her was that I am starting on HRT only, and am not going to socially transition. I offer you this only in that they were helpful in our relationship going forward. I can only hope that they might be helpful for you. Another thing that you might find helpful for you, is start adding womens clothing to your wardrobe, there are many things that you can wear that will not out you but will make you feel better when you are wearing them. About half of my clothing is womens jeans, shorts, sweaters and tops that I can wear out and feel so much better about myself. Keep discussing things here, you have many like you here and we all have a open ear. Hugs

[Bob Wascathy]

So many familiar situations that you have I have also had. Came out to my wife two and a half years ago with the same results that you experienced, so the subject was never discussed and we lived in a self induced truce. Then this summer I was accidentally outed by a phone call that my wife had taken. Just prior to that happening I had finally made the decision to come out to my PA and also seen a therapist that was  gender certified to try and get better control of my dysphoria. When confronted by my wife when getting home, I realized that this was the time and place to finally put everything to rest and let everything be known. The result was not what I expected to say the least, after she learned that I had seen a therapist and explained to her what gender dysphoria is and that it is something that we are born with not a fetish like many believe. That I did not want to leave her, that I loved her and that I wanted her to continue to be a part of my life it was if the wall that had built up between us no longer existed. Explained to her that many of my feelings of anger, bitterness, and lack of patience were all part of the dysphoria experience. Told her that I was seriously considering the start of HRT and many of those things would be eliminated or at least reduced by doing that. To my utter shock she was totally receptive to it. The things that were key for me was the fact that I had seen a dedicated therapist for gender dysphoria, that I had expressed my love for her and did not want to leave her. The other thing that was of relief to her was that I am starting on HRT only, and am not going to socially transition. I offer you this only in that they were helpful in our relationship going forward. I can only hope that they might be helpful for you. Another thing that you might find helpful for you, is start adding womens clothing to your wardrobe, there are many things that you can wear that will not out you but will make you feel better when you are wearing them. About half of my clothing is womens jeans, shorts, sweaters and tops that I can wear out and feel so much better about myself. Keep discussing things here, you have many like you here and we all have a open ear. Hugs

It's unfortunate that my wife still seems to be in a state of denial. It has been suggested elsewhere that I should wear "female" undergarments under my "male" clothes to help suppress my "maleness", but I know what reaction that would garner were she to discover what I was doing. I won't go into detail having already received one slap on the wrist for language, suffice to say she has accused me of raiding her wardrobe for sexual purposes.

I suspect that my marriage may be in its death throes, my wife has made it abundantly clear that if I have any feelings for her then I will comply with her wishes and I don't know how much longer I can continue to bury my own feelings. I'm already consumed by self loathing, every time I see myself in the mirror I see someone I detest, I never get chance to explore or express myself, my mind is constantly racing and I sometimes worry that I'll do something I may regret later.

[Thessa]

What feelings can you have towards her if she is treating you like this? What feelings does she have towards you, how does she express them?

Hugs and all the strength you need!

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[Bob Wascathy]

What feelings can you have towards her if she is treating you like this? What feelings does she have towards you, how does she express them?

Hugs and all the strength you need!

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She claims to still love me... But the words are rarely borne out by the actions. She's quite happy for me to work a 10 hour day then come home and cook and clean while she's on EBay and Facebook. My feelings towards her? I don't know, it depends when you ask. I certainly don't feel loved... But she manages to blame that on me, if she felt loved she'd be more willing to reciprocate... So I try, but my best isn't good enough then I feel resentful. I'm confused, to be honest.

[Thessa]

I found a quote a few weeks ago and it was resonating with me. Someone posted that the moment he knew was, when a friend told him that: "I think you love her, you just don't like her."



I came to the same conclusion, with the difference that any remaining love was gone since her cheating.

Our values became so different, like work ethics, responsibility towards family, etc.

It looks like you have also very different values, based on what you wrote.

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[JoanneB]

My diagnosis - Stockholm Syndrome

If it is any consolation, I have the feeling from all that I have heard of your wife, (somewhat biased but it's all I got)  is:
A) She will not leave you anytime soon
B) She loves how things are for her, being set for life with a perfect patsy
C) Has some "Standing" among the community and her friends, so that anything that does not appear to be a textbook marriage, in their eyes, is to be avoided at all costs

The bigger question is how did you two ever hook up together to begin with? Was it her putting her hooks in after your first marriage? An attempt to restore "Normalcy" before those 'Certain feelings and Thoughts' started to bubble up too much if they didn't already?

You seem to be in search of a solution that will be perfect for all your problems. A solution that is not filled with unknowns, or tears. A solution that will not make your life any worse then it is now, IMO - if that is even possible.

So far I haven't seen one thing about her or the situation in general at home that brings you joy. Forget all the trans stuff, which right now is a lever both your wife and you are using to prevent any change; Why are you There?  Even during the worse, actually most frustrating, of times my wife and I may have had in the past, there were plenty of reasons we both had to work on 'The Us'. There seems to be no 'Us' in your marriage, only a 'Her'.

If you did indulge yourself a bit by wearing panties, what can she that is any worse then she is doing when you aren't? Think that you are a some sick pervert? Well, she already does. Call you one? Ditto.  Threaten to leave and drag that out in open court? She will drag that out anyway no matter if you wore them or not. A divorce case is only going to come about if you leave her. She sure is not going to mess up her perfect life.

Just for a moment think and consider how can she make your life any worse?  Then ask yourself why you are helping her to.

[Bob Wascathy]

I don't know any more. I lie awake at night wondering if there's a way out. All I know is, I stay for the sake of my 10yo daughter, it worries me what would happen if I weren't here. I've tried so many times to answer back, to stick up for myself, but something inside stops me, if only I knew what. I've been told several times I'm spineless, useless, a coward... probably I am.

I'm sorry if anyone thinks I'm wasting their time.

[Dena]

It's a very difficult decision to make and many of us took a long time to come to a decision. There are many reasons for not coming out and transitioning but people who are uncomfortable with it are welcome here. This board is not about forcing you one place or another but instead it's about helping you find happiness. What that means to you, only you can answer but we are here to help you find it.

[DawnOday]

I've been agonising for some time over posting this, in view of past experiences I don't know what to expect, but here goes anyway.

I'm 51, married with a 10yo daughter and 16yo stepson. My wife made it clear from an early stage in our relationship that she didn't trust me, consequently I rarely go out alone and have no real "physical" friends to speak of. I'd kept my feelings about my gender under wraps until last year, when at the prompting of a couple of people I told my wife that I had transgender leanings. To say she didn't take it well would be an understatement, we had 2 weeks of silence, accusations, recriminations, and ultimately it was made clear to me that my "issue" is Not To Be Spoken Of.

I have at various times joined (and subsequently left) any number of internet fora, I seem to have a knack of annoying people somehow... unfortunately whenever I open up to anyone about my problems the only suggestion anyone can come up with is "leave", but if I lost my daughter I would literally have nothing. I know I'm stupid for putting up with it (been told enough times) but I just have to keep going-I've always been the "cool" one, the one who has to be strong for everyone else, but I have nobody to lean on myself.

Then of course when I can't take the "advice" people offer me, they lose patience, stop communicating with me, my self loathing grows, and I become more and more desperate until I end up deleting everything in a fit of depression.

Sorry to have rambled on so, hope I've made some sort of sense.

Do you know if your mother was prescribed DES during gestation. If so you may have battling hormones. Des was banned in 1971. It was prescribed for miscarriages and stillbirths The problem did not solve the prescribed problem. Further DES Sons, depending on when the synthetic hormones were administrated  in the process.About wk 10. And the hormones were administered numerous times at 3000 - 4000 times the effective dose, As a result DES son bodies form by testosterone and the brain develops under the influence of estrogen. You may be arguing a point that is not your fault.  DESACTION.ORG   DES Sons.

[JoanneB]

I don't know any more. I lie awake at night wondering if there's a way out. All I know is, I stay for the sake of my 10yo daughter, it worries me what would happen if I weren't here. I've tried so many times to answer back, to stick up for myself, but something inside stops me, if only I knew what. I've been told several times I'm spineless, useless, a coward... probably I am.

I'm sorry if anyone thinks I'm wasting their time.

You just may be all those things. But we are judges of how we choose to spend our time not you.

I know the symptoms all too well. I Do Not Deserve..... Fill in what ever you want. ALL Shame and guilt speak. We grew up in a world, in a time when being ANYTHING other then John Wayne was.... a character flaw at best. Wanting to be Myrna Loy... Well don't even go there!

And... What makes you think that your 10 y/o daughter is at risk? The I am married to a sicko pervert thing?

My wife will gladly tell you what happens to children growing up in such a household as yours. It is not a pretty picture. How/Why she is as sane as she is I chalk up up to the "Wolves dropped you off at the door". TBH 10 y/o kids are far from innocent as what we were at that age. It is far too sad to contemplate. She already knows things are Far from right and have seen it so for almost as long as you have. Perhaps longer.

If you document what a psychologically abusive  bitch your wife is, 10 y/o kids are far more knowledgeable of the world then you suspect. Just why would your wife have primary custody? Because you are some perverted sicko? That is you talking. Shame, Guilt, Internalized transphobia. Some justified for sure. Most..... just demons that haunt us. Worse, demons that cripple us.

[EmilyMK03]

Putting aside the entire topic of transgender-related issues for a moment, you have what appears to be a very unhealthy, possibly emotionally abusive marriage.  You say that you are enduring this marriage for the sake of your daughter.  But I what to ask you: how is living in such a bad marriage a good thing for your 10 yr old daughter?

You should either get divorced, live separately, or make mutual, serious, concerted efforts to repair your marriage relationship.  Maybe that means going to couples counseling together.  Something needs to change in your marriage.  Living in misery and depression is not doing your daughter any favors.  You need to be happy and healthy in order to be the best parent you can be for your daughter!  She deserves the best version of you!! 

[Thessa]

Don't worry about wasting anyone's time. At least for me it is that I see a lot of similarities to my marriage and I try to help as far as I can. In the end it's only your decision what you will do or not do! I know how it feels to be in an household with wife and kids but still feel lonely. I'm sure that my daughter was also feeling lonely with her mother most of the time staring at her phone browsing Facebook and other things.

I know that my little girl is hurt by the separation of her parents but I know that staying together would have damage her more in the long run. My marriage was beyond repair but as others wrote, first try to fix your marriage - if it's possible - you need two people to see the issues and both need to have the will to make thing better again.

My first daughter is already nineteen so quit out of the picture (but still hurt and disappointed about her stepmothers behavior) my second daughter is ten years old and also very disappointed about her mother (she knows and see a lot more than I did at her age). As Joanne and Emily mentioned your daughter will also see more than you think and make up her own mind.

My daughter expressed her will to stay with me a couple of month ago (my wife and I talked about 50/50 in the beginning) which I never would have imagined that this would happen. I'm a much better parent (still a lot room for improvement) but now that I have the burden of my wife from my shoulders (sorry to express it that way, but this is how it feels like) I can grow in so many aspects of my life and enrich the life of others around me.

I hope that this makes sense in some way.

Btw: I'm currently on vacation with with daughter and it is so much fun to sit in the evening and doing our nails together.
If someone would have told me this one year ago I would have never believed.

Believe in yourself and your relationship to your daughter!

Take care,
Thessa


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[WarGrowlmon1990]

You're not wasting anybody's time here. I'm in a similar situation. My partner's emotionally abusive too, but it took me a long time to figure it out. Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster but for the first time I started sticking up for myself. I'm not sure if you have social anxiety like me, but that causes me to think everyone's going to judge me and that I'm a burden that wastes everyone's time. Social anxiety can be paralyzing and cause you to back down and keep everything to yourself -- which can make everything so much worse. I don't have much advice to give but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm sorry you had to deal with other people putting you down when you were reaching out for help.