Mind,
I too am old enough to be your parent. Hope that doesn't make me seem either bossy or like I know what you have to do. I can only encourage and suggest based on my experience and what I have witnessed(still does not make it an empirical truth).
I can honestly say that I felt most of what you described in the past year and a half. I did not have the words and pushed things off till I was 50. Pretty deeply in denial for all those years, assuming I was a pervert and if I just believed and asked God for help, I would be cured of it. I hit one of those rock bottoms you may have read or heard about from our community. Now, even though I sometimes think I am too old, married for 25 years (and it's not fair to her), a father of three teens(not fair to them), I can never pass and really be accepted, I have lasted this long without doing anything.... all excuses. I am slowly working with a therapist, elcectrologist, endocrinologist(maybe a few other ists, I'm not sure). I don't have all the answers but I am progressing. I am scared and at moments embarrassed but I am moving forward. I don't want to lose my relationships but I am communicating.
I am not saying we are the same. I am not saying you have to follow my lead. I am giving you background so you understand why I am reacting to what you have written.
Ashley is right about so many things in her post. Nope, you will never be a cis woman. Yes, you will continue to have doubts through every step, they will be there(no matter how far you choose to take your journey). I too found that no matter how denied and buried the feelings and impulses are, they come back and never leave(sometimes feels like they get stronger each time).
It seems to be common that if we are busy, we lose some of the dysphoria. That is often our advice to members suffering and asking advice(if you are at a point you can't go faster and have to wait, keep busy, get a hobby, find creative outlets). I had lost many of my symptoms when my kids were young. I was too busy with them and work to notice much else. However, once I got some more free time, BOOM. There it was.
I too would highly suggest working with a gender therapist. Embarrassment is not terribly damaging to the body. They can help sort through all these polar feelings you seem to be experiencing. They can help guide you. Once you get to them you can think about HRT. In low dosages, many find an answer. Yes, I feel calmer, clearer, more sane, at ease, able to sleep.... the list for people goes on and on. Some see HRT in low dosages as kind of a diagnostic. If it helps in some way you may be headed in the right direction. If you start and want to stop after 2-3 months, there are very few side effects that will be permanent(perhaps none).
The fear of not being a "real woman" grips all of us at some point(my speculation-maybe more like most of us). We all fear getting seen in a way others won't accept. We all want to be as attractive as we can. I can say that right now I am not out at work. I hate the way I look right now. It is not just the in between phase of HRT. I hate the old strange man I see in the mirror. When presenting, I am not thrilled but she is not too bad. I can honestly say (and my wife has noted this) that my mood, and approach to life has improved so much. The only regret I really have now is that I did not seek help so many years ago. Decades passed so quickly and I just assumed everyone was depressed and faking their way through life...There are a decade or two that I know took place but I can't say I did anything but live through the day. Now I try to enjoy,even on bad days, we all get them.
So from one mind of madness to another, try to find out where you should be going. A therapist's job is just that.
I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:
Things that you should read
Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in. Sorry how long this response was.
With warmth,
Joanna
