Have a fab time in Morocco, it's amazing.
I understand I think, and I agree with the other replies.
I feel best when things are under my control. I see this as distinct from being controlling, because I'm quite laid back by nature, and the things I'm looking for control over (bits of myself) are hardly the hallmark of someone with control issues. It is and nearly always is dysphoria. Right down to having to have androgynous hair - before, on holiday, hair ruined from heat and humidity and chlorine, I've spent the morning looking for salons to have a blow dry in rather than taking up my friends offer of a cap to stick on.
I had a terrible couple of moments on a holiday just last month, with 'a friend'. A friend who is 'in the loop' so to speak, and knows all. She said there was a new 'it' in her office, and I asked what she meant. She meant that there is a new non binary colleague, who she went on to describe as therefore having a delusional mental illness. I should've said something then, but I couldn't be bothered with the big debate, and I was going out anyway.
I went out, and when I got back I was with a friend who lives over here. We walked through the door of where me and her were staying, and she said to whoever she was on the phone to, "I'll have to go, the men are home". I just froze in horror. Considering it had been done twice in one day, she acted as if it was all normal, my sudden discomfort was for her amusement and part of our regular 'banter'.
And that the final three days we had left, I was just acting strangely and not being very friendly. No! It's because you've kicked off a major dysphoria - deliberately. That is why I insisted we would check in separately - so we didn't get sat next to each other on the flight - because I couldn't take any more!
Worked out better in more ways than one - as well as different seats, I got a free upgrade. About half an hour in, she came through the curtain to try to speak to me in my fully extended bed, and was ushered out of club class by an air hostess. I had to get a champagne top up to stop laughing. Very well deserved. Symbolic I might say.
It's very sad, but I think that friendship is over. Knowing her, she'll tell everyone it's because I'm not the kind of person you can easily holiday with. She slated everybody else we know, and a long list of others I don't know and don't care to, so I know how she presents these things.
