I am supposed to be happy, right?

[Nora Kayte]

Thing seem to be going better than expected. Since Wednesday I am back on HRT. ( injectible E, P and spiro. )

So what happened is that almost 2 years ago my therapist and I and and with the ok from my wife thought it would be beneficial to start HRT to help with my dysphoria. It was just bad timing and I freaked out. Quit everything and pushed everything back deep down where I thought it would never surface again. Of course my wife believed it was gone or was just a phase, even though she was told it was not. And I did tell her there was a high possibility it would come back. I knew it would come back just not when.

So a few moths ago it started creeping back. I started getting my nails done again. My wife made her comments. Etc... Then she was ok with that. Then she noticed I had been going through my "girl clothes again. Again the comment and ok again. Then wearing a few things around the house. Of course the comments again. Arg!  About that time I was thinking I did not want to wake up. And suicide was in my mind. Every day all day. And feeling bad when I when I would wake up and realize I have to go thru this again.

So I started seeing my therapist again and of course we came to the same conclusion and as such said before I am on HRT again. 1 thing is I was dreading the comments so I did not tell my wife and actually started them the same day I told her. So she thinks I have not started yet. But when I told her she said "that sounds like a good plan babe". Go figure. But that night she did say. She wants it to be low low low dose. Lol. What ever that means. Right now I am sure it's low. Be use starting is lower until you see what is best for you. But I do not plan to be on low dose. Once my Doc and I figure out the dose she is putting me on pellets once I've Been on HRT for 5 or 6 months. Ya I know I should have told her sooner but was not expecting the good result. And today I was wearing a skort and a tank top and she says I look cute. So ya.

So since starting HRT I have had ups and downs. But mosty ups. The dysphoria is way better and once I start hair removal it will really get better. That is one of my main triggers. There are some days when I don't want to be trans and there are some where I would have every surgery possible to transition. But I feel I am to old and have too many medical problems to completely transition. Plus I do not want to lose my wife. As she has stated she is straight and etc.... She means a lot to me. More than anything. Plus being on disability I actually would not have the quality of life I do if we break up. I guess I am just waiting to see what happens when the physical changes start happening.

So I feel better. The dysphoria is better.  But happy? Just not sure I am there yet. Mostly I am just talking. I have to get this out or I will lose it. And the therapist is different. I really don't have anybody to just vent to. Just to listen. Maybe one day. Thanks for listening.

[SadieBlake]

Immediately on starting hrt I felt great relief and as they began to work I felt progressively happier.

Until.

At 2-3 months in I was already decided that my experiment with hrt resulted in a strong affirmative: I need to stay on this and I probably want GCS.

That brought dysphoria back more or less full force:

I now needed go through the steps toward surgery and on a schedule that makes more sense to complete sooner than later.

I'm closer but not there and still reconciling wish to pass with practical realities

a bunch of regular life stresses came along poorly timed

My gf is far from fully on board with this plan, same for my older daughter


As my ducks fall into row I still prefer to transition and at the same time I'm allowing myself the possibility I can't make it work financially, I may still elect to stop at hrt, and feel better than I did before.

So on balance yes I am happier, I'm also taking on a lot and there's a long way to go.