Full of Fear

[WhisperingEarth]

Sitting here wondering where to start...I guess this would be a continuation of my introduction. So far I have come out to no one. I think the GF may suspect given that we met on an online game in which I had a transgender character; but I denied it so much I'm not sure. So far I haven't come out to anyone due to fear of rejection or being outcast and having no where to turn. Currently 27 and still trying to figure out my life so I guess in a way I didn't want to complicate it too much by coming out. I guess I'm hoping to hear some ideas from others on how to deal with this as I'm tired of hiding it and staying in the shadows with it.

[Dena]

Consider it high stakes poker. You are all in or you aren't. If you aren't, you get to keep what you have. If you are all in, you might win big. I felt there was a very big risk of losing my family and my life but I didn't see another option. My mother didn't understand for a long time and though I could be fixed so I didn't receive a strong reaction one way or the other. If you come out, it will complicate your life a great deal but in other ways, it will make your life simpler. The decision is up to you but I suggest you do it one person at a time starting with the person closest to you.

[becky.rw]

Something on balancing risks..

As you age, the complexity rises, and the payoff falls.

When you are young, you are also betting larger portions of your professional career.

So, say I successfully transitioned, all in.   Regardless of losses, my home, retirement, cars, whatever, are not at risk.    But, I will also never dance beautifully; the joints are old, whether there is fur on my chest or not; they can not support a smooth, graceful dance.

[deanna7506]

What the others said is true. You can have what you want, but loose what you have.  The only thing I can add is that if you get serious with a SO, tell them before you get married. 

Best wishes

Deanna

[kittenpower]

I think that early on it is probably best to only come out to those who need to know, such as a significant other, especially if you are planning to start HRT. Transition is a difficult process for most of us, so try to keep it as uncomplicated as possible, and trust me, if you come out to everyone too early, things can become very complicated.

[WhisperingEarth]

Thank you all for the advice. I guess the main thing that was and still is holding me back is I want to keep everything while going through the changes, in a way from what I'm hearing at times that is not a possibility and trying to search for some way to try and keep everyone happy. I guess now I just see that my happiness will come first and whatever may be will be. Again I want to thank you all for the advice !

[mszoey]

At the end of the day you need to take care of number 1. And if they truly love you they will understand. For me I basically told my family would you rather have a son in a box or a daughter that is alive. It kinda puts it into perspective. I lost a lot when I came out my wife left (we are still friends but still very hard cause I do still love her very much) with her went my son then I had to sell my house and move in with my parents which in the end was actually amazing cause my mom and I are closer then ever now. As the saying goes "those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter" be you Hun it will be the best thing you ever did


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[JoanneB]

The only person you really need to come out is yourself, and you are starting that process. Knowing you trans is simple. Sorting out where in the spectrum you are living today is far harder. There are entire universes in there.

When I knew after some 40 years of fighting it, that I needed to something for real real about being trans I had a well entrenched male life. I have a good career and a job where I cannot believe I get paid to have doing. As I soul-searched I realized that Gender ID is just a portion of the totality that makes me Me.

No way could I risk putting all the other aspects of me at risk for the wants or desires of just one. While I felt I was a lifeless, soulless 'Thing', I still had some joy in my life. Changing my gender presentation was not going to make my life any better. Likely far far worse. I may have wanted to, I sure did not need to, most days.

What I came to conclude was that I needed to figure out how to make these two, seemingly disparate, aspects of myself to live in harmony. Hopefully inside one healthy and far happier person. I tried Diversions, Distractions, and some Denial for 40 years. Trying to beat Joanne down, trying to keep her locked away, hopefully forgotten, was a lost cause.

It took this slow learner a good 5 years to grow enough to be able to say, I am just about there. Both aspects of my are integrated into a now learning what it is like to me Me. My therapist once asked me "What would be different if Joanne showed up to work tomorrow?" I instantly answered "Besides the dress, nothing".

I still want to fully transition. I still have life circumstances that lead me to continue presenting primarily as male. Most days, almost all now, I don't feel like I need to fully transition. For now, my life is mostly working. I doubt anyone has a perfect life. Even a change of presentation will not make my life any better. Many to all of the challenges will remain (assuming my wife stays and I don't eventually get fired)

I figured out how to have my cake, and nibble on it. It can be done if I could eventually figure out how