afab with lots of gender questions >.>

[bad-will-hunting]

<prepare for an essay>
(warning -- ahead's a fair bit of internalized misogyny and cissexism. I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling without including them, so sorry.)

So my parents recently found out I identify as trans through a roundabout story I don't feel like telling. They're not mad but have told almost everyone we know, forcing me to confront my own problems with gender. School starts next week, and I need to make decisions about bathrooms, names, and the lot.
My family (not knowing about non binary identities) assumed that I'm ftm, which is what I'm going with. That said...
I don't feel like I can be a man or a woman.
I wish for masculinity but often feel repulsed by it. I hate how so many cis men treat other people, for starters.
I wish for masculinity but wonder if I would be equally uncomfortable masculine as feminine and if the grass just currently looks greener.
I wish for masculinity but worry it's simply because I want the power and prestige that comes with being masculine and not because I truly want it.
I dislike being feminine because I hate feeling weak*.
I dislike having a monthly visitor, boobs, and the looming threat of pregnancy / being the primary caregiver.
I dislike being objectified and looked down upon for being feminine.
*semi ironically (and perhaps irrelevantly) I'm submissive af. I suppose the difference is being submissive to a partner is by choice, whereas being physically and emotionally weak was thrust upon me.
That said, the prospect of being non binary isn't my favorite. I can cope with the dangers of being visibly trans and the difficulties couples with it. However (and I am almost certain this is the internalized cissexism speaking) I want to fit into a box. I don't want to open the Pandora's box of wandering outside the gender binary. Maybe I am a coward.

So, for the questions:
How many of my issues are the aforementioned internalized cissexism and misogyny, and can those be solved?
Where do I go from here? How do I continue exploring my gender in a way that may eventually yield an answer?


Thank you wonderful people so much. <3

[Jacqueline]

bad-will-hunting,

It looks like you are flailing about looking for answers but spinning so fast you might not be able to see one if it were there. That is not an insult. Perhaps I am pushing how I felt when I was coming to terms onto you. My apologies if that is the case.

It is very confusing and takes a bit of working through. Anyone who has read my posts can quote or sing along with my next line. Are you in therapy? It can be so helpful to be able to have an objective perspective as well as someone to bounce ideas off and who sees when you might need a little tea, sympathy or a kick. I can't really answer other's questions. I have too many of my own that still are not nailed down. However, getting a good therapist is the one thing I say will help people the most.-by the way not all clients fit therapists- it's kind of like dating- keep looking till you find one that you work with.

I am on the other side of the sandbox from you as far as what I wish and dislike. That's okay, we're all in the same family or boat if you don't like mixing metaphors(I am a sound designer so I love mixing). I am sure many others will come along and give you suggestions. If you want to, you can feel free to reach out to me but that is up to you.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Elis]

Every ftm person has gone through what you're going through and it will take many years to go through it. What helped was reminding myself I have never felt female or liked being referred as such; as well as cis people pretty much never question their assigned gender. It took me 3 years to come out. Which was filled with depression and crippling gender dysphoria. I started off thinking I was genderqueer because what were the chances I was a trans man. Then accepted the latter. I cut my hair short and wore masculine clothes and a binder which helped a lot in accepting myself. I came out and realised I was burying my nb side, I started T and felt a lot better and then realised I never did feel 100% male.  I'm still not comfortable with that but I can't ignore it any longer.

So I don't want to put you off; but be ready for years on introspection, doubts and internalised misogyny as well as misandry. Plus trying different labels to see what suits you. Maybe try general therapy first if you're not ready to see a gender therapist. It might be a good idea to take your parents to a trans group as well so they can meet some binary and nb people. (It's important to remember being trans is different for every trans person; some have crippling dysphoria some just have a bit; some want surgeries some don't; some want hormones and some don't)

So well done on starting down the road; the next few years will be tough but so worth it