I wish she'd stop ... family issues

[WorkingOnThomas]

It is done. I started T. I wish my mom would stop with the "I wish you had thought it over", "I wish you had tried living as a woman", "think what you're doing to your father and me", "we created you".

It is the same effluent (as I am denied the use of my preferred word) over and over. And now she's started a new tactic: ending each message with "I love you". My mother *never* told me she loved me when I was a kid. The first (and prior to this year) last time she told me that, I think I was about 20. I know she did love me, but this new found willingness to say it, while initially quite nice, is now starting to feel like an attempt to guilt trip me. I don't like it.

And I am growing quite tired of her attempts to imply that I have not thought this through, or that I hadn't tried everything else. I've been struggling since I was a teenager to deal with this. I've tried everything within reason: pray the gay away, Christian "counselling" (pardon me if I appear disillusioned), different flavours of psychotherapy, various types of medication, self-harm, female hormones ... before finally just drinking myself into a stupor in my free time. That she did not know is due to a combination of things - the breakdown in our communications (the fault of us both), my unwillingness to talk about it with anyone, not just her, and the fact that I left home at 16 and have done no more than visit since. So she didn't see it. That doesn't mean it wasn't happening. And how much longer should I think about it? I'm 37. I worry that I may have waited too long already.

As to the "we created you" argument ... I have bit back the natural response to this several times now, but if she doesn't quit, I'm afraid that I will not be able to stop myself from casting it into her teeth. And that would be to the detriment of all.

Thomas

[Elis]

Sorry you're going through this. My dad who I still live with wasn't very accepting. Saying maybe I should try being simply a lesbian etc. He still won't talk about my transition; I don't bring it up but the changes are pretty apparent now. I had to send him a text a few months after coming out saying how hurtful gim misgendering me was. I hate being an emotional person but needing doing. Now he very rarely does it. Maybe you could do the same thing?

CBT has also helped me realise in dealing with my dad being emotionally abusive. I still don't believe it's nit my fault but its getting there. You could try that. Maybe simply stop talking ti her and see what happens.

[Kylo]

It is possible in time that they will see you becoming male and accept it or at the least learn to live with it. At this point they're probably full of fear and think you'll live the life of an outcast or something. I've met the same pessimistic view from people who say they are concerned but obviously don't understand that I'm already a veteran outcast and bystander in my own life and that everything else has already been tried. Maybe time will tell.

[FTMax]

Google "raisedbynarcissists" and you will find a lot of stories like this, and good advice on how to deal.

My solution for it was to have no contact with those family members, but I recognize that that isn't possible or desirable for many people.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Wait, you mom wanted you to try living as a woman? Haven't you tried that for 20 years now? The reality train has left the station and your mom missed it.

[JoanneB]

Wait, you mom wanted you to try living as a woman? Haven't you tried that for 20 years now? The reality train has left the station and your mom missed it.

Love it!

As much as my wife is "supportive" she still mourns the loss of her husband. I know what I am doing is hurting her. The guilt I feel is well earned. She is thankful that the odds of finding me "Hanging on the end of a rope in garage" are almost nil.

I suspect the "We Created You" argument is her sense of failure, shame and guilt. As much as none of don't want to be trans, like how many parents want a trans kid? How did I mess up to do this?  I know my dad was none too thrilled about his son wanting to wear skirts. What you are doing reinforces her sense of failure at being a good mom and... egg donor

Since no one really knows the Who, What, Where or Why's of TG, the "I created you" argument cuts both ways. By most accounts being TG is an early fetal development thing. HELLO... Who was in in charge then?  But do you want to rub salt into a wound?

As with my wife, I suspect the best prospect for peace with your mom lies in her seeing how much better of a person you are growing into now that you can grow into the person who is the real you and not the you others expect you to be. BTW - It took a number of years of my wife to come around to it

[alex82]

Nobody was 'in charge'. You know as well as anyone that you don't decide to release certain levels of hormone, if indeed that is the cause.

I find the 'egg donor' tag really horrible. No, nobody would dream of their child growing up to struggle with this, and why should they? And then be so cruelly dismissed as some kind of 'egg donor' who is at fault. There is no fault to take responsibility for. Compassion cuts two ways.

Questioning whether someone you care about is deeply sure of something does not equal narcissism. There's no narcissistic supply on offer from that. As Thomas said, there is fault in the breakdown of communication on both sides, and lashing out in anger would be to the detriment of both sides.

It would be somewhat narcissistic to say to a parent of a child in difficulty that they were just a donor who should now be cut off if they can't get over it within another persons timeframe. That's not approaching an equal respectful relationship, that's a manipulative and selfish ultimatum. I don't think anybody would say that to the parent of a child in any other kind of difficulty. Transgender children aren't the only people with a right to their feelings.

It's an upsetting aspect, with no easy way through or round it. I hope Thomas and his mother can reach a peace together where both of them find contentment. That won't be achieved by slicing each other out of life, or as he said, by lashing out.

[ButterflyMelissa]

Hi there,
Same thing here. I notice the family "crumbling" away on me. But...let's turn things around for a sec. I'm *blush* 52, started chemically (pills n patches) some 5 months ago. Dad...(go figure) hates it. But...HE was in the Flowepower generation, the Woodstock bunch - that turned the Woodstock place in a dump. Snorting anything that even resembled ground up chalk, going from the one LSD party to the next, boozing and smoking like there's no tomorrow. And now that they had their fill...WE (the kids) have to "decent up"?? No,Thomas, you ARE Thomas. Period.
And the "we created you" thing, please....they had 15 minutes of rolling in the hay. There was no magic, no profound thought, no celestial atmosphere...just a roll in the hay...
They want a "mini-me"? Sure, google for a service, there's some of these out there, in the mean time...you're not meant to be a "mini me", you're meant to be you.
Remember, you only get one shot at this. Reincarnation yet has to be proven
Be you...just...you
Melissa

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Questioning whether someone you care about is deeply sure of something does not equal narcissism. There's no narcissistic supply on offer from that. As Thomas said, there is fault in the breakdown of communication on both sides, and lashing out in anger would be to the detriment of both sides.

I beg to differ. Going back to the OP, Thomas' mom may not have narcissistic personality disorder, but she is rolling in the narcissism at this point in time. It seems to be a common theme with parents to emotionally regress when faced with a transgender child who "stubbornly" refuses to laugh off the transness as a phase and return to the imagined true, correct cis self.

All Thomas' mom seems to have on her mind when she opens her mouth is how Thomas transliness affects me, me, me. This is very hurtful to Thomas, just as it would be hurtful to you if your parent did that to you.

[WorkingOnThomas]

All Thomas' mom seems to have on her mind when she opens her mouth is how Thomas transliness affects me, me, me. This is very hurtful to Thomas, just as it would be hurtful to you if your parent did that to you.

I don't know that she is a narcissist, but her recent complaint of "but what am I going to tell people" certainly seems to indicate that a large portion of her concerns are centred on herself. Although I understand that this could prove awkward for her, I don't feel like my decision to transition is/should be subject to the comfortableness of her friends or acquaintances.

Anyhow, I have finally obtained a promise from her that she will talk to a therapist (namely, mine). However, things she has said lead me to believe that really all she wants to do is yell at someone that she considers to be blameworthy. Oh well. Doing my best.

[WorkingOnThomas]

Wait, you mom wanted you to try living as a woman? Haven't you tried that for 20 years now? The reality train has left the station and your mom missed it.

Indeed.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

To be clear, I don't think your mother is a narcissist either. Narcissism is the name of a personality disorder but it is also a character trait that we can all evince, for example, if we feel victimized somehow. That's why I keep talking about regression. It is a very childish attitude for an adult to feel put upon by their own adult child's coming out. Unfortunately, a lot of people go there. Hopefully, your mother doesn't stay there.

[jentay1367]

Give her time Thomas. She has a huge investment in you being who she thought you were. Once she see's who you really are, living the life you want and being happy, I'll bet she'll come around. This path we've chosen isn't easy on us. It's hard on those who love us too. We need to remember that sometimes, and it's especially hard when were so wrapped up in our transitions. This damned path is rocky. As it's been said, transitioning is a hell of a thing.

[KimSails]

I think you're a good son to be as patient with your mom as you have. The "we created you" and "what will we tell the neighbors" arguments would really bug me.  You might remind her, if you haven't already, that you being transgender is not a result of a failed upbringing.  And that having a transgender son is nothing for her to be ashamed about.  She should be happy that you are happy. And proud that her son has the courage to be his authentic self in a world that discourages that. I agree with jentay, though, that continuing to give her some time would be a good thing. 

[Black13]

I feel ya.  When you drop the bomb, it's the people closest who take the most damage.  They feel as though they put so much time and effort into you that when you say you're trans, they feel like you're spitting in their hand.  Obviously, this isn't reasonable:  "we put so much effort into you, you owe us!"  Imagine if they used that argument on a blind person.  You didn't ask to be trans any more than they did, you just accepted your truth and are acting on it.  You should be praised for taking a leap of faith, but in the real world, people are vicarious.
I lost a lot of my family when I came out.  It was honestly not as painful as I thought, though I am pretty angry with a few of them.  Mostly it just confirmed what I always suspected in my family and solidified the reasons as to why it has been so hard for me to understand and come out about it.  People put their failed hopes and dreams into you and when you refuse to live up to them, they have to face their failure.  But they've never had to do that, they've had you their whole life to put it off onto, and they're certainly not going to own their inadequacies now.
This is my mother.  After eight months of trying to get her to understand, she demanded that I apologize to her and her husband and tried to dictate how I speak (literally, the range of pitch I was allowed to speak in), what to wear around her, and what subjects to discuss.  Oh, but she loves me!  When love is that conditional, leave it behind.  So, I cut her out of my life and consequently, most of my family cut me out of theirs.  It sucks when you realize just how frail of a bond family actually is, but I'm honestly happy that I am seeing the lie now.  I know who my friends are.
I'm not saying cut your family off, but I am saying stick to your guns no matter what.  You are in control of you and your body and your decisions.  The bad people in your life try to sell you what you desire for an ugly price, the good people will give it to you for free.  You have done no wrong, so you owe your family nothing.