Late realizers question

[Gertrude]

Realized I was different at 4, but didn't put the trans label on it for almost 50 years. Knew I was different and lots of shame with the label of ->-bleeped-<- or cross dresser and had to hide it. I thought love would cure it, but I was wrong. Once I admitted what I was, I felt better, then the dysphoria got worse. The flood gates started to open and there was no way to undo it. Being in my 50s and contemplating living authenticity has brought on a new set of problems with integrating in my life. I'm married now with 5 kids ages 11-21 and it's a lot to balance at times. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I wish society would realize that we're born this way. No one would choose this.


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[NordicSofia]

Many of us share quite similar stories.

In my life there has been these elements too: feelings of being an outsider, crossdressing, not being/feeling masculine, then trying to be masculine (very short hair, goatee, bodybuilding type of training, acting and dressing "manly"), drinking, gloominess, you name it.

For years or decades I couldn't connect those seemingly separate strings that were running through my my life, I just wondered why I'm so different, and tried to explain things to myself. For example explain that I feel loneliness and I drink, because I'm shy and kind of bohemian personality, and I crossdress because I have that kind of unfortunate condition etc.

I'm nearly 40 now, and for last 2-3 years I have been getting all these pieces together and have been learning about dysphoria and trans issues. Now things have finally made some sense to me.

[DawnOday]

This is to those who only came to the conclusion they were trans later in life.

What signs (if any) did you miss or ignore?

Was there ever a period completely free of dysphoria? As in, you felt it, but didn't understand it?

Thank you,

Trying to compare experiences

I have been on my quest for only 5 months and am now on estradiol. I knew I was different early on like playing with the girls at five and asking Mom to put me in my sisters costumes. By twelve I dressed whenever I was alone, but back in those days information was either hard to come by or non existent. In our younger days we had only a hand full of pioneers. As I look through the content on Susan's I see young people making decisions at a time when the transition would be more rewarding looks wise.  But I got to give the kids props for following their hearts. Now if we can only stop the suicides and find their worth to society. And we need them. They will be future leaders if our country evolves out of the stone age. It was not until I went to therapy in April that I discovered I was transgender and not just a crossdresser. I discovered My secret destroyed my first marriage. Finally resolved after 37 years. I decided it was time to acknowledge what I have known all my life and did something about it.
By the way I do not have a female bone in my body but my brain is all messed up. A year from now I still won't have any female bones but my brain will be set straight.

[Brenda3156]

Was there a time without dysphoria? Yes, most of my life I had very little dysphoria. As I got older it got worse. Just little things though. I was always able to cope with it without a problem. I finally just put some of my life experiences together and realized I would be happier if I was more feminine. I always cross dressed and it just got to the point where it wasn't enough. You could say a light bulb went off and I knew which direction to go. I discussed it with my wife and she was very supportive.

[Phlox1]

What signs did I miss or ignore?

I missed all signs and dismissed those that I now realize were signs as just being perverted and/or different.  I could cut and paste many of the above posts and include them here and it would describe me perfectly.

My signs were there in my early childhood but not obvious during my teen years and then they began to come back in my 20's.  They took a brief vacation when I was occupied with my new young family, but then the signs started coming back.

I tried very hard to justify some of my signs and symptoms.  For example, I began wearing pantyhose and women's underwear because they fit me so well and felt so good.  I thought that most men were really stupid for not discovering pantyhose and figured at any time they would discover how great they were and I was just a trendsetter.  Even though I really dislike cold weather, I used to welcome its arrival so I could get back into wearing them for warmth and comfort.  Of course I wore other women's clothing as well and I tried to justify that as well, such has how the fabric was softer and more comfortable and how women's shoes fit my feet better than men's shoes.  The list could go on and on.

I did not have the slightest idea that I might be trans until I read about a man whose experiences matched mine exactly.  I felt I needed to talk to a therapist and confirm that I really was okay and what I did was quite normal.  That is what I expected her to say.  When she told me I was trans I could not believe it and I denied it for several years knowing that she had made a mistake in her diagnosis.  I've had quite a few sessions with my therapist in the past few years and she has pointed out many of the signs that I had dismissed.  Coming from a conservative family I've been slow to be honest with myself and admit that I am transgender, but that is indeed the case.

I've been on HRT going on 5 months and feel so much better since I began.

[mikeffd]

Thanks for the feedback.

My own situation sounds like the previous replies in most ways. For most of my adult life, I was very comfortable and connected with my body. I genuinely liked looking at myself in the mirror when my muscles were engorged after a workout. Quite the narcissist, eh? During these stretches - that lasted years - I never really thought about gender at all. I had even read a book on the subject, without it triggering anything.

The trans stuff has always emerged from my issues with homosexuality. As a kid, I guess I was different, but I never contemplated gender. It was also after the age of 15, when I realized I was attracted to boys did gender enter my mind. I had some fantasies about being women with men, cross dressed a couple times, posed as female online. Still, I don't recall feeling any dysphoria or longing to change back then.

I've had a couple of other breakdowns, where I worry I'm trans. It's part of my obsessive, neurotic streak.

The dominant struggle of my entire life has been sexuality.