Mom's been really stressed with having to take care of my extremely difficult nephew the past few days at our house. He's only two, but he's a disobedient monster in every sense of the word in his worst moments. Since he's stayed here since Sunday, Mom has been sleep deprived, frustrated, and it's getting harder to draw the line between what she means, and what she's just saying out of anger and lack of sleep when she says things like, "I swear, it's like living in a MENTAL institution here!" "This family, I swear!" "I only exist to serve feces to all of you!"
And this isn't an isolated incident. Whenever my sister has to leave my nephew in Mom's care, mom's limit for his hyperactive behavior is a single overnight stay. Any longer and she REALLY can't deal with any of us in the house. She is THAT mentally, emotionally and physically strained to her breaking point. Whatever small annoyance any one of us does in her presence, she'll mutter under her breath, "This <Not Permitted> family".
When she told me a couple weeks ago she would like my gender therapist to do a discussion with the whole family present about my transition to make sure everyone is on the same page, I protested, expressing my extreme hatred of group therapy (i hate feeling vulnerable at the center of attention and the risk of crying in front of everyone would be high, VERY high). I told her, "I would HATE that." to which she responded, "Well, I hate a lot of things, too!" and then added (i'm still questioning if she actually meant saying this), "like my life!" I ALMOST said, "that makes two of us..." back to her. But then I would have to hear her saying that I should be lucky I have a home and food and a family that loves me and accepts me unlike her own family growing up.
When these explosions of emotions and harsh words erupt from pressure, it makes me question anything nice that was ever said to me or anyone. I have no clue if it's just self-pity talking, or whatever.
Once, I overheard Mom say under her breath after a really ugly meltdown, "Everyone in this house is a piece of feces"... You can understand my extreme upset after hearing this comment, so later when I was sobbing in the living room, calling her out on it, she INSISTED that I had heard her wrong. She was absolutely defiant saying, "I said everyone in this house TREATS ME like a piece of feces."
I know what I heard... It wasn't that.
So I've been questioning a lot of things being said. Is anyone ACTUALLY proud? Does anyone ACTUALLY care? Am I REALLY this special person they insist I somehow am?? When I'm sad, does anyone REALLY care, of do they feel a sense of obligation to ask what is wrong and stop me from crying? In therapy, am I just a paycheck for my therapist, or do they actually want to do their job?
Before I end this rant, I wanna say I do care about my mom and she does very much love and care for her kids. I am grateful to her and everything she's done. I just think it's wrong for her to throw us all under the bus every time she gets angry. I know she would say, "I'm not perfect" if I was telling her this right now. Like I give a damn that she's perfect. I just want her to stop, because otherwise I'm starting to believe she really DOES hate us.
