Hi everyone. I just wanted to introduce myself since I've been reading through these forums off and on for a couple years, and give a little background.
When I was about 5 or 6 years old, I thought I was a girl. I even told people in school I was a girl. That was quickly stopped by my parents, especially by my father, who told me in anger that I was not a girl. I always liked girl things, and found myself enjoying hanging out with the few girls that would have me around rather than with boys. I even used to make clothes for my stuffed animals.
When I began puberty I often thought to myself that I wished I had been a girl instead, and understood then that life would have been so much easier, and I would have been much more socially accepted all throughout childhood and life in general. At the time I was just about the same size as my mother, so I tried on some of her clothes while she was at work, bra and all.
It was a massive secret...I never told anyone.
I've always been a loner, mainly because my feminine nature had always been so shunned and it became difficult to be social without people just disregarding me, and often as a man I'm always misunderstood in my mannerisms...taken as being angry when not, told to calm down when I'm calm, and basically just being treated like crap. So I stayed hidden as much as possible. I would rarely speak in any social settings, and people just thought I was weird, creepy, and boring. The only time I wasn't so hidden is when I would sing. I learned in my teens that I can sing very, very well, and I happen to be able to emulate the voices of numerous singers, male and female, almost identically. So I would sing, get positive attention, feel good, then go crawl back in my private little hole.
It wasn't until a couple years ago that the secret was no longer tolerable. I remember reading an article about an androgynous young man who modeled women's clothing having chosen to transition...and I became overwhelmed with jealousy. I never felt I had the ability or support from anyone I knew. But the secret could no longer be kept.
I looked for local transgender therapists, and found one that is incredible. I was in tears and shaking when I left her the initial voicemail to call me and discuss becoming a patient. It was the best thing I could have ever done, and to this day I cannot imagine that I would still be alive if I hadn't called her.
I am now 38 years old, and look exceptionally young for my age. I am often mistaken for a 22-25 year old, and treated as such by people my age. I usually dress "male" but with effeminate touch, but have always found myself wishing that I could get away with wearing female attire. There are so many cute outfits I wish I could wear.
I have made the decision after two years of deliberation, experimenting, and arguing with myself that I am going to transition. It is now or never. I will be seeing the doctor very soon to get started with HRT, and I'm both anxious, excited, and somewhat scared about what lies ahead socially as I transition. I was gifted with an androgynous voice...in that I mean I have a very, very deep voice that I've been speaking in for all of my life, simply because if I spoke in the voice I want to speak in, it wouldn't match my mostly masculine face. But I am very capable of speaking in a woman's voice, and doing so is easier and less energy-sucking than speaking with my male voice. Also instead of sounding dull and drab, my female voice is happier-sounding.
It's time to make my outside match my inside.
Anyway that's me in a nutshell. I plan to do a video blog as I transition and hope to have another success story to add to the world.
