Somewhere to Talk II The Wrath of Khan

[Reyes]

First off, I'm sorry, but I had to add that to the subject title for the thread, I couldn't just leave it at two.

Okay, so, as everyone knows from my last thread, not Somewhere to Talk 1, but I DID IT, I just this last sunday managed to come out to my dad, sister, and grandmother. And the very next day I came out to a friend of my sisters, who I have in all honesty been, I think, absolutely in love with for over a year now, really hope she's bi.

Anyway, I find it weird, before coming out I was pretty much completely accepting of myself, kinda, and I knew I wanted to transition so bad. I didn't really have any doubts about anything but fearing I wouldn't be able to come out.

Since coming out thought, I still at the core know I want to transition, and whenever I look at my body I know it isn't right, there's just this unnerved feeling. But the doubts in regards to transitioning have skyrocketed since the ones on coming out vanished. This normal?

Otherwise though I feel better then I have in months.

Oh yeah, I'm able to talk about all this with them now, yet for some odd reason I still get to nervous to say the actual word transgender to often. Don't know why. But then I've always been like that in regards to sensitive topics.

[KathyLauren]

I think it is not uncommon. 

Dysphoria goes down any time we take steps towards transition.  Coming out is a huge step, so the dysphoria goes way down.  Since the need to transition is driven by dysphoria, your improved mood results in a reduced (perceived) need to transition.

I felt the same thing.  I find myself wondering if I really am doing the right thing.  But then I remind myself what it felt like before I came out, and of the regret that I foresaw for myself in the future if I didn't transition, and I remember why I am on this path.  It helps to remember that mood swings are normal and temporary.

[Reyes]

K so things have been pretty kinda good, I haven't so much needed to talk things out lately, feel a lot better then I did all that time.

But the annoying thing though that I've noticed is since coming out, with all of that worry gone, now I'm full of constant doubts. And I just need to look at myself to KNOW it's all the same, but that doesn't stop the constant doubts.

It's how it's always been for me, no matter what comes up, I can almost never stop thinking about it. Back before my scoliosis surgery I use to worry constantly that it would go horribly wrong and they'd crack my spine or something.

I spent like 4 years worrying that this horrible bully from high school would come to my house one day with the keys he stole and do who knows what to me. I literally prayed every night that that would never happen.

So like I said, common thing for me.

The latest bout of which, along with those annoying doubts, is ever since I read this one article about how some people's sexuality changes after going through hrt, I quite often since then hope I never get attracted to guys, cause I know I'm not, guys bodies make me sick, not just my own. And I know I only like woman, and am most certainly a lesbian. But just like every other time the damn constant thoughts of worry never stop.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

My therapist likes to attack worries like that with a version of "what's the worst that could happen?" So, let's say you go on HRT and suddenly like guys. So... what happens then? Okay, you've answered that question, what happens then? It's a way to take you catastrophizing and hold it up to the light. It might make your fears feel silly and cause them to recede a bit.

I think we all face a fear of loss of identity and self when we start to transition but in the end we find it makes us more of who we were already. That said, some of your ambivalence towards men is probably caused by dysphoria but at the same time, if you don't have a blip of attraction towards men now you're probably not going to suddenly develop it on HRT. Though if you are bi you'd be in good company.

[Reyes]

I can safely say I have never felt any attraction towards men in my entire life. :3

See it's like you say, I know this, I know there's nothing to worry about, but try telling my mind that, lol. :3

[KathyLauren]

My wife asked me about this: what if I start to get attracted to men?  Well, so what if I do?

Right now, I am attracted to women.  If I notice a pretty woman, I look, I appreciate her beauty for a moment, then I carry on because I'm happily married.  If I suddenly start getting attracted to men, I will notice a handsome man, I will appreciate his handsomeness for a moment, then I will carry on because I'm happily married. 

Of course, what my wife is really worried about is what if I am repulsed by her?  Ain't gonna happen!  She's my best friend. I know how I feel about my committment to her.  (I'm big on committment - it's a girl thing ) And she has scored big brownie points by the way she has supported me since coming out.  She is not just "a woman".  She is my partner, my soulmate, my BFF.

What if I was single?  If I was single right now, I might be dating women.  Men don't interest me.  If I was suddenly attracted to men, I could see switching to dating men.  I wouldn't be dating people I found repulsive, because the whole premise is that I would be attracted to them.  What is the bad part about dating people I find attractive?  I can't see that there is one. 

Thinking about it now, when I do find men repulsive, is weird.  But if I no longer find them repulsive, I can see being cool with it.

[Reyes]

Welp, came out to my Mom today. Kinda had to, she'd been noticing the past few weeks that the rest of us were keeping something from her, and she thought that it might be that I tried to kill myself, so I couldn't have her thinking that, so.

Actually went better then the others, there was like a split second pause, but then she was saying she's proud of me for figuring that out about myself, and there wasn't any of the disbelief everyone else had. It all honestly surprised me, I never thought she wouldn't except it, but I didn't think she's be so very positive. :3

For some reason though I'm noticing which each person I come out to the whole thing gets more and more scary and doubt filled for me. I guess because it's becoming more real and possible, or something like that. I dunno.