Looking pretty...

[Steph Eigen]

...in a print spaghetti strap sundress, strapless bra, drop earrings, a little daytime make up; all day looking like I'm ready to go out on a dinner date at the close of  a nice summer vacation day.   It feels comfortable, natural and 'right.'  The internal woman is out of the cage.  I like how I look and feel; it feels like me.  Nowhere near ready for presentation and coming out  publicly but honestly, I think I look OK today, not something that would scare and damage little children.  Again, it feels good.

But there will be no date.   I've been sitting here most of the day at the computer trying to select and local gender therapist and trying to decide how to present the need for therapy to my wife.   How ironic.

My wife gets home in a couple of hours.  Soon I'll end up back in my shorts and a tee shirt behind the facade--business as usual, pretend nothing is new.  I have not yet come out to her. I hate this as it feels so dishonest.

It's been a bad, dysphoric  day. Uhhhh!  I'm sorry but I just have to share my frustration on the forum but I know no other place to go with it.  At least I spent the day on groundwork to get things  moving forward. 

Thank you for listening.  I'm not seeking answers or advice, just need to know there are souls out there who can understand these feelings.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Steph.  I totally get how you feel.  I was the same way for many years, dressing in secret.  The dishonesty and my feelings of guilt over it were what told me that something had to change.  I knew that, if I didn't take charge of the situation, I would get discovered and the stuff would hit the fan.

I opted to come out first and seek therapy later.  There was no other way to do it in my situation.  YMMV

[Steph Eigen]

Thank you, so much.

As you know, it's not about the dressing or the clothes, it's about the unspoken suppressed truth, the internal gender milieu.

Tomorrow's another day.

[Rachel]

I can remember being so scared going to my intake, then first gender therapy appointment, telling my wife, starting HRT and telling her and ..... I konw the pain and turmoil and I am sending good thoughts your way.

[Steph Eigen]

I spent an evening a few months ago reading the entire thread of years of your coming out and transition.  It was inspirational. 

I don't relish the thought of  the first session with a therapist.  I've already done the thought experiments, imagined detailed scenarios of that day.  Seeing the therapist does not scare me. It is facing myself and committing to an action plan that is the source of terror.

Thank you.

[Steph Eigen]

Also, good luck and best wished with your upcoming FFS.

Steph

[DawnOday]

That's the hardest part of all, not feeling guilty for being yourself. I loved my first wife tremendously If anyone has seen Amanda Peet, they could be doppelgangers. My guilt finally caught up with me 37 years after the fact. It has really moved fast. Five months ago I knew zilch, today i'm on my 8th day of hormones. Along the way I was able to finally explain what happened between us. And all the empty boxes have now been checked and it feels marvelous. I'm just unsure going out in public as I am tall  6'3" but not as good looking as Sharapova.(6'2"). Just make sure to be honest with the Therapist. My experience was going to therapy to find answers for my crossdressing and the lifelong understanding that something was amiss. But on the 5 or so times I went to therapy before I would complain about something completely opposite of what I wanted to say. I attended a lot of group sessions for stress. The one thing I realized is you got to be true to yourself because if you don't love you. Nobody else will.

[HappyMoni]

Steph,
   I have a story to offer. Maybe it will make you feel like you are less alone in your situation. Before I realized I was trans, I would dress in safe places. I felt so closed in, one time, I climbed on the roof one night in frustration. I was up there in clothes that felt comfortable (Female of course). I had to go this extreme to be outside and free of the confines of some small room somewhere. I remember thinking, "Where the hell am I going with this?"  It  was not about the clothes, although I knew that was a part of it. I was so frustrated from years of fighting with myself and from having to hide. I knew I was not a cross dresser. I knew it was way more, but it was incomprehensible to me that I might be able to do anything about it. I imagine that this might be close to the feelings you have today.
  Just for the record, my wife has always known. I didn't have to hide from her and yet that was not enough for me. I have only found peace within the last few months, really in the past few days. I think you will wrestle with this until you are at the tipping point. If you are anything like me, you will either distract yourself away from it and try to live with it, or you will find yourself doing things that you never imagined you could do. I wish I could fast forward it for you so you could skip some of the pain.
Moni

[Steph Eigen]

Dawn,
Thank you for your honest and generous thoughts.  I appreciate them more than you could know.

It sounds like you are well on your way, beginning to enjoy the well deserved fruit of your labor toward self realization.  6'3"?  I'm 6'2" tall with big feet, women's size 14 or 15--that sort of stuff should be the least of our worries.  Congratulations on your successes, family and kids accepting you.

[Steph Eigen]

Moni,

Your insights are spot on.  I frequently feel exactly as you did on the roof.  I have similarly said to myself: 

           "Where am I going with this?" 

           "What is the endgame here?" 

           "This simply cannot continue like this!"

While sitting here today,  briefly living without suppression of the feminine, I was almost literally sealed in a prison.  Doors and windows locked, curtains drawn where possible, I creep around the house hoping no one will see, worrying about the unexpected return of my wife home leading to discovery.  I was  confined to a small bedroom study where I work and quick passage down a second floor hallway past a partially obstructed window to our bedroom and bath.  A very small world, indeed.  Too many windows in the kitchen with neighbors very close by for today's appearance.  This is only possible with very understated clothing such as jeans, tee shirt or simple top, small earrings that would not be immediately identified as femme from the neighbors' passing glance.  Certainly no way to live.

I wrote in an earlier post that historically dressing seemed to relieve the dysphoria to a great extent, albeit only short lived relief.  Now, there is a sense of 'right' when I am dressed but no ongoing relief.  I, like you, am not a CD.   The dressing is simply part of being a woman. It is what women do--wear women's clothing.  It is part of the realization of the feminine  not a fetish.  Now with dysphoria mounting, little relief in sight, the pressure is on.

I was just on the phone for nearly 2 hours with my adult son who is wrestling with his life plan and a number of large life decisions.  He is bright, hard working and well educated with a career as an engineer.  What is so problematic is a very nihilistic word view and dissatisfaction with his work that is keeping him from moving forward.  Oddly, as we were having a very serious discussion of his situation he interrupted in a similarly very concerned way turning the tables asking me how my life has been lately!  Does he sense that I am in distress?  Is my facade of normalcy fading? I know he has no objective reason to be aware of the  demons I grapple with over my gender dysphoria and the torture imposed by maintaining the veil of secrecy.  I do not manifest androgyny or give any visible clues as far as I can tell.

This was very disturbing to me, more evidence that this secrecy needs to come to an end.

[CarlyMcx]

I've been where you are, but I moved through the secret dressing at home phase very quickly, and came out to my wife.  The guilt from keeping the secret was just too much for me.  My first wife had been a sneak and a cheater, and I resolved with this marriage there would be no secrets whatsoever.

So with my wife's consent and blessing, I became an at home crossdresser.  That lasted for a year.  Eventually the anxiety got to be too much for me, and I went for gender therapy and started hormones.

[tgirlamg]

Hi Steph!!!

I hear in your words the sound of someone poised before the door... Your hand grasping the knob, ready to swing the door wide... Your eyes are closed as you consider the things you will leave behind as well as the wonders beyond.... I know you feel both the weight of the moment as well as the weightless feeling of the freedom you can feel in the air... I will offer no advice at this moment but to tell you to enjoy this moment,... these days... this point in time... I know you will not turn away from this door... You will go through it...you'll find it leads to amazing places filled with more doors and more possibilities... and a life, finally your own!!!

Onward We Go!!!

Ashley

[aaajjj55]

Dear Steph,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.  I completely empathise with you and feel in a similar place myself.  I came out to my wife about being a CDer a couple of years ago and, to cut a long story short, agreed to cease my dressing activities.  Now I find that the urges are returning stronger than ever to the degree where I can now visualise myself taking things much further. These feelings have been fuelled in part by the realisation that the TG feelings I have may have been preordained in the womb through DES.  Wherever I sit on this scale, I am once again faced with the dilemma of either stealth or having to come out again to my wife which will almost certainly end our marriage immediately.

I think this gets us to the root of the problem; the vast majority of our community are faced with what is effectively a lose-lose situation.  We either suffer in silence, perhaps crossdressing in secret and researching transgender treatments on line when no-one is looking or we move forward with sometimes catastrophic consequences to our marriage, family life and career.

What I have realised is that there are many double-edged swords around - we dress in secret to satisfy our urges but, in doing so, realise that it feels so right and then yearn to spread our wings and go further.  We accept that the reason for our unhappiness is TG related but then fear the consequences of proceeding further on the path.  We want to be honest with our loved ones but know that their likely reaction will in all probability be hostile.  And this site - full of outstanding advice and inspiration whilst, at the same time, looking at the stunning transformations achieved by some of the participants, you realise that you can't just push everything to one side and forget about it (as I tried to do).

In my case, like you I felt trapped so decided to go out with tights/hose and panties under my male clothes.  If felt great and liberating but, of course, I now dream of going a little bit further.  I then learned about the potential side effects of DES to sons and have a very strong suspicion that my mother took this in pregnancy.  I've got the relief of knowing that my feelings and desires are not just some perverted fetish but the abject terror that, if they are as a result of hormone related brain development in the womb, what will this lead to (ultimately, with a wife & teenage kids to consider, this decision isn't just about me).

I do hope that you find your inner peace and are able to move forward in a way that fulfils you.  In the meantime, please draw comfort from the fact that you are not alone and many others are facing similar challenges.

Amanda x

[chris.deee]

Hi Steph!!!

I hear in your words the sound of someone poised before the door... Your hand grasping the knob, ready to swing the door wide... Your eyes are closed as you consider the things you will leave behind as well as the wonders beyond.... I know you feel both the weight of the moment as well as the weightless feeling of the freedom you can feel in the air... I will offer no advice at this moment but to tell you to enjoy this moment,... these days... this point in time... I know you will not turn away from this door... You will go through it...you'll find it leads to amazing places filled with more doors and more possibilities... and a life, finally your own!!!

Onward We Go!!!

Ashley

As much as I like to remind people that their first time out in public is a moment that stays with you forever, Ashley's post brought back memories of the hours before I told my wife. It's like jumping off an incredibly high diving board.  You may make a perfect swan dive.  You may do a belly flop. Or you may miss the water and catastrophe will happen. 

Either way, you can't stay up on that board forever. 

I relate a lot to your original post. 

I think your next two steps have to be seeing a therapist and starting to open up to your wife that something is wrong and you are going to get help. How much you disclose to your wife up front is your call. Having dealt with therapy and marriage for a while, the worst thing a couple can do is have one spouse do the blow-by-blow after every session.  The spouse not in therapy has to respect the process, otherwise you wind up with some pretty unhealthy dynamics. Or at least my wife and I did.

[Steph Eigen]

Thank you all for your  support, understanding and kind thoughts.  They helped me navigate through a very bad day yesterday.  Today is looking much brighter after the first decent night's sleep in about 3 weeks, thanks to you.  I am indebted to you for you generosity.

One final irony: my wife is a psychotherapist.

She works mostly with kids and adolescents not adults.  She is very good at what she does but this skill does not accompany her home at the end of the day, does not seem to extend to her personal life and family relationships.  She will be entirely respectful of the therapeutic process, of this I am absolutely sure.  On the other hand, I will need to carefully roll out disclosure to her perhaps engaging her in the therapy sessions.  Disclosure will predictably be a catastrophe, one I hope I can risk manage for damage control with some help from a therapist.  Prior experience over >35 years we've been together an observation of her historical responses to other family events  assures this to be the case.

On with the new day.

[KathyLauren]

he interrupted in a similarly very concerned way turning the tables asking me how my life has been lately!  Does he sense that I am in distress?  Is my facade of normalcy fading? I know he has no objective reason to be aware of the  demons I grapple with over my gender dysphoria and the torture imposed by maintaining the veil of secrecy.  I do not manifest androgyny or give any visible clues as far as I can tell.

Your son might not know which demons you are wrestling with, but he probably recognizes demon-wrestling when he sees it.  I bet this question did not just come out of the blue.  He knows something is up, even if he does not know what.

[Steph Eigen]

Kathy Lauren,

Yes, my son seems to know something is up. 

To the point of several earlier posts in this thread, I think it is too easily concluded by some that full transition, defined however you are inclined to do so, is the obvious solution.  The posts in this thread present a more moderate view recognizing the down sides, trials, tribulations, impact on family relationships and career.  I hope to get a better perspective with therapy on the process and the enormity of the task, one that seems so overwhelming to me. 

I have never run from a challenge in my work, career or life in general.  I've faced personal life threatening illness, made several radical career changes, faced the death of a parent while while starting my freshman year in college--none of these approaches the magnitude of the task I see ahead of me now.  Honestly, it is the first time in my life feel I may not be up to the task.  I fear I may not have the strength of will to succeed through this difficult process of self realization.  Time will tell.

I suspect my son would be the most open and accepting of all my extended family, my wife the least, my daughter somewhere in between.  Most of my side of the family are either estranged on the basis of problems dating back to my parents marriage or deceased.  I lost both of my parents at relatively young ages to catastrophic illness.  This limits the number of players I must confront.  My wife's extended family will be extremely difficult and judgemental based on their prior behaviors.

[Steph Eigen]

A little comic relief.

What shall I wear today?

[Jacqueline]

Depends on what you want out of it.

Just remember to breathe. So, you might not want a corset. 

Hope it goes smoothly.

With warmth,

Joanna

[tgirlamg]

Hey Steph,

It may become apparent to you during therapy that you need to transition...that there is no chance of actually living your life without doing it... If you find yourself there, please know that it can be done!!!... The mountain seems so large but the journey up it is possible step by step and day by day... There are sections that will be bounded up easily and sections that will be crawled up slowly and painfully, an inch at a time.

The people in your life now may not be the people you see at the top...many of the things you know in life and some of the people may fall along the way. Transition is filled with revelations... Revelations about the past...how much of your life has been colored by these feelings in ways you never realized...revelations about your connections to others, the path ahead and your place in the world...

I wish you all the best as you explore what lies ahead for you... Self exploration is the last frontier!!!....Onward we go!!!!

Take Care,

Ashley