Therapist said something today that knocked some marbles loose in my head and gave me a headache thinking about it as the bajillion permutations and decision tree branches regrew. Had to take a nap and let it "cook".
Now, I get that not everyone is "domestic" focused in the way I am; but bear with me on this.
As I lived my life with T scorching my brain, I really did manage to create the domestic environment I wanted, the kitchen is mine, the laundry is mine, the pantry is mine, concern for how much flour or sodas, do we have enough water on hand if there's a storm or something. All mine, and only mine. Yet I couldn't appreciate it because I couldn't force, nudge, or beg my partner into a role she was uncomfortable or uninterested in.
With the T gone; that aggressive desire to mold others into some fantasy role is just gone. And today, with the marbles bumped out of the way, I can see.
On this day, I could stand in front of my kitchen sink, washing dishes, thinking soft, happy thoughts, the world truly right and beautiful; the pantry well maintained, the laundry more or less caught up. And nothing vulgar intruded, just me, casually taking care of the needs of my family, quietly, and peacefully. This alone makes anything and everything worth the effort.
