Hi, I'm new here; joined to ask some questions because there isn't really anybody I could talk to about this in my life at the moment.
I'm 16 years old, designated female at birth, and I'm definitely sure I'm somewhere in the trans/nb spectrum, but I'm not sure whether I'm a trans boy or not.
From what I know, most(?) trans people sort of knew early in their life that they were different, but I felt pretty comfortable with my assigned gender for the most part. I participated in mostly "feminine" hobbies like playing with dolls, liking fashion and makeup, all that jazz. I was mistaken for a boy relatively often when I was little though; I had very short hair (it took forever to grow) and I was usually pretty offended by it.
When I was around 12/13 I would sometimes think about what I would look like if I was a boy, and I would talk about it with my friends, but I never fixated on it for too long. Around last year or so, I was especially self-conscious about not being seen as "feminine" enough (mostly due to my height and lanky awkwardness), and basically stocked my closet full of dresses and wore skirts all the time. Throughout this time I became more preoccupied with thoughts of being born a boy, to the point where I was really envious of cis boys and felt uncomfortable in my body (it sometimes felt like a foreign object or something, but I have an anxiety disorder so I don't know if that might be the cause). I know the "it's just a phase" mentality is terrible, but I go through a lot of phases, so it seems plausible for this to be some more of my dumb teen stuff. I thought it would go away after awhile, because I mean, I'd lived my whole life to this point without a problem, but the feelings kept getting stronger.
Anyway, I don't know what to think. I mean, I still like dresses and skirts and other stereotypically feminine things, the discomfort I'm feeling is mostly about my body. I think my greatest wish would be to still dress and act relatively "feminine" and still be read undoubtedly as a boy. It's really funny; I used to feel so terrible about not being feminine enough, and yet now I hate that I don't look masculine enough to pass as a boy. I would prefer if people used he/him pronouns to describe me, but I don't even want to ask anyone to do that because I look so feminine they'd probably think I was being ridiculous. There is literally nothing masculine about me. Why am I even feeling so bad if I'm not uncomfortable in the gender roles that have been assigned to me?
Anyway, I'd appreciate any thoughts anyone has about this, as I'm feeling pretty lost at the moment. I also apologize if I've inadvertently broken any forum rules/etiquette/etc; I read the read through the site policies threads, but there's a possibility I could've missed something as I tend to speed read. Thanks!
