Uhh...

[kelly_aus]

It seems you've already decided it will be of no help, so it won't be..

[Xirafel]

Maybe, if I was rich, I could casually toss down money as if it's toilet paper. Unfortunately, I'm not. I'm nothing more than a poor student guarding the last shreds of money I have.

The mere thought of having dozens of sessions at $150 each before the chance of getting anything, assuming they don't tell me to get lost is annoying. Some have said 3 - 5 sessions, some say it could be many more, etc.

The descriptions of the psychologists and how they operate is extraordinarily shady, especially the horror stories I've heard from my very own parents concerning psychologists who literally were trying to send me to a 'place for lunatics'.

People have said it before. Doctors won't prescribe anything, so visiting them is generally a waste of time other than asking for a referral, which is for the most part useless as I'll have to pay out of my pocket for a psychologist anyway.

Perhaps, they will have some useful information, I'll try to tell them and I'll see what they say. But, I wouldn't count on anything useful happening.

[kelly_aus]

Funny, I've never has a single issue with a medical professional of any kind.. Not one. And I'm very openly trans. Random GP's, no issues at all, prescriptions are no problem.. The psychiatrist I saw for my GD, again no issue, apart from a legislated delay in issuing my HRT referral - not his fault, it is/was the law. The psychologist I saw earlier this year for anxiety was great, ID'ed the problem and gave me the tools I needed to deal with it.

As for horror stories, sure I've heard them.. Apart from practitioners of "reparative therapy" and other religious shysters, I've not heard a real horror story in Australia in quite some time.

I was unemployed at the start of my transition, I had to find the money for my appointments. I went without to pay. I scrimped and saved.. Why? Because I knew it had to be done if I ever wanted any chance at happiness.

[SadieBlake]

Xirafel, I think you're falling into a trap of thinking it all has to be one way or another. I've paid for my own therapy when the counselors provided weren't working well enough and I've been glad that my current doc who is covered by my insurance has been excellent all along the way. I've also seen medical practice improve hugely throughout my lifetime.

You may or may not even need to see a therapist for getting hrt but if it's required then it will be worth it and certainly don't hesitate to seek out someone who specializes in trans issues if possible.

Here's a summary of my experience in therapy, the key point being one of my letters only took 3 sessions and could have been done in fewer.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,214663.msg1901690.html#msg1901690

[Claire_Sydney]

Funny, I've never has a single issue with a medical professional of any kind.. Not one. And I'm very openly trans. Random GP's, no issues at all, prescriptions are no problem..

Ditto.  I'm visibly trans.  I've never had a problem with healthcare in Australia.  Not once - and I've seen a lot of doctors and nurses since commencing HRT.  The psychologists and psychiatrists I have worked with in Sydney have been very compassionate, professional people.  Their sole concern has always been my health, wellbeing and quality of life.

The institutional barriers to medical transition are lower in Australia than they are at many clinics in the UK.  We are not required to do a year of RLE before accessing HRT.  Some psychiatrists will provide a referral after 2 visits where it's appropriate for the patient and there are no contra-indications.

Transition is a big decision to make.  HRT has some irreversible effects, particularly around family planning.  You are also making a pretty big decision about what gender you plan to live as for the rest of your life with all the social consequences that follow from that.  I think you also mentioned you have some other concurrent issues you are dealing with.

The good news is you're an adult now, and capable of making decisions for yourself.  However, I think it would be crazy to pass up the opportunity to speak with someone who has a fiduciary responsibility to counsel you on the decisions you are making - especially a counsellor who works with transgender people every day. 

At a minimum, you will probably need to see a psychiatrist for 2-3 sessions.

Your GP can provide you with a mental health care plan which means Medicare will subsidise some of the consultation costs.

Good luck.

[Xirafel]

And... My mind got stuck in an endless loop, apparently where it goes through all of the equally horrifying options (some even lead to death or prison time or being hospitalised for a very long time. No, I'm not planning to kill anyone x.x) and is unable to pick. Like a computer that's gotten frozen on a screen.

So now, it's just going... Okay, I'll just wait one more day and maybe I'll come up with something, it's going to be like that for months, isn't it? x.x
In other news, I'm so paranoid that I took my session timing out on these forums as a sign of getting banned due to people getting fed up of me complaining.

[Xirafel]

I'll see if physical pain can make the horrible sensations go away for an instant. Well, it worked, kinda

Will they think I'm faking it? It ranges in strength from indifference to being too terrified to even look in the mirror. Even seeing people who don't pass can trigger it when I'm like that.
What if they do their tests and I don't flinch from my reflection? They might think I'm wasting their time and label me a persona non grata.

Faces are horrifying things...

[SidneyAldaine]

Honey, whatever you do please don't freeze and get stuck at one place for months. It's a good sign that you doubt your situation and that you're critical and... sceptical. Paranoia is just a sign of you overthinking it too much, which is understandeable under these circumstances.

Don't feel pressure, but don't take a step back either- I guess what I'm trying to say is if you begin "the process" too fast and jump right into it, it might scare you- and not just you, your folks too. But don't turn around either, any setbacks might be bad for you at this point. Mental health problems and constant second guessing doesn't go well with a peaceful mind. Hence that screaming at night.

I can so relate to your story and your situation. Ctrl + Alt + Delete.

P.S.: Nothing is more terryfing that being stuck in an endless loop of misery. Bad doctors are nothing in comparison with that. So breathe in and breathe out. And go for it. Life almost always has this mysterious way of sorting itself out. Somehow.

[SidneyAldaine]

Physical pain only helps for a certain time and then- it doesn't work anymore. Those feelings you so well describe are an incremental part of you being trans, "in a wrong body". No doctor should label you as persona non grata at this point. If they do, you will find another one, I'm sure. So many doctors. Each and every one of them seeing you a little bit differently. They are people, after all. Biased by religion, what they were taught to believe in... Don't worry about them, worry about your mental health. That's the priority.

Your time is coming; the time when you shatter the mirror and the old image reflected on it, only to gather all the pieces back together, so you can shape them into something more suitable. The real you.

[Xirafel]

I might be going insane, I'm having random fits of laughter for no reason and I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable seeing masculine women. I keep looking at the faces. The faces... the faces... Aaaaa.

And I'm snapping over every little thing, seeing them as attacks on me.
I'm not going to start hallucinating, am I? Am I going to start hearing voices?
Is someone going to have to sedate me?

I'll see what I can do...

[Xirafel]

Okay, I've been poking her about taking me to a psychologist rather than going on about being trans, as that seems to be pointless right now. With any luck, she'll agree.

I'm also paranoid about the vile substance flowing through my veins and arteries destroying my body irreparably as it goes through with each passing day.
It's like a cape wearing villain in my imagination x.x

It's already ripped my soul to shreds and cast most of it into the depths of oblivion leaving a crippled shell behind.

[Xirafel]

She just cracked a joke about psychologists in return x.x

Alright, I'll try again. She'll have to listen eventually and I'll have her drag me into that building whether I'm conflicted or not. Brilliant move. Yes, that'll work.
Well actually, once it's paid, I'll feel really bad if I don't go. Wasting money is a no-no, every penny must count.

I hope the information about me doesn't leak. Do they sign an NDA or something?

[Xirafel]

She started looking at loads of psychologists, I prodded her towards ones which just "happen" to treat transgender along with anxiety, as I want to maximise the chances of seeing someone useful while minimising the chance of her going... No.

Hopefully, this'll go well.

[kelly_aus]

She just cracked a joke about psychologists in return x.x

Alright, I'll try again. She'll have to listen eventually and I'll have her drag me into that building whether I'm conflicted or not. Brilliant move. Yes, that'll work.
Well actually, once it's paid, I'll feel really bad if I don't go. Wasting money is a no-no, every penny must count.

I hope the information about me doesn't leak. Do they sign an NDA or something?

No NDA required, they are bound by patient-doctor privilege and cannot discuss you with anyone without your permission.

She started looking at loads of psychologists, I prodded her towards ones which just "happen" to treat transgender along with anxiety, as I want to maximise the chances of seeing someone useful while minimising the chance of her going... No.

Hopefully, this'll go well.

Your mother can['t attend the sessions without your permission..

[Xirafel]

Your mother can't attend the sessions without your permission..

Interesting, so if I want to hide it then, very convenient.
Well, she wants to treat my anxiety, and it will certainly do so. In theory.

For the most part, if she was there then it would make it really, really hard to speak.
I would be better off staring into empty space.

[Xirafel]

I have a feeling that they forgot about it, as I'm no longer in the same hotel room as them and really scaring them with my disturbing wails or throwing fits at the mere utterance of certain words or the name.

I'm going to try to bug them about it again. I'll be like a mosquito who keeps bothering them.
If I sell an organ or two to pay for the treatment, will it have an impact on HRT?

[Veronica J]

I have a feeling that they forgot about it, as I'm no longer in the same hotel room as them and really scaring them with my disturbing wails or throwing fits at the mere utterance of certain words or the name.

I'm going to try to bug them about it again. I'll be like a mosquito who keeps bothering them.
If I sell an organ or two to pay for the treatment, will it have an impact on HRT?

if your in australia, studying you may be eligable for a medicare card.. are you over 18? then you can get your own.. the hard part is getting 120~140 for the first session.. you will then get an 85 dollar rebate and only have to work to obtain the difference and go to your sessions.

i believe for mental things, those 16 years and older do not need a guardian present.. and i know for a fact if your 18 your parents may not accompany you if you feel uncomfortable or dont want them with you.

as stated your doctor may not under any circumstances give your medical information to another person without your consent.

if you dont want your mom to treat you, tell her no thanks i have my own beliefs which are not your beliefs.. you must stand firm on this, dont buckle.. they will play the victim card on you. tell them your grown up and taught to make your own decisions and i have made mine.

[Xirafel]

if you dont want your mom to treat you, tell her no thanks i have my own beliefs which are not your beliefs.. you must stand firm on this, dont buckle.. they will play the victim card on you. tell them your grown up and taught to make your own decisions and i have made mine.

Being financially dependent on them means that that would be a bit of a problem, not to mention that I'm a student so I'm deep in debt and have a pathetic amount of money.
Also, they provide the housing. I don't think they would take it away from me, but they have a lot of control.

She's really unpredictable. I don't think dealing with her is necessarily impossible. But waiting around for years is out of the question. I'm already old and ugly and it will only get worse as time progresses. I'd be better off dead than wait around for so long.

Also, I would rather do it long before heading back to the UK, as I recently stumbled upon articles about how countless people there are forced to self-medicate with how bad the system is and how impossible it is to get any help. As I would expect from the NHS, the very same people who said I was insane before we went private.

I have no clue what his stance on the matter is. Coming out to him would likely be the equivalent of detonating a nuclear bomb right in my face. Simply imagining it sends shivers down my spine. He takes everything extremely seriously but has a very short temper. He doesn't take nonsense lightly at all. And he's more or less in-charge. Like a final boss.

Also, they could get in my way without a second thought with the logic that it's for my own good to stop myself from destroying my own life as I have 'no clue what I'm doing'.
Or I could destroy my life with my own hands and join the cold dark abyss.

They said themselves that I'm their only child and that they'd want a good life for me.
A good life? I have no real friends. No past is nothing more than a dark abyss. I'm even paranoid about the weird blanks in my memory, I know that something really bad happened there, but it's gone. Gone. I normally have pretty good memory too.

My best friend is my cat and I sit at a computer whenever possible to hide from the dark miserable reality.
They don't see that. They act as if I have the best life in the world. If that's a good life then hell must be a paradise.

As you guessed, I am extremely conflicted, although not necessarily for the reason you think.
It's mostly external. External. If it wasn't for the external pressures, the direction would be obvious. Extremely so.

[Veronica J]

i know how it feels, in my younger years i felt much the same. (i moved countries 3 times)

hang in there, make a list of short term goals.. achievable things. get a part time job if you can, to help get some $$ for the appointments. its really only a short time in your life where you are right now, it will blow over before you know it.

so your a student with debt, that alone tells me your old enough to go to sessions without them there. its better for you this way.

i also get the sense your mom plays the victim card often, kind of explains the Dads short fuse as well.. living for years with that will do that to a person ( know my parents are much the same). just chill, relax and make short term achievable goals, then make longer term ones.. you will not be living in their home for years. you will be free before you know it. you need goals, make them.

I really wouldn't be too concerned with the gaps in memories.. while i can recall certain specific events.. there are years that i remember little. emotional events as Dena stated stay with you, good or bad the rest just fade with time.. i suspect its sort of protection for the mind, otherwise many many things would trigger allsorts of things. its kind of why people with photographic memories and those who remember everything have a harder time with life than those that dont. i also suspect many of the faded memories/experiences are used by your subconscious, to make snap decisions, to help guide one thru life.. i don't think a person really forgets anything at all, just extremely hard to recall.

like i said, as i understand if  your living here in aus studying you may be eligible for a medicare card. call them up to find out.

[SidneyAldaine]

Oh my, I know exactly what you're talking about! Especially gaps in memory. Only recently I kind of found out what might have happened and it's terrifying.

My parents are practically the same when it comes to understanding- they want "the good life" for their only son. "the good life" meaning family and high salary job.

If you ever want to talk about anything, pm me. I need someone to talk to about this as well. Don't worry, you are not old and ugly. It's just dysphoria talking. Trust me, I know.