Dating Problems For Transsexuals

[Kimberly]

Just to be calm and reaffirming this topic and the discussion contained here in are perfectly fine. I suspect that message was just a ghost in the system.

[Teri Anne]

Ghosts must be working overtime tonight.  I tried starting a NEW TOPIC post and got hit with the same warning that that post is or might soon be locked -- and I hadn't even typed anything into the new topic!  Maybe it's a glitch from the new Susan's Place layout (which, for the most part, I like -- the only thing I don't like are the ghosts and the fact that my old puter takes a long time to load the pages).

I was wondering.  Can we share with each other via posts which online dating services we think are good or bad?  I presume rule #1 about "sharing other sites" might prevent this but I'm not sure.  I do notice that sometimes people put links to sites into their posts.  I used to like the (free) love@aol but it no longer exists.  GLBT sites seem iffey (a lot of peple looking for sex).  Others charge a lot and have the same people, month after month.  The great thing about free services is that it brings in a wider variety of people.  I was going to start a NEW TOPIC on Online Dating Services but maybe someone on Susan's staff could tell me if that's permissable.  Thanks!

Teri Anne

[Kimberly]

...
I was wondering.  Can we share with each other via posts which online dating services we think are good or bad?  I presume rule #1 about "sharing other sites" might prevent this but I'm not sure.
...
I was going to start a NEW TOPIC on Online Dating Services but maybe someone on Susan's staff could tell me if that's permissable.  Thanks!

Teri Anne

Feel free to create such a thread Teri Anne, permission has been granted.

(Golly, doesn't that sound all official and formal and stuffs?!)

[Teri Anne]

Thanks, Kimberly.  I tried starting an Online Dating post but didn't get much interest so I removed the topic.   Perhaps you'all find dates the old fashioned way -- in person.  Or maybe, like me, you're kind of on a dating hiatus.  I do wish I could find an inexpensive or free online service.  Love@aol was so good but unfortunately got bought by Match.com.  Sigh.

Teri Anne

(this post revised on Saturday at 10PM)

[asiangurliee]

"She" had sexy women's nightwear on but a penis was quite visible.  I was shocked.  I thought I was dating a heterosexual man.


I dont get it. Why did you put "She" in quotation mark? Why do you feel that you are more of a female because you have SRS? How do you know "she" is not a she?

[Miss Placed]

I guess this is why a lot of TS's end up with other TS's. I guess it makes a lot of sense, who else can understand you better.

Add to this I am a strong believer that once you are transgendered you are transgendered for life, and failure to recognise this and learn to live with it can only lead to issues later on... ie when you want a partner.

I had an young M2F 'acquaintance' here in my home town*(see below). She is one of these that fell into the trap of thinking that SRS was the end of her transition. She will resolutely and defiantly state that she isn't transgendered, that she is a woman. Quite amusing that the first time I heard her say this was at a local TG group meeting. I felt like asking her, 'well if you not transgendered, why are you here?'... but I am not that evil.

Anyway. She is looking for a 'nice straight boy' (her words), and her intent is to meet a boy who will take her for being a girl, without knowing anything about her past and life will be 'happy ever after'.

I asked her if she and said boy were to fall in love, what would happen when either a) he wants kids or b) you get outted in front of him years down the line.

How is said 'nice straight boy' going to feel then? I wasnt trying to be evil, I was just trying to make her see her folly. I don't think she likes me anymore  seems the truth is too much for some.

Anyway, the whole point of my waffle, is that dating is gonna be tough, hopefully we'll all get lucky and meet that person who will take us for who we are and who we want to be, but will also feel unconcerned and comfortable with our pasts. I do know girls who have found guys that appear to be like this.

For me, I just want to find me atmo. I'm not into 'guys', but would embark on a relationship with another M2F TS. 'willys' are not an issue for me, you obviously don't need 'willys' to love someone and please them emotionally and sexually.


*I'm not gonna say friend, cos it turned out she wanted to practice her counselling skills on me rather then befriend, but I think soon woke up to some things about herself, and went cold one me).

[tslady]

hi everyone i,m kristen an new here so forgive me but i, know about dating it,s very hard i,m bi an a ts mtf an it seems when i tell them them that i,m a pre op they seem to run an women do the same i  just wish i would fine one thats not afaired to be with me as i  am . some time i just want to give up on dating but i don,t cause i don,t want to be alone so i know it,s hard an not sure what to do anymore . thanks for listening to me . your truly tried of being alone kristen

[HelenW]

Welcome, Kristen!

Please don't apologize for being new, I think it's great that you found us here at Susan's.  You won't be alone if you keep coming here - the people in this forum are very friendly and supportive.  I've found that I can share things here that I could never breathe to many people that I know face to face.  I feel safe here and hope that you will too.

The site is full of great resources so feel free to explore (the WIKI is fantastic, if I must say so myself  )  The information is very extensive.  The site rules are easy to read and even easier to follow.

It's traditional for us to post an introduction in our (you guessed it !) Introductions forum https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html and if you feel like it I'd like to invite you to do the same.  Just so we can get to know you a little better.  In any event, I hope to read more of your posts in the future and am again very happy to say,

WELCOME!!! 
helen

[Elizabeth]

Hey everyone,

I have crossed this bridge. I want to start with a post I wrote in another forum.

Hi girls,

I have been a little down in the dumps the last few days with this incredible feeling of hopelessness. It seems I no longer have the one thing I cherished the most,someone to love.

There was a time when I was a young man that I thought I would never find anyone to love me. But mostly that I would never have anyone to love. Someone to hold onto when I was lonely or afraid or proud or excited.

Now here I am in the same position again. How do I find someone. I don't want to be a fraud and go out dressed as a boy to lure women in only to be disappointed when they don't accept the real me.

I know there are women out there that are feeling lonely just like me and would be happy to have such a caring and loving person as me. But is seems the system, as always, is set up to work against me.

I know many of you have found accepting wives or SO's after losing your first love. And others have made a decision to not even try to pursue finding someone.

Can anyone tell me? HOW DO I FIND LOVE??

Love Always,
Elizabeth

I simply accepted the fact that I was probably not going to find anyone. Women who were not gay did not want a man on his way to becoming one and lesbians for sure don't want a transsexual woman. What I needed was a woman that not only wanted, but also needed a transsexual woman. It just did not seem that likely that I would find one.

This was on my homepage and myspace when my now wife discovered me.



She thought I was a woman at first. She later admitted that she had a very hard time thinking of me as being male or a transsexual until she actually heard my male voice. I never presented myself as anything other than a transsexual that would most likely transition if it were ever to become possible. She had never dated a woman before and in fact was actually dating another man at the time she met me.

We met on an irc chat channel, and eight months later we were married. It turned out that what I needed was a woman that needed a transsexual woman. She had later told me that she had always dated effeminate men, but was not sure why. She has never dated a GG and has not desire to, and even though being with me technically makes her a lesbian, she claims she could never be with a GG. Just when I thought that such a woman did not exist, she found me. And she really would have me no other way.  Other than her desire to have children with me, she really has no need for my male parts.  We have found that sex is not more or less fulfilling whether we use them or not.

It seems with her, it's about being with a loving, warm, compassionate person that loves her unconditionally and she returns all those things to me.  I don't know how I would ever find anyone like her if anything ever happened to her, or if I would even want to.

Don't give up hope, there is the right person out there for you.  Another lonely soul just waiting for some kind, soft, loving transsexual to love them.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[mrcool]

Welcome, Kristen! ...  You won't be alone if you keep coming here - the people in this forum are very friendly and supportive.  I've found that I can share things here that I could never breathe to many people that I know face to face.  I feel safe here and hope that you will too.

Also new, and while I cannot directly relate to the problems expressed here, I would share this important advice:
Wherever you go, there you are.
In other words, if you are tempted to break up a relationship because you're not happy, consider the possibility that you are the source of your own unhappiness. In other words, it's not them, it's you. And chances are you will take your unhappiness with you into the next relationship.
I have acquaintances who've been through multiple marriages, and each time the same basic problem occurs. Different partner, same problem -- which tells me that it's not the partner that's the problem.
The important thing is to supply your own happiness, and learn to live with imperfection in relationships. If you get along fairly well with your BF/GF/whatever, and you're not being used, abused, beaten or ripped off, you're probably doing better than you might think.
Too many people are always looking for that "magic" relationship -- the wonderful, dreamland, be-all, end-all -- and in searching for that, they keep throwing away "pretty good" or "better than OK" relationships. That kind of perfectionism is a one-way street to unhappiness.
I don't know how this relates to any of the specific problems anyone here might be experiencing, but ... remember that a decent/OK relationship might be about as good as you'll get.
On the other hand: You can do bad by yourself. If somebody is seriously mistreating you (cheating, drugging, abusive, etc.), then you would surely be better off alone. In fact, one of the keys to being happy in a relationship is the ability to be happy by yourself -- that way you aren't "high maintenance," always requiring attention.
I suppose this kind of generic encouragement is not especially helpful to the specific issues discussed here, but I hoped to contribute something useful.

[Robyn]

Some good advice, Mr. Cool.

And remember, boys and girls, there's a big difference between being alone and being lonely.  It's okay to on your own, to take pleasure in knowing people without being tied to them. 

When my marriage ended, I was told that once I could be alone without 'needing' someone to make me happy, I'd be ready for a new relationship.  The friend who told me taht was right.  I only had to accept one other thing:  That I could be in a relationship with a man.

Once I accepted that, what di God send me but an FTM. 

We've been married over 6 years, and he was the first thing I saw when I awoke from my SRS 6 years ago tomorrow.

Robyn

[Melissa]

Interesting, I'm already at that point.  Right now I'm happy being alone.  I don't plan on looking for a relationship anytime soon, however, I am open to the possibility if the right person came along.

Melissa

[Chynna]

OK am I wierd in saying I don't have issues with dating people!?

I have dated women, men, TS MtF & FtM
Equal oppurtunity dater I guess!

My outlook when it comes to whom Im attracted to has nothing to do with sex or even sexual orientation but rather a mental connection I feel with that person.
"you can sleep with anybody...but, how many people can you say you've had a conversation with an actually enjoyed it!"
When I look for a mate, partner, someone to date. I look at the person period point blank no matter what they are (gender wise of course). If I feel a spark, bond or whatever I let that person know (in subtle ways of course) that im interested in them has a person.
Physical aspect normal falls into place once a mental bond is established with me.
sex to me is only 20% of the relationship so gender doesn't count in regards to whom im attracted to.

When I first meet anyone usually within the first hour they know what I am because I throw little hints or some times just out right state im a TS that way from the on-step you know who you are talking to so there is no misconfusion or misrepresentation.
(The confusion part usually comes when they ask about who I date!
If I am anything besides a TS i would say im complicated!
I am currently with a man (I would consider BI) He meet me has a feminine boy and then got the oppurtunity to meet the woman inside of me and has been there ever since.

but thats just my take on the subject
Thanks for letting a sista ramble for a few!

Complicated
Chynna