Worried About the Sexual Nature

[RedheadWhovian]

So I've been kinda terrified this week thinking about my past life, and how I've gotten to my 9 month transition today... You see, my gender dysphoria was largely sexual. Not going to sugarcoat it. I would have urges so strong that I had to look up artwork, stories, animations, pictures, and stuff of men transforming into women, and that turned me on. God I was so disgusted. I would do the deed with it almost every night, and the orgasm would relieve my stress, and urges for a couple hours. I would then conclude it had to all be some weird, freak fetish, and that I could just hate myself for it, but not give it up, since the urges were too strong. People are frowned upon for getting turned on by that stuff (I don't mean stories of real people transitioning, but like user-created artwork of gender changes and stuff)

Well, anyway, I rarely do that anymore, 9 months on HRT, but I am constantly worried that maybe I am making the wrong decision exactly because of that? Like was it all just some weird fetish? Please tell me there is at least some sort of sexual correlation with gender dysphoria... Ugh, I feel like such a creep. I also tend to get a little turned on when I get to dress up (I am not out in public yet) which worries the heck out of me too. Hormones have made positive impacts. I am more productive, and the urges are obviously gone, but I can't deny that at times I do feel a little weird, and I am so worried it's because I'm just a guy with a freak TG fetish who mistakenly tried to change his gender. Ugh I am so scared. 🙁 Someone please help.

[Dena]

Testosterone seems to really mess with our brains. Others on the site pre HRT are often involved in porn and for me the there was a sexual side to cross dressing. Elimination of testosterone not only reduces dysphoria but it also controls these unnatural urges we get. Should you stop the blockers, all of the old urges will return which is proof that you are transgender and you need to at least get the testosterone out of your life.

As for going in public, your avatar tells me you are ready. If you lived close enough to me that I could drag you out of that house into public, I would. Once you do that, there will be no going back.

[RedheadWhovian]

Testosterone seems to really mess with our brains. Others on the site pre HRT are often involved in porn and for me the there was a sexual side to cross dressing. Elimination of testosterone not only reduces dysphoria but it also controls these unnatural urges we get. Should you stop the blockers, all of the old urges will return which is proof that you are transgender and you need to at least get the testosterone out of your life.

As for going in public, your avatar tells me you are ready. If you lived close enough to me that I could drag you out of that house into public, I would. Once you do that, there will be no going back.

Thank you, Dena. But would those feelings go away after going out in public? And the only reason I have not yet is because I can't. Though I also don't feel I pass. Haha I will not deny that eliminating testosterone has limited those sexy nights from every night, to about once every other week. You think the sexual urges would come back?

[Dena]

I no longer consider feminine clothes to be sexy unless I am dressing for something special. I think living the life and experiencing it every just make it feel natural and comfortable. In any case, the only way you will know for sure is to try it.

As for passing, we are the last ones to see femininity in our faces. Others will see it long before us. I would suggest for your first few trips, go where you will be comfortable. Your therapist or a visit to people who know what you are doing. After you become comfortable with that, move a bit more out of your comfort zone until you are full time.

[RedheadWhovian]

I no longer consider feminine clothes to be sexy unless I am dressing for something special. I think living the life and experiencing it every just make it feel natural and comfortable. In any case, the only way you will know for sure is to try it.

As for passing, we are the last ones to see femininity in our faces. Others will see it long before us. I would suggest for your first few trips, go where you will be comfortable. Your therapist or a visit to people who know what you are doing. After you become comfortable with that, move a bit more out of your comfort zone until you are full time.

That makes a lot of sense, thank you! I will try baby steps first. However, I am still tremendously worried about my sexual link with my decision to transition. Like... I NEVER hear other woman say they had feelings like that.

[kelly_aus]

That makes a lot of sense, thank you! I will try baby steps first. However, I am still tremendously worried about my sexual link with my decision to transition. Like... I NEVER hear other woman say they had feelings like that.

That's simply because few will admit to it..

[Deborah]

I'll admit to it and it leaves me a bit concerned too.  The two things that help me overcome that concern are first, being very happy that it is gone, and second, remembering how bad I always felt then and how good I feel now.

[SadieBlake]

I've been obsessive about sex for a very long time and no longer stigmatize myself. Sexual desire isn't a bad thing and our society is given to some very messed up (yes there's a better adjective) contradictions on sexuality. Not the least of that is that we are on the one hand puritanical/fundamentalist and on the other hand have a huge societal investment in highly sexualized images in media.

I started cross dressing principally for the sexual pleasure and it took time to realize that it was about more than just that and being more flexible about gender roles and expression.

The women's movement made an early and in my mind unholy alliance with the religious right in political attacks on pornography. Happily there is now a far wider interpretations of what it means to be feminist.

Our attractions form in the context of what we're exposed to and denial of attraction is rarely a good thing (and ultimately in my view is the source of our puritanical attitudes towards sexuality).

How much estrogen affect my sexual response was a huge surprise. I can't count the number of times I've realized shifting from stereotypical male to stereotypical female in things both sexual and emotional. ... I guess it's no surprise those things are tightly coupled.

[warlockmaker]

I was the same if you have read my posts. Being sexually turned on and masturbating was my way to handle my dysphoria. Even on HRT these sexual feelings only diminished a little. Thats why I saw a therapist for 3 years before I accepted that I was trans and started hrt. Then 3 years after  HRT I had my srs. I am finally at peace and living my dream.

[RedheadWhovian]

That's simply because few will admit to it..

Oh my gosh! Is that true!?

I'll admit to it and it leaves me a bit concerned too.  The two things that help me overcome that concern are first, being very happy that it is gone, and second, remembering how bad I always felt then and how good I feel now.

So happy for you!! No doubt I do feel better since HRT. Not just emotion though. I am like way more productive, it's scary. I have worked on all my dreams since then, which is something I would always procrastinate beforehand.

I've been obsessive about sex for a very long time and no longer stigmatize myself. Sexual desire isn't a bad thing and our society is given to some very messed up (yes there's a better adjective) contradictions on sexuality. Not the least of that is that we are on the one hand puritanical/fundamentalist and on the other hand have a huge societal investment in highly sexualized images in media.

I started cross dressing principally for the sexual pleasure and it took time to realize that it was about more than just that and being more flexible about gender roles and expression.

The women's movement made an early and in my mind unholy alliance with the religious right in political attacks on pornography. Happily there is now a far wider interpretations of what it means to be feminist.

Our attractions form in the context of what we're exposed to and denial of attraction is rarely a good thing (and ultimately in my view is the source of our puritanical attitudes towards sexuality).

How much estrogen affect my sexual response was a huge surprise. I can't count the number of times I've realized shifting from stereotypical male to stereotypical female in things both sexual and emotional. ... I guess it's no surprise those things are tightly coupled.

So it's actually normal for a trans woman to have those intense sexual urges over the thought, and it's okay that I did, and sometimes still do? D: I always hear so many frown upon the idea of thinking about it in a sexual way, and it is generally looked down on if looking at things like gender transformation art turns you on if you are genuinely trans. So many would say that is a surefire way to know you're not trans, and that it's just a fetish.

[AnonyMs]

I don't feel particularly trans these days, or female much either whatever that is. I feel normal. I'm ok with that because I've tried so very hard to stop and its impossible. All I can say is that if I'm not trans the difference is academic.

I do like what I'm doing, its just that if liking was all there was to it I'd probably not do it. It's far to hard.

If you stop HRT you'll no doubt find all the bad stuff happening again. It seems to be very common that people feel fine after taking HRT then start questioning themselves.

[Violets]

Crossdressing once had a sexual nature to it for me also. The HRT has stopped that (which I'm grateful for), but the trans feelings are still there as strong as ever. My desire to be female was there well before puberty, so perhaps over time I sexualised my trans feelings as a coping mechanism for the underlying dysphoria.

Pre HRT, the sexual side, plus the fact that the intensity of the dysphoria would rise and fall in cycles, made me seriously question where I fell on the trans spectrum, or even if I was genuinely trans at all. I also wondered whether the whole thing was just some bizarre lifelong obsession.

What I know with certainty is that the steps I'm taking to treat this condition have made my life so much better than before.

[Jacqueline]

Add my name to these discriptions. Those desires and urges were part of why I didn't think I was transsexual. I assumed it was a perverse kink. Then thought I  had to accept I was a cross dresser. It wasn't till later I remembered (it's hard for me to remember- I have gaps from my childhood) that I tried to dress and be a girl before puberty. Then when puberty came along, it all became sexualized. As I  understand it cis woman sometimes feel sexy or get a little turned on just by dressing up themselves. Seems like you are in good company. You are not alone.

I agree with Dena that if that picture is accurate, you totally pass. I am not publicly presenting either. I just do it for therapy and group sessions. You are so cute in that photo.

I also believe from what I have read of other's experiences, that eliminating the anti androgen will bring back all of those disturbing urges.

I assume you are in therapy. Maybe you should discuss these concerns in your next session?

I hope you are able to see yourself differently now.

With warmth,

Joanna

[becky.rw]

Agree with all the above, you absolutely pass, I would never have guessed you had a male body to begin with.

On the T thing, it absolutely will come back if the T comes back, and not only will it come back, it will come back just as strong, but you(or I) will be completely unaccustomed to handling it and directing it into something that is at least harmless and private.

But you know, there is also a wholesome part of sexuality, something I couldn't see at all before; dressing to attract is part of that if you are looking for a relationship.    I'm personally not ready to go there, and will likely leave it completely suppressed for some time, and will avoid consciously considering it as well.   But eventually, I hope to allow it back into my life as a positive, gentle, loving act.    When I do so, I'll do so consciously, and deliberately, not driven to frenzy by some predatory molecule that my brain can not handle.

[SadieBlake]

Oh my gosh! Is that true!?

So happy for you!! No doubt I do feel better since HRT. Not just emotion though. I am like way more productive, it's scary. I have worked on all my dreams since then, which is something I would always procrastinate beforehand.

So it's actually normal for a trans woman to have those intense sexual urges over the thought, and it's okay that I did, and sometimes still do? D: I always hear so many frown upon the idea of thinking about it in a sexual way, and it is generally looked down on if looking at things like gender transformation art turns you on if you are genuinely trans. So many would say that is a surefire way to know you're not trans, and that it's just a fetish.

I'll go one better and say there is no 'normal'. There are a lot of frequently - repeating themes. I've known transwomen who've been sexually active and adventurous both pre and post-op. I've known others who are effectively asexual. And others who change little in their sexuality across transition; still others who change dramatically.

And attitudes are perhaps even more varied. Yes I've seen the sexually active, and transexual  sex workers looked down on just as I've seen women who are effectively celibate catch shade for who they are. And yes, there are transexuals who see cross dressers as inherently less valid. That was more of a distinction in my past experience than anything recent.

I'm pansexual and yes trans porn can still do something for me - less than it may have in the past, estrogen has changed my responses, not eliminated them. It probably helps that I have more than a couple of friends who have made trans porn and one who still makes it her day job.

[Michelle_P]

When I was younger, yes, there were sexual urges tied into presentation.  To be honest, there were sexual urges tied into everything.  Testosterone does that, especially when injected by someone trying to 'fix' me.  I was 'counseled' by religious leaders and 'cured' of all this.  

Honestly, I think it's fairly normal.  The novelty of an activity that we culturally link to sex makes it exciting.  That plus testosterone leads to sexual excitement.  If we were to tie this into sexual activity to the point where it becomes our primary sexual outlet, I suspect we'd be getting into fetish territory.   

The thing is, when the novelty and excitement wore off, I still felt driven to try and present as female, just to feel 'right'.  No sexual activity was involved any more.  Without the presentation, I got a psychic itch that led to more and more discomfort with myself, downright crankiness and eventually depression.  After a number of years had passed, presenting female became the only escape I had availabile from depression.  Some events in my life led me to realize my true nature, which I tried hard to repress for decades until I blew my psychic fuses, sought therapy, and found this place.

[BirlPower]

I started to cross dress because the idea turned me on. The first time I dressed it just felt like coming home (excuse the pun). After the act I didn't want to take the clothes off. They felt even better without the underlying urges. The sexual part wore off pretty quickly. I spend most of my time dressed now and the sexual aspect is pretty much non-existant. I still get turned on by wearing sexy underwear or a really sexy dress or skirt but I do that deliberatly now on special occassions like many girls do. Mostly I just throw on what's comfortable and just feel at peace. I'm not on any HRT so even with normal male levels of T my attitude to the dressing has become non-sexual.

B

[RedheadWhovian]

I started to cross dress because the idea turned me on. The first time I dressed it just felt like coming home (excuse the pun). After the act I didn't want to take the clothes off. They felt even better without the underlying urges. The sexual part wore off pretty quickly. I spend most of my time dressed now and the sexual aspect is pretty much non-existant. I still get turned on by wearing sexy underwear or a really sexy dress or skirt but I do that deliberatly now on special occassions like many girls do. Mostly I just throw on what's comfortable and just feel at peace. I'm not on any HRT so even with normal male levels of T my attitude to the dressing has become non-sexual.

B

Yeah, this definitely has me worried about my own feelings then.

[chloeD33]

Have you thought of talking to a counsellor:)?

[RedheadWhovian]

Have you thought of talking to a counsellor:)?

I do. She says that so many trans women have had the same experience, and that even if sexual is a large component of it, that is nothing to be ashamed of.