Coming out to be authentic.

[kasspurple]

So, I haven't begun transitioning yet, but I am in therapy.  One of the things that comes up frequently is the notion of guilt.  The guilt of not being my genuine self with others.  Its hard, feeling that way pretty much all the time.  Its also exhausting having to modulate my actions or reactions to make sure they fit.

I've thought about coming out before to a friend or two or maybe my sister.  These are people who I trust would be able and willing to accept it.  The concern I have with my friends is if they'll be able to keep the secret.  I know my sister would, but she lives across the country which limits my interactions with her.  My friends are closer in locale.

I think what I want is the same thing many of us do.  To have a place and a friend who we can stop always being on guard.  Therapy helps with that, but only so much (coming out to my therapist was one of the best experiences ever and I know coming out to others might not be).

Anyways, what thoughts if any do y'all have?

Sincerely, Kass.

[Rhonda Lynn]

One advantage of coming out to your sister, is that the possibility of outing yourself to the world seems pretty minimal. For one, she lives far away, so even if she told others (which hopefully she won't), the gossip wouldn't be likely to spread to your circle.

Keeping a secret does put us under a lot of stress. Sharing it with a person helps a lot as you've found by sharing it with your therapist.

I think your sister might be a good place to start. It doesn't preclude you telling a friend at some point. In fact, it will help you to get more comfortable sharing your story.

One thing to know is that women bond by sharing their secrets with one another. So hopefully by sharing this with your sister it will draw you closer. In this day and age, it's not so hard to chat on the phone even if someone is far away.

You didn't say if your friends locally were men or women. If you're not sure that they can keep your secret, then I wouldn't share with them at this point.

Hugs,
Rhonda

[kasspurple]

Thank you Rhonda.  You've given me some good points to mull over!

My local friends are women.  I don't think any of my male friends could deal with this news.

[JoanneB]

While about the only guilt I still harbor after these past seven years of taking on the Trans-Beast is the pain this is causing my wife, I can sympathize with the desire to "Be Authentic". Taking on the beast is just so we can feel and be authentic.

For me, much of the authenticity started by working on the inside, on myself. I had a ton of baggage to loose. Worse yet was a lifetime of bad habits/though patterns developed by not handling being trans. This took a lot of hard, scary, risky, pushing my personal envelope, work. It took time. It was aided by some angels there to catch me when I fell.

Eventually the Shame and later the Guilt over being trans, being me faded. That old "Some Guy in a Dress" feelings replaced with the shear joy of being out in the real world as the real me. Feeling "Authentic" to me goes far beyond just the gender ID, which is just a part of the totality of what makes me, Me. There are many other aspects of me I need to be true to. Some with conflicting needs and wants that I have to balance.

Today I still live and present primarily as male. A lot why is the balancing act I perform each day called my life. Thankfully the GD is not so intense most that that I always feel that I need to transition, most days it's just want to. Both of my therapists have asked me the same same question; "What would be different if Joanne showed up for work tomorrow?" Both times my reflexive response was "Nothing", soon followed by "I would feel more authentic". But that more would be such a small percentage compared to the about 80-90% I generally feel I am.

For the most part, the who everyone sees and interacts each day is the authentic me, without hair and makeup  OK, and some occasional crying. I suspect there are plenty of small things you do, or don't do, around others because you feel if you do otherwise this big dark secret you have will be instantly recognized by others. I sure built up some pretty good walls as well as the grand Hollywood back lot of a me, a me I thought others needed to see.

Coming out to others seems to be what you see as a means to, in a way to make it easier, more explainable, for you to be yourself. Do you really need a reason to be baby step more like the you that you have apparently been hiding? If anyone asks (doubtful) "What's gotten into you?" just tell them the truth. That you have been in therapy and are trying to knock down some walls that you built keeping you from being the you want to be and not the expected you.

In time.... All will be revealed. When you are more prepared and able to take on the challenge

[kasspurple]

JoanneB,

  Thank you for sharing your experiences.  Much of what you said struck a note with me, would you be open to answering a few questions I have via private message?

[JoanneB]

No prob

[Tessa James]

Much has been said and written about being vulnerable rather than hiding or staying in the closet.  Perhaps Like you, coming out and accepting myself was the first hurdle.  Then I worked with a therapist and darling spouse to come out and tell my truth.  The truth can set us free and for me it was/is huge liberation and gigantic weight off my shoulders.  Until I finally gave up the "man act" I simply did not know how hard I had been working to maintain an image.  Fear, shame and guilt for telling our truth is simply not sustainable without increasing dysphoria.  Secrets keep us vulnerable.

Years later I am continuing to feel both challenge and occasional euphoria as my more consistently authentic self.  You're self worth, respect and dignity are in the balance.  Who are we really?  I urge anyone and everyone to be true to themselves.

Coming out is unpredictable tho and some cannot wait to spread the gossip.  Others are more genuine and respond to our vulnerability by sharing some of theirs and actually becoming closer friends and allies.  I suggest it is far better to own our truth and be the one to tell our story.  No one else is going to get that narrative right.

[kasspurple]

Thanks Tessa.  I think one of my concerns is sharing that narrative and having it used against me.  Even my sister could actually do some real harm if she were so inclined, but I do not think she would.  It leaves me in a confused state and aggravates the guild and dysphoria cause I want to, but there is that lingering fear that doing so could quite literally send my life down a path that is so much more dark in other ways.

[Michelle_P]

Yes!  Vulnerability is how we allow ourselves to connect with others.  Keeping ourselves invulnerable, hiding inside ourselves behind some persona, may seem to protect us from harm but it is so emotionally damaging. 

I need to get out more.  Really out.  (It's almost a constant psychic itch now.)