Go as myself or not?

[KathyLauren]

Next month, we are going to a fundraising dinner with an "evening in Paris" theme.  The idea is to wear something bling-y.  I am tempted to go as myself, because women's clothes are much more fun than men's.  But it would be my first time ever out as myself.

I am out to the organizers of the dinner.  Of the other people there, we are on "I recognize the face but not the name" terms with one or two.  The rest are strangers.

If I go as Kathy, I would have to get a wig and do some basic make-up.  Eek!  On the other hand, I will have to start presenting in public before long.  I expect to start on hormones in the next couple of months, so after that I'll have to be ready to present as a woman.

If I go as the old me, I'll need to get a suit.  It's not worth buying a good suit for one night.  Maybe I'd rent one?  I was looking at the second-hand store, but they have crap.  It doesn't help that men's clothes are a major source of dysphoria for me.  Just looking at all the @#$% boring gray suits on the rack gave me a big hit of depression.

What do you all think?

[Aethersong]

It's really what would be more comfortable for you and what support you might have.  If you feel you need convincing your prob better playing it safe perhaps.

I can only speak for myself when it came to presenting as myself in public early on.  It took a bit of time before I was ready and also 6-7 months on hormones.  Even then then it took another 3-4 months to feel more or less "comfortable" presenting as myself after I had gone full time.

Of course really my decision to present as myself in public eventually boiled down to I just couldn't stand "guy mode" anymore.  I had no interest myself in flip flopping back and forth on presentation, it was all or nothing for me when I decided.

[BirlPower]

Sounds like a great opportunity. Especially since most of the people there would be strangers. Do you have someone supportive to go with? Perhaps you could try going out as yourself a few times in advance to get over the worst of the fear. A drive, a trip to the pictures(movies) a wander round the shopping centre etc.

I know how you feel about looking at male clothes. All of mine are getting a bit old and I can't bring myself to shop for replacements. I just wear womens shirts and trousers instead.

Good luck whatever you decide.

B

[tgirlamg]

Sounds like a great opportunity. Especially since most of the people there would be strangers. Do you have someone supportive to go with? Perhaps you could try going out as yourself a few times in advance to get over the worst of the fear. A drive, a trip to the pictures(movies) a wander round the shopping centre etc.

I know how you feel about looking at male clothes. All of mine are getting a bit old and I can't bring myself to shop for replacements. I just wear womens shirts and trousers instead.

Good luck whatever you decide.

B

Hi Kathy!!!

Sound advice... I too think a few test runs before hand will work out the bugs and give you a sense of what to expect... Maybe a department store or clothes shopping at the mall early in the day when they aren't crowded... Confidence translates pretty directly into body posture and how you carry yourself. So don't look down and carry yourself like you belong there!!!... Because, you do!!!

Since you indicate you'll be starting HRT... I assume with the end goal of transitioning,... This will give you a taste of things to come and really let you know if this is your path in life.

I hope all goes well for you!!!!

Onward we go!!!!... Btw... Love your kitty!!!! ='.'=

Ashley

[DawnOday]

Want to do a test run? Starbucks is trans friendly and their Baristas have been trained to protect their trans customers. This is a great step in the right direction.

[Devlyn]

Of course you should go as yourself! If you don't, then go as me, I'm very popular!   
You gotta get your feet wet at some point, girl. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[HappyMoni]

Kathy,
   I guess I wonder how much pressure this would put on you. Above all, I would want a first time out to be a positive experience. Some folks are bolder than others. Do you feel like you could enjoy it or are you doing it because you think you should?
Moni

[KathyLauren]

Thanks, everyone!  I love it that I can ask a question and get a variety of opinoins for perspective.

While it is tempting to go as myself for a variety of reasons, I am not ready yet.  Yes, I could get the clothes and a wig.  But there is the masculine facial structure without HRT, there is the voice, there is the lack of makeup skills.  I would look like a man in drag, not me, and I would absolutely hate that.

It's an annual event, so maybe by next year I'll be ready.

I do appreciate the feedback!

[HappyMoni]

Hey Kathy,
   Any thoughts on starting to get out there in a less pressure packed situation? When I first went out I had many of the thoughts you expressed. I forced myself to be in public, to experience things fully knowing I was probably not close to passing. At times it was good, at times not. It turned out to be something that set the table for future progress. What I am currently learning is that every day I am full time, I do it as a "work in progress." I remind myself of that constantly to battle  my insecurities. The payoff? I get to be me, Happy Moni with a (small) "side" of paranoia. lol
Moni

[PrincessCrystal]

Personally, right now I'm trying to learn how to pass before I start showing up to (safe) public events.  I'd suggest you make sure you look pretty, have some other girls give you makeovers and advice, and work on your voice (that's a very important step).  Obviously, you should also talk to the organizers you are out to first to see what they say...

[KathyLauren]

@Moni, I am taking it in small steps.  Right now my priority is to get my HRT started.  Then, I will start working on my presentation.  That's why going to the fundraiser would have been a mistake: it was too big a step.

I know of one coffee shop in a nearby town that is trans-friendly; at least one of the baristas is trans.  So, maybe when I have a reasonable presentation, my wife and I will go there.  We also like going to the theatre, which might be a good opportunity to go out as myself: no one will really be looking at me.  In the meantime, we have had people visit us with me dressed as Kathy.  Just last night, our next door neighbours were over for a nice chat.  It was fun and I felt quite relaxed.  Just four ladies having dessert and having a good talk, and I didn't feel at all out of place.

@Crystal, You have hit the nail on the head.  Those are exactly the things I need to work on.  The event organizers are fine with me either way.  They might even be disappointed if I don't show up as Kathy.  But I think that would be too much too soon.

[JoanneB]

I tend to agree with the way too much too soon without some test drives beforehand. A gala dinner is not quite the venue I would choose. To my support group meeting, therapist, mall, sure. Annual gala dinner?, Seven years later now I would.

It doesn't help that men's clothes are a major source of dysphoria for me.  Just looking at all the @#$% boring gray suits on the rack gave me a big hit of depression.

Suits, slacks, shirts, any guy stuff I always hated shopping for. So much so I'd run in to get something being out far faster then doing the same in guy mode in the womens department back in the day.

[HappyMoni]

Kathy,
Are there any transgender conferences within traveling distance? They are a lot of fun. Support groups? The more you do, the easier it gets.
Moni

[KathyLauren]

Kathy,
Are there any transgender conferences within traveling distance? They are a lot of fun. Support groups? The more you do, the easier it gets.
Moni

No conferences that I am aware of. 

I do attend a support group most weeks.  Once I can do a reasonable presentation, I will dress for that.  Right now, when I go, I dress androgynously enough to not be disrespectful to the other members while avoiding getting mugged on the way from and to the car.

I am not in a rush, thanks in part to the advice in this thread.  When I do go out dressed as myself, I want to give passersby a reasonable chance to not misgender me on first sight.

[PrincessCrystal]

It's also been pointed out to me that one does not necessarily HAVE to pass: if it's an event where you know the organisers, and anyone has a problem, then what are they really going to do?  Insult and try to expose someone who may just be a mannish looking ciswoman?. Who knows the event runners and is with someone?  In front of everyone?

No one's going to risk that kind of social faux-pas to just be rude, and if they do, just have you and your friends act offended and make them feel ostracised.  That'll shut 'em up real quick...

[MugwortPsychonaut]

Always be yourself, everywhere, always.

[HappyMoni]

I am not terribly far away from "presenting" for the first time(s) myself. My view is that it should be a positive experience. There are some of us who just bust out and right out of the gate and are not self conscious  at all. I am envious. For others like me, it is a process. It isn't even about what someone else might say or do. It is about how we feel. Yes we should be proud and present as ourselves whenever we want. In a perfect world, that is how it would be. In reality, we have to battle our view of things that society has had us internalize. We have to build confidence.
As I am full time for a relatively short period of time, I am still encountering situations for the first time as Monica. I went to buy a car. Because I have a history of working on cars, by the time I was done, I was pretty sure it was obvious that I was trans. Like Crystal said, we do not necessarily have to pass. I am still learning that it is okay if strangers see me as trans. It is not preferred for me, but it is okay.
Moni

[tgirlamg]

Hi Monica!

You have touched on the secret here... Life gets much easier when you only have to worry about passing as what we are..   transwomen... it is all about self acceptance and being okay with who you are... Knowing that we have a place in the world just like everyone else...

Take Care,

Ashley

[chris.deee]

Hi Monica!

You have touched on the secret here... Life gets much easier when you only have to worry about passing as what we are..   transwomen... it is all about self acceptance and being okay with who you are... Knowing that we have a place in the world just like everyone else...

Take Care,

Ashley

Truer words were never spoken. 

[KathyLauren]

Problem solved. 

I know I'm not ready to go as Kathy, so the only remaining question was what to wear in guy mode that would not be too dysphoric.  My wife dug out my old Air Force mess dress from nearly 40 years ago.  I'd had it let out for our wedding, 13 years ago, and havn't worn it since.  Well, miracle of miracles, it still fits!  There's even room in the waist to accommodate a sizeable meal.

It's bling-y enough for the event, and it is kind of fun for a penguin suit.  So, no dysphoric guy-clothes shopping for me.