So many questions

[TX16]

Here I go again with questions. I have so many. (This is long, I apologize. I didn't mean for it to get so long winded. To save time, I put my questions in bold.)

So most of the questions I am going to ask are general and can be answered by any trans person. Some might be more based on FTM experiences, but really, if you had a similar experience, in your own way, feel free to answer.

Today I find myself being unsure. So I come here to ask questions about that. I am pre everything, as some might already know (if you read my other post). I can't come out to my husband right now. I mean, I probably could, but I am choosing to wait so I don't add stress to his already stressful college life. Today I have been asking myself if I really want this, if I really am trans, and all of that. Obviously a gender therapist will be able to help me find the answers, but I can't see a GT right now due to my husband not knowing. I don't want to sneak behind his back anymore than I already am, and it would be a very big risk of him finding out if they ever called here to confirm anything, which does happen often with doctors and stuff like that.

I realize that no one here (to my knowledge) is a gender therapist. I am not asking anyone to diagnose me or anything like that. I just want to hear from others on if any of you have had these same questions.

Have you ever felt unsure? Any doubts? Fears? Worries?

I am so worried about making a mistake. I have a while before I can start to transition, so I have plenty of time to try and figure things out fully, and when I do come out, I will be seeing a GT. I am worried though. What if I take the plunge, start transitioning, get on T, have top surgery, etc, and then regret it? For me, there is a high possibility of losing my husband and financial security. So I keep asking myself if this is really what I want. Because if I go through with it, I lose a lot. I want to believe that I will gain a lot, but what if I don't? What if I risk everything and then end up regretting it? I would never be able to get what I have now, back.

If you had doubts before you started to transition, did the doubts ever go away? Did transitioning help? Do you still have doubts from time to time?

Is anyone ever 100% sure? Is there anyone that never questioned it, just knew and accepted it and never once had a single doubt?

Okay onto my more FTM related questions, but like I said, anyone can answer them if you have had a similar, yet different, experience. It goes hand in hand with my doubts.

I don't have a lot of dysphoria. It spikes up sometimes. Like when I am working out, and I do jumping jacks, and my breast suddenly become painfully noticeable for me. I mean I can't exactly ignore them, they are quite large. At times I am able to just ignore them, but then others I start to wish so badly that they weren't there, and I cross my arms over them instead of under, trying to hide them from my own view.

I want a penis. Which is funny, because there doesn't seem to be much in the form of getting that. I could be wrong, I haven't done much research on bottom surgery, but from what I have seen, it looks bleak, and pretty painful to get anything even remotely close to what I want. I have sad outlook on that, and realize I will probably never have what I want. I don't really have dysphoria over my lower region, but I do want a penis instead of a vagina.

I remember having a dream when I was a kid, a very vivid dream that I can still remember to this day. I had a penis in that dream, and it wasn't anything weird, it was just completely normal and okay. I masturbated in my dream and when I woke up I was sad to realize it was just a dream and I would never be able to have that, or experience that. I haven't had any dreams like that since, now most of my dreams, of the sexual nature, revolve around me being the male in the encounter.

Has anyone else had dreams like this? (see above)

Next question, and sorry, I didn't expect this to get so long.

I have always been in what people consider heterosexual relationships. Always had boyfriends, then my husband. I had one girlfriend several several years ago. We only dated for like two to four months. However, I enjoyed it a lot for one reason. I felt like I was in control, for lack of a better word. I felt like I was the dominant person there. For lack of better phrasing, I felt like the man in the relationship and I loved it. When I was with my boyfriends, and how I am now with my husband, I don't feel like I am the "dominant" partner. Again, there could be a better word here, but this is the best I can describe my feelings. I felt like I relied on them, they supported me (even when I had my own job and income), and they spoiled me, etc. But with my girlfriend, I felt like the tables had turned. She needed me, I took care of her, I spoiled her. I had so much more confidence and enjoyed it.

Is this weird? Wrong? Has anyone had similar experiences? Like, I know that both parties in a relationship are equal, it isn't me wanting to be above someone, it is just... I feel more confident when I think about being "the man" in a relationship. By "the man" I mean how society puts views on such things. I am probably not making any sense.

All I know, and this goes with my unsure, is that when I think about myself already having transitioned, and being a man, I feel so much more confident. I am less afraid, I am happier, I love the image I get. I imagine myself going out in public, being a man, and looking like one. Broad shoulders, muscular body, facial hair, deeper voice, male pronouns, and I just, I really love that image. The idea makes me so very happy. I just worry if reality will make me happy too.

Sorry for this being so long and rambly.

[Jacqueline]

Question Trent,

Would husband mind or would it be bad to just see a therapist? If his college is stressful I  assume stress effects all. You could get a head start(if they happen to work with LGBTQ community, serendipity).

Have you ever felt unsure? Any doubts? Fears? Worries?

I think we all have and do. I don't know of one person who is in process that does not do all of the things in that question. You are not alone. I think the question you ask at the end about losing a lot is true for us all. Many of us got to a point of self harm or destructive activities(at best) or transition. It may not have to be that drastic but turn the question around too. What do you and those around you have to gain from you progressing...

If you had doubts before you started to transition, did the doubts ever go away? Did transitioning help? Do you still have doubts from time to time?

Is anyone ever 100% sure? Is there anyone that never questioned it, just knew and accepted it and never once had a single doubt?

I don't think the doubts ever go away until you accept yourself and transition as far as makes you happy and whole. I think we have some members on here who are 100% sure, but I also think they transitioned more than 10 years ago.

There are people who knew they were trans when they were 4 and 6 and 8. I am pretty sure that when in the midst of it, they had doubts. Even if the day before, they were 100 %. If you were to read the posts of some of the people documenting going to, results of and healing from surgery, you see it there too. They were all in and had paid tens of thousands of dollars and had spots of being unsure.

I think for most of us transitioning has helped. I am only part way. I am not sure how far I need to go but suspect it will be all the way. I would/will hate to lose my wife and family. She supports me but honestly told me she is not sure if she can stay with me if I go all the way. At the same time. She has never seen me more whole and happy. She won't let me de transition. She also recognizes and once said, "I can't do that to you . I love you and you would resent me."

It is normal for depression to come and go in cycles. Dysphoria is usually there but sometimes hidden behind being busy or interacting with others.

Yes it is hard. Stigmas are hard, losing one thing to gain another is hard and choices of true life vs acceptance from norms... tough call.

That's all I can answer so far. Sorry.

I hope your path smooths out soon.

With warmth,

Joanna

[KathyLauren]

I doubt if there are many people on this forum who have not / do not have doubts.  The "WT* am I doing" experience is common.  When it happens, I just take a deep breath take a step back from the thought, and remind myself why I am on this path.

Right now, I am in the middle of my Hormone Readiness Assessment (one appointment done out of probably three).  This is a standard part of the Standards of Care that are followed by most professionals.  You will most likely have a similar assessment before you will be prescribed hormones.  Among the things they check for are how committed you are to transitioning.  They do not want you to get yourself in the position of having to de-transition, especially not after undergoing irrevokable surgery.

So one of the jobs of the gender therapist is to help you navigate through those fears to end up on the best path for you.

This is real life, so nothing is ever 100% sure.  Even people who say they are 100% sure probably aren't.  But 99% sure is good enough for crossing the road, getting on airplanes, etc, so not being 100% sure is just part of life.

It is good to ask yourself these questions, but don't stress about it.

[DawnOday]

Have you ever felt unsure? Any doubts? Fears? Worries? Only my whole life and then I saw Jazz Jennings and I saw hope.

If you had doubts before you started to transition, did the doubts ever go away? Did transitioning help? Do you still have doubts from time to time?  I've really had not doubts with myself, it's everybody else that I'm scared of.
Is anyone ever 100% sure? Is there anyone that never questioned it, just knew and accepted it and never once had a single doubt I've known all my life but I have mostly not progressed because I didn't want to hurt other peoples feelings. So my parents have passed, My grandma has passed, my aunts and uncles have passed. I thought my wife would understand because she has known of my problems with sexual identity before we got married 31 years ago. But I just realized I may have to move out and I'm good with that. My kids are grown and I really have nobody left to answer to.
Has anyone else had dreams like this? Only every night, every day, every waking moment. I've prayed, made deals with the devil yet it was always in my hands to make the decision. And I bailed. And now I'm 65 and realize I am not invincible and if I want to experience some time with the person I was meant to be, something had to be done. It was a decision I made on my own, I did not consult with my wife. So she is a little po'd at me. But I have provided a good life for her, we had two children, I don't know how as we are so incompatible. But I do love her. She is my rock. It was never my intention to hurt her but I did want to address the anger and outbursts and the general doubt that's always been a part of me. We are on different ends of the spectrum as you think being a male is wonderful and I would do anything to be in your shoes and function like a woman. I learned having a penis does not make you a man anymore than a uterus makes you woman. It's much more than body parts.

Moderator Edit: Lets remember we don't allow bashing on the site.

[SailorMars1994]

Doubts are lame. Good news for me I can narrow myself down by knowing I am girly myself ! So am I a fem boy or a trans girl. Before this mild unsureness, I was going from extremes. Beings a girly girl and one point () to being masculine man the next ( ), doubts suck trust me I know, and it takes time but you are among friends

[TX16]

Thank you all for the answers and assurances, it has really helped.

Question Trent,

Would husband mind or would it be bad to just see a therapist? If his college is stressful I  assume stress effects all. You could get a head start(if they happen to work with LGBTQ community, serendipity).
I think we all have and do. I don't know of one person who is in process that does not do all of the things in that question. You are not alone. I think the question you ask at the end about losing a lot is true for us all. Many of us got to a point of self harm or destructive activities(at best) or transition. It may not have to be that drastic but turn the question around too. What do you and those around you have to gain from you progressing...

My husband is against therapist in general sadly. He has had very bad experiences with them in the past, so now he doesn't think they are worth anytime. I might bring it up of me seeing a therapist to him in a few months, but I definitely can't right now. He knows about gender therapist, as I told him I wanted to see one when I first came out to him. Since he now thinks that I am not feeling that way anymore, I don't want to plant any doubts and cause issues before I am ready to fully deal with them.

I will be absent through the weekend and Monday, as my husband will be home. Keep the answers coming though if anyone else wishes to give input. I will happily respond to post on Tuesday. Thank you everyone. You've really helped.

[Kylo]

Have you ever felt unsure? Any doubts? Fears? Worries?

Unsure? No. Doubts? Never doubted that I really cannot be a woman to the full (my whole life has been spent instinctively avoiding all the things my women friends are currently doing and enjoying). Worries? Yes. What if T reacts badly to my system and I can't take it any more? Taking T is what masculinizes most dramatically, so without it I would neither look nor feel appropriate. What if there are other medical complications down the line? What if I look super young even on T etc. Fears? I have a phobia of surgery, so there's that to deal with. I'm not afraid I'll regret anything though. My life is stymied by being trans. I would never, ever miss that female chest. I will never have kids and so I'm not going to miss the equipment. I don't like or use the junk so I won't miss that either. Female privileges? Well you can't have your cake and eat it too, there are sacrifices and responsibilities that come with being a man and I accept that.

If you had doubts before you started to transition, did the doubts ever go away? Did transitioning help? Do you still have doubts from time to time?

I had more doubts at the beginning than I do now. Time really helps get the thing sorted in the mind. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted T. Now I'm completely sure and ready. etc.

Is anyone ever 100% sure? Is there anyone that never questioned it, just knew and accepted it and never once had a single doubt?

I'm probably more sure than most. It's not that I never questioned it, I question everything as a rule, it's that knowing something and allowing the pieces of the puzzle fall into place does require time. Nobody can know something like this in a flash of an instant and be absolutely sure of it, it is a very complex interplay of feelings and memories and sensations, after all.

Has anyone else had dreams like this?
Yep. Often. And in the dream it wasn't something odd and alien or noticeable that actually waking up with a penis might be if you'd spent your whole life without one and suddenly there it was. It was normal in the dream, like something that had been there all my life. It wasn't a surprise or a shock, and I only became especially aware of it once I'd woken up and recalled.


Is this weird? Wrong? Has anyone had similar experiences? Like, I know that both parties in a relationship are equal, it isn't me wanting to be above someone, it is just... I feel more confident when I think about being "the man" in a relationship. By "the man" I mean how society puts views on such things. I am probably not making any sense.

Sometimes people's personalities do better in control, and other people do better having someone take the helm instead.
I approach relationships as both people are equal, although when it comes to decisions that affect me and my life, I am 100% in control of those, no ifs or buts. I decide everything that gets to happen to me. In return, I don't tell my partner how to live their life, and they get full control over anything relating to themselves. So I've never experienced someone else "wearing the pants" because only one person wears the pants in my life and that's me. In decisions that relate to a relationship I'll share a pair of pants, but I'm very strict and particular about not being told what to do with my life, from the start.

As for whether I prefer to be the "stronger" or "initiator" in a relationship, yes, I do. Mentally, I've always been the more resilient partner in my relationships and the one who looks for the answers and acts on them. Physically, in my first one I was not stronger or larger than my partner. At the time I didn't think a great deal of it, but in my second relationship it so happened that I was indeed the same height and physically stronger than my cis male SO, and I'm not gonna say I don't enjoy not being towered over because I do. If I were taller I'd probably feel even better about that. I think it's just the added physical security that comes with being large or strong. But in general terms, I wouldn't tolerate a personality that was exactly like mine. I appear to have gelled in relationships with people who are less dominant because I am more so. It wouldn't work if they tried to tell me what to do.

One thing to note - some may still think men are "above" women, but we all know who's really in charge of who gets sex and how the nest is run in het relationships, and it ain't us 

[JoanneB]

Have you ever felt unsure? Any doubts? Fears? Worries?

Seven years and counting worth of doubts. Something like this is BIG. I have a very well ensconced "Male" life after my 2 failed "transition experiments" in my early 20's. A good portion of that life would be put at risk. Funny thing a good part of my life, as in ability to breath, eat, etc., was also at risk if I didn't so something about how I was NOT Handling being trans. Something I had absolutely zero doubt for the better part of 40-50 years.

... so I have plenty of time to try and figure things out fully, and when I do come out, I will be seeing a GT. I am worried though. What if I take the plunge, start transitioning, get on T, have top surgery, etc, and then regret it?

So I see you are an "All or Nothing" person, or just don't know that gender is not binary? Being trans means you are somewhere in the spectrum between cis-male & cis-female. There is a whole lot of middle ground there. I know because I there, and so are many others. I've been on HRT for 7 years, have breasts my wife is jealous (and not too happy) of, and still live and present primarily as male.

If you had doubts before you started to transition, did the doubts ever go away? Did transitioning help? Do you still have doubts from time to time?

I had a ton of "WT* Am I Doing " meltdowns early on. Not all hormone related either. Yet one unmistakable fact I could not avoid, everything I was doing to help heal myself was indeed making me a better and happier person

Is anyone ever 100% sure? Is there anyone that never questioned it, just knew and accepted it and never once had a single doubt?

I've heard some say absolutely, without a doubt, etc. I am hesitant to believe them. But then there is the "Transition or Die" factor when taking the plunge, being all in, is the only way they see living another day. Which I also heard from others, if not many many others

... I mean I can't exactly ignore them, they are quite large.

I sometimes wonder if large breasts are an indicator of being TG. Seems quite common to the FTM's I've known

... now most of my dreams, of the sexual nature, revolve around me being the male in the encounter ...
Has anyone else had dreams like this?

Same here, except the other way around. Scary for me since for about 50 years I was never attracted towards guys and back 30 years ago the reality of being with a guy was far from the fantasy. But I suspect today's reality is a lot different

I have always been in what people consider heterosexual relationships....
Is this weird? Wrong? Has anyone had similar experiences? Like, I know that both parties in a relationship are equal, it isn't me wanting to be above someone, it is just... I feel more confident when I think about being "the man" in a relationship. By "the man" I mean how society puts views on such things. I am probably not making any sense.

My wife always knew of my "Gender Issues" from day one. At that time I had settled on being "Just a CD", having my monthly or so escape from maleness.  Anyway... she knew and exploited the fem side of me in the bedroom. Somehow I suspect she knew that about the only way I could orgasm was to get way deep into my fantasy of being the woman.

All I know, and this goes with my unsure, is that when I think about myself already having transitioned, and being a man, I feel so much more confident. I am less afraid, I am happier, I love the image I get. I imagine myself going out in public, being a man, and looking like one. Broad shoulders, muscular body, facial hair, deeper voice, male pronouns, and I just, I really love that image. The idea makes me so very happy. I just worry if reality will make me happy too.

I now use the dictionary definition for "Transition to keep from driving myself crazy or into the depths of a GD depression. Same applies to "Non-Binary", which is my current, and near future, reality.

In a perfect world I would go full time. But the risk is too high. For me my gender identity is (or was) like 20% of the totality of what makes me, Me. Most days I would like to transition, but I do not feel I Need to. If that balance shifts the other way, well, then I would need to, and I now know I have the inner strength I lacked 30+ years ago as well as knowing the joy of being out in the real world as the real me. Needing to, kind of negates the "Risks". 

GCS, or other ops... Don't know. I mostly have a body I now enjoy living in. I read a lot of self help books and began seeing a therapist to help me loose the ton or so of baggage I accumulated over a lifetime of not really handling being trans. I am no longer that lifeless, soulless "Thing" I devolved into over the decades of trying to keep all those corks underwater. I grew tremendously as a person compared to what I was almost 8 years when my life went into the toilet, Again. These days I see a for real gender therapist. Funny, like the breakdown for my Gender ID, about half the time is about that, vs all the other stuff happening in my life that tends to feed the negativity and depression I can work myself into which then feeds the GD, which then....

In other words, I transitioned. I "Changed", a lot. A lot for the better. Emotionally, Spiritually, as well as some physically. Both of my therapist had asked me a hypothetical question, "What would be different if Joanne showed up to work tomorrow?". Both time the instant response I blurted was "Nothing". OK, a bit to a lot more feeling Genuine. But as a person, nothing. I would be no different then I am today. Oh yes, also the ton of dropped jaws as this 6ft tall bald headed old guy comes in looking pretty damn good in a dress and some makeup.

Sorry for this being so long and rambly. 

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Have you ever felt unsure? Any doubts? Fears? Worries?

It's normal to have doubts and worries about something as big as this. I was scared of being in between gender during transition and it hasn't been as bad as I thought but I'm glad I got top surgery quickly as opposed to being on T for a while first.

You are expressing fears about what is going to happen to your personal and financial life. I think if you look around there are a lot of people who fear for their marriages and it becomes the major obstacle to transition for them. Mostly MTF but some FTM too. (FTM tend to transition earlier in life and are thus less likely to be married with kids, I think. But you aren't alone in your situation by any means.)

I think your fears have foundation in reality. You need to think about where you want your life to be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. Will you be married? Will you have a career? Will you be a man--or a woman? How does visualizing this make you feel?

Then if you have goals you need to plan how you will achieve these goals.

One thing to keep in mind is that there are consequences to not transitioning. Gender dysphoria is life long. You don't grow out of it. It doesn't go away. Just witness the folks in their 60s on this forum talking about transitioning. For me personally the symptoms of dysphoria actually got worse over time and I deteriorated mentally and physically. I thought I was tough enough to tough it out but I really was just giving myself a chronic disease.

If you had doubts before you started to transition, did the doubts ever go away? Did transitioning help? Do you still have doubts from time to time?

As my transition goes on I have gotten more confident about the transition and the choices I have made. The way I responded to T was very confirmatory. If I had reacted badly, I could have always stopped it right then. But the changes were very positive. T improved my mental state and well being.

Sure I have doubts. I fear that I won't masculinize enough to pass and will have to fight being called ma'am for the rest of my life. I'm upset about the state of bottom surgery but also know that I really kinda want it, too. I'm concerned about my wife and how she's doing although she seems to be pretty good right now.

Is anyone ever 100% sure? Is there anyone that never questioned it, just knew and accepted it and never once had a single doubt?

Maybe some people, but not ever having any doubts is not really typical. You know, some people have psychological pathologies that cause them not to have normal fears, but you wouldn't want to live their lives, trust me.

I don't have a lot of dysphoria. It spikes up sometimes. Like when I am working out, and I do jumping jacks, and my breast suddenly become painfully noticeable for me. I mean I can't exactly ignore them, they are quite large. At times I am able to just ignore them, but then others I start to wish so badly that they weren't there, and I cross my arms over them instead of under, trying to hide them from my own view.

That's pretty normal dysphoria. It's worse when your attention is drawn to it. So I would ignore for most of the time that I had breasts and periods, then be miserable every time my attention was drawn to them. I hunched over so much trying to minimize the appearance of my breasts that I virtually lost a couple of inches. I feel like a taller person now that I stand up straight.

I want a penis. Which is funny, because there doesn't seem to be much in the form of getting that. I could be wrong, I haven't done much research on bottom surgery, but from what I have seen, it looks bleak, and pretty painful to get anything even remotely close to what I want. I have sad outlook on that, and realize I will probably never have what I want. I don't really have dysphoria over my lower region, but I do want a penis instead of a vagina.

You should check out gendercube's blog on tumblr. You should also look into something called metoidioplasty. Bottom surgery is more viable than you think. The problem with phalloplasty, well, the big one to me is that they have to take a LOT of your skin and you also have a lot of recovery time. But not everyone gets enough results from T to have a meta that they're happy with. I think some FTMs have partially masculinized genitals which take really well to T but if your genitals aren't masculinized at all, no amount of downstairs growth is going to change the shape of them.

Has anyone else had dreams like this?

I haven't, but I tend to imagine myself as a male in sexual fantasy, which seems to be pretty common for trans people.

I have always been in what people consider heterosexual relationships. Always had boyfriends, then my husband. I had one girlfriend several several years ago. We only dated for like two to four months. However, I enjoyed it a lot for one reason. I felt like I was in control, for lack of a better word. I felt like I was the dominant person there. For lack of better phrasing, I felt like the man in the relationship and I loved it. When I was with my boyfriends, and how I am now with my husband, I don't feel like I am the "dominant" partner. Again, there could be a better word here, but this is the best I can describe my feelings. I felt like I relied on them, they supported me (even when I had my own job and income), and they spoiled me, etc. But with my girlfriend, I felt like the tables had turned. She needed me, I took care of her, I spoiled her. I had so much more confidence and enjoyed it.

Is this weird? Wrong? Has anyone had similar experiences? Like, I know that both parties in a relationship are equal, it isn't me wanting to be above someone, it is just... I feel more confident when I think about being "the man" in a relationship. By "the man" I mean how society puts views on such things. I am probably not making any sense.

Well, you may have some issues in how you are perceiving these situations but I admit I can relate. I never wanted to date anyone who was more butch than me because it made me feel like I was the femme and that made me very dysphoric. As if I needed to take a male gender role in a relationship. I mean on one level I guess it makes me seem like I have a fragile ego ... I couldn't stand to follow when dancing either. It made me hate dancing.

I'm not a macho person, but I'm not a woman, I don't think like a woman, and I don't want to be put in the role of a woman. Does that make sense?

All I know, and this goes with my unsure, is that when I think about myself already having transitioned, and being a man, I feel so much more confident. I am less afraid, I am happier, I love the image I get. I imagine myself going out in public, being a man, and looking like one. Broad shoulders, muscular body, facial hair, deeper voice, male pronouns, and I just, I really love that image. The idea makes me so very happy. I just worry if reality will make me happy too.

Sounds like you are answering your own question here. If you really want the changes that will come with T, you are probably not going to have too many issues if you go on T. If you think you will be happy socially transitioning, you probably will be.

Sure, you can have times of worse dysphoria during the transition process, but there are many people who have transitioned and had their dysphoria eased. HRT and surgery really does work. I can tell you for myself that having my breasts removed has been immensely freeing and a positive thing in my life, and HRT has reduced my dysphoria to a much more manageable level.

[TX16]

Again thank you for all the responses. All of them were very helpful. Made me realize that my doubts are normal. I definitely needed that.

On I go, taking everything one day at a time. I don't know when, or if, I will be 100% sure on this, but I am more sure with every passing day. It is on my mind all of the time, to the point where keeping my mind occupied with other things is the only source of relief I have (for thinking on it anyway).