Not sure what to do to sexually

[Ilovemahal]

I do not know if this is to graphic to post.

I am lost sexually.

If my fiancee gets an erection during sex, she masturbates when we have finished.

To use some outdated classifications, I consider myself "heterosexual".  I have never had sex with a penis other than my own, nor do I desire to.  Men do not turn me on.  I am only turned on by women.

So here is the paradox of sorts, I want to satisfy my fiancee sexually no matter what it takes.

Let me start from the beginning (not the full beginning, just part).

My fiancee has always presented herself as a woman.  Her sexual identity is female (of sorts).  She is from the Philippians and Ladyboys (her terminology, not derogatory in her mind) are somewhat accepted.  So she presents as a woman, but will be truthful about being transgender.

Due to certain situations in her past, she does not consider herself as a real girl.  I tell her she is a real girl, and what is between her legs does not define who she is.  Her heart, mind, and spirit define her, and they define her as a real girl.  And that is who I fell in love with.

At first, she hid herself in her panties, but with my love and support, I as able to make her comfortable being fully naked with me.  She hid her penis because she felt her "heterosexual" man (she asked me if I was gay or bi) preferred vagina.  I told her I love her and a vagina was not important to me, she was.  So I asked to see her penis whenever nudity would be appropriate to prove to her that her lack of a vagina did not matter, I loved her and accepted whatever her body came with.

I am not gay or bi, I never considered sex with a penis, but I would with her because I love her.  I have offered, but she refused because I as "straight".  She said if I was bi or gay she would gladly accept oral or let me masturbate her, yet she also said that if I masturbated her or gave her oral, it would make her feel like a boy (which I never would want to do).

So I am confused, but I also think I understand.

I believe she wants me to, but doesn't want to impose on my 'heterosexuality", so uses the "feel like a boy" reason to "spare" me.  I definitely respect that and would never want her to feel that way, but why feel that way with a straight guy and not a bi or gay guy.

So I believe she would enjoy it as a woman from me, however my "straightness" is getting in the way.

I have told her it will not change me, and it will not.  If we ever separated, I would not actively seek out a penis, however if my next girlfriend had one it would not be a deal breaker (this is actually a moot point as we are getting married).

I truly breaks my heart to see her masturbate herself after she has totally rocked my world.  I want to do everything I can to satisfy her.  We are getting married this month and I want to be able to give her the pleasure she gives me.

So now that I rambled, let me recap so maybe someone can give me a suggestion to help us.

- I am "straight", but willing to masturbate or perform oral on my wife to be to help her orgasm.

- She says that would make her feel like a boy, but would gladly receive it from me if I as gay or bi.

- I believe the "feel like a boy" statement is for my benefit so I don't feel bad about not satisfying her.  I believe this because if I was to satisfy her this way as a straight man, it makes her feel like a boy, but satisfying her this way as a bi or gay man does not make her feel like a boy.

- So how do I convince her that I can still be "straight" and satisfy her in this way.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

[Jacqueline]

Ilovemahal,

I don't know that this is too graphic. While you are a significant other I feel the questions you are asking are really more for our trans members(from their perspective?) I plan to move the topic to a category called Sexuality.

Sincerely,

Joanna

[SadieBlake]

I'd say the best thing to do is recognize that here and now she may not want you to bring her to orgasm.

As a feminine person with a masculine body I know how to get myself off and I've had to be comfortable with that if I want orgasms without a partner. I have also always felt self conscious about receiving oral and have never been able to get to orgasm from that alone.

I'm guessing here so could be wrong, still this is how it sounds to me.

She may be getting thrown into dysphoria simply from having sex and she may be engaging because it's important to you.

Needing to "fix things" is a fairly stereotypical male behavior. You may want to accept that being comfortable could be more important to her than orgasms in sex or who makes the orgasms happen.

I know dysphoria makes it hard for me to let go and allow another person to be in control. If that, or something similar what's happening with her, recognize that you probably can't fix it.

[Ilovemahal]

Thank you for your input Sadie.

I don't think that is the case.  We had discussed sex and we agreed that she would not do anything because she thought I wanted or expected it.  We would only do what she was comfortable with.

I'm not trying to fix anything, I want to bring her as much pleasure she brings me.

Also, she has said if I was bi or gay, she would be receptive to me giving her oral or masturbating her, but because I am "straight", she said it would make her feel like a boy.

I'm perplexed.

[CarlyMcx]

Just a thought.  And I will try to be as delicate as I can with this.

If you are a straight male, having sex with a penis that has a pretty girl attached to the other end of it does not make you gay or bi.  Somewhere on the web there is a video of a shrink discussing this, but I have no memory of where it is.

Your fiancee might be afraid that if you perform acts on her penis, that you will like it a little too much.  Not in terms of being gay or bi, but in terms of discovering that you prefer sex with a girl that has a penis.  Bear in mind, in the Philippines, "gay" is a generic catchall term that is used not only to refer to gay men, but also to refer to crossdressers, MTF transgenders, and any male that is gender nonconforming. 

Her fear might be that if she later has reassignment surgery then you would lose interest in her and seek out other transgender girls who have not yet had surgery.  And in my experience, this is a "thing."  I've heard a few anecdotes from transgender girls who lost a steady boyfriend when they had reassignment surgery.

[Ilovemahal]

Thank you Carly,

If you are a straight male, having sex with a penis that has a pretty girl attached to the other end of it does not make you gay or bi.  Somewhere on the web there is a video of a shrink discussing this, but I have no memory of where it is.

That is what I believe also.  I am turned on by my girl and I do not care about what is between her legs. I have told her that now she has a penis, so I make love to her with a penis.  When she has a vagina, I'll make love to her with a vagina.  I said having a penis is part of who she is, and I love who she is.

Your fiancee might be afraid that if you perform acts on her penis, that you will like it a little too much.  Not in terms of being gay or bi, but in terms of discovering that you prefer sex with a girl that has a penis.  Bear in mind, in the Philippines, "gay" is a generic catchall term that is used not only to refer to gay men, but also to refer to crossdressers, MTF transgenders, and any male that is gender nonconforming. 

Her fear might be that if she later has reassignment surgery then you would lose interest in her and seek out other transgender girls who have not yet had surgery.  And in my experience, this is a "thing."  I've heard a few anecdotes from transgender girls who lost a steady boyfriend when they had reassignment surgery.

You may be on to something there.  Her last 2 boyfriends left her for a woman with a vagina, and that insecurity pops up from time to time and she worries I will do the same.  That insecurity is so deep seated, the reverse could be lingering also.

And you were quite delicate, thank you

[sid104]

I am same like your girlfriend.its hard to be convinced.If i would be her place that would be a difficult thing to convince..

[Marlee]

reading your post, I see a lot of tendency to want to "box up" yourself in a strict identity, Sounds like your GF does that to. so maybe you can take that approach. You care for her. So it shouldn't matter at all how intimacy plays out.

[BirlPower]

Perhaps when she masturbates herself you could hold her and kiss her and caress her to show your love and affection and make it feel like you are performing the act together. Over time this might break down the barrier and she would accept more from you.

Hugs
B

[SadieBlake]

Thank you for your input Sadie.

I don't think that is the case.  We had discussed sex and we agreed that she would not do anything because she thought I wanted or expected it.  We would only do what she was comfortable with.

I'm not trying to fix anything, I want to bring her as much pleasure she brings me.

Also, she has said if I was bi or gay, she would be receptive to me giving her oral or masturbating her, but because I am "straight", she said it would make her feel like a boy.

I'm perplexed.

So I don't think I was clear enough, what I suggested specifically would be how similar things have played out in my own life. I do feel you're projecting your needs (to please her).

So the core of what I'm trying to say to you would be listen to what she's told you and simply accept it.

Nobody can fully explain feelings, that's the nature of the game. If it's hard for her to let you in based on your orientation then simply accepting that will do more to earn her trust than anything else you could do.

Conversely, trying to convince her to go against that feeling is asking her to trust your evaluation of her situation over her own.

I'm clear you don't mean any harm by this, can you also put yourself in her shoes and accepting what she said, simply imagine that she actually means it?

Simple enough, no?

[LShipley]

I think I can relate to her..

I am the same way as her in that I would masturbate afterwards rather than wanting my guy to please that part of me. That's what I WANT. I don't want them to do anything to it just so I orgasm. The fulfillment and pleasure comes from being treated as a woman and to have a guy switch into that role would make me feel like anything but a woman.

Listen to her though. If in her eyes you pleasing her like that would make you gay or bi then it definitely seems like she just wants to be treated no different than another woman.

[jademt]

Ilovemahal,

I perfectly understand where your girlfriend is coming from. I have always identified as a female from my very first memories, and remember how hard it was to wrap my head around the idea when people told me I was a boy. I didn't understand it at first.

But with that in mind, as I grew older and learned I was a pansexual woman, I still wouldn't allow any of my bf's to touch my my then penis now matter if they were bisexual or pansexual. I would please them and allow them to penetrate me since I know it felt good for them, but touching my penis was strictly off limits no matter what. No matter how much my partners asked and pleaded to me to allow them to pleasure me, I was adamant about them not touching it. I can see how she will not allow you to touch or pleasure her if she feels uncomfortable with the idea. And I would respect her wishes. For me, the more my partner pushed the idea, the further away it pushed me from my partner. But afterwards I still would be aroused and touch myself in the shower or away from my bf for release.

Your gf seems more open to the idea of being touched there then I was. For me it was a mark of shame and I hated it. It didn't matter if it could bring me physical pleasure, the emotional damage and pain it caused was far stronger then any physical pleasure it could cause me. But I still would respect her wishes. She most likely understands and appreciates your good intentions, but you should try to take into account her emotional well being and wishes as well. I would be patient with her if/when she decides to get SRS.

[Ilovemahal]

Thank you all for your input.  I have been very busy with wedding plans, the wedding, and the honeymoon.

I would like to answer each of you personally, and will do so as soon as I can.

You have all been very insightful.

Thank you again