Starting again after surviving domestic abuse

[Blankyblank]

Hi all. This is my very first post back into this community since my transition 12 years ago. And I'm quite nervous about it and don't know where else to go for advice.

Before SRS in 2005 I meet a lovely cis
female we got on like a house on fire and were so close. It feltlike magic when I was around her.  She knew my past and it didn't bother her at all. We where great together and very much in love. 1 year after SRS we we're living together after buying a house.  Life was great.  We had a great sex life. Good jobs and great friends. I could never of hoped it turning out like this.

Then slowly 5 years ago my partner started to change. She  was the kind loving women. Replaced was a hard women with very little patience.. She started to have a terrible temper. Then slowly the abusive side of her nature started to show. First there was the mental/verbal abuse. Calling me every insulting trans name possible. Of course afterwards she would calm down and apologies.

I got use to it, she is just moody and I need to walk on eggshells around her. This went on for months.

I did think of  eaving her. But with my status I though this is best relationship I could get..

  I remember clearly the very first time she hit me. Which was a day before Xmas 2011 I was doing thee last minute Xmas shopping and was not able to get a present she had wanted. When I told her the shop was out of stock. She slapped me across the face and then punched me in the stomach. I fell down and then she abuse me as I sat on the ground balling my eyes out. Was told I should be more of a man and take it.

I had no Idea who to turn to for help. My parents who where not supportive of my transition. Thought I deserved it . To then i should be happy I found someone stupid enough to love me.

So this cycle when on for years. I learnt to hide the marks and bruises. If I went to get my hormones she would threaten to out me to everyone.  So I stopped taking them for 5 years.

I was always fit and outgoing but I changed so much. I became timid quite  and put on so much weight. Food became my coping method.  And this is how my life went. Trips to the e.r maybe once every 6 months. They waned to know how I was injuring myself but I didn't dare tell them. For one I knew it would make it worse..

So I kept quite. Everyone who knows me knew what was going on. But I could't reach our to them for help because I was stealth. And she would out me in a second.

I was trapped. Suicide was a constant thought. As a means of escape. But never followed up on it. Cause I didn't want my life to end like this.

So I resigned myself to this life. It was a good as it was ever going to be. I lived like this for 5 years.

Then 6 months ago after she had broken my jaw and knocked several of my teeth out. I finally manage to say to myself enough is enough.

When I was finally out of hospital. I didn't go back home.  I first  lived out of my car until I could move into a tiny apartment. After a few weeks I went back to our house with the police and packed up my stuff and never looked back

The fall out from moving out was she had outed me to everyone. Work. Friends. Everyone.  So in the end I nearly lost everything. But I survived..

I'm still employed. Turns out my boss didn't care. Just wanted his worker back

I'm now studying at night to be an aged care worker and also going to the gym 6 times a week. My weight I use to be 75kgs.. I'm now a 161kgs /cry. Will take awhile to get back to where I am. But I have learnt that I am stronger mentally than I ever thought.

I've stopped trying to get my parents approval of my life. After all this I don't think they are worth the effort.

Once i finish my course and get my weight under control I plan on moving states and trying to put this whole saga behind me. But I don't know if I will ever be that outgoing person again.

I'm not sure what I expect to get out of this. I think I just need a safe place to post this to get it off my chest.

Thanks for letting me rant..

[Blankyblank]

Sorry for any typos. Was all done on my phone. I don't have a computer or internet access at home.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. This is a support site and you clearly need support from people you are comfortable talking with. In return, I am sure that others will learn from your experience. As this is a support site it's heavily moderated so if you have any difficulty here, use the report to moderator button on the post you have issues with. We will make sure that this is a safe place for you to  heal and rejoin the world again. Should there be anything I can help you with, let me know.

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[cheryl reeves]

Did understand you bought a house with her,did you force a sale of the house and split the profits? It broke my heart reading your story,ive never been abused so don't have a clue to how people put up with it. I'm married to a beautiful cis female who knows me better then anyone and we been married 28 yrs  and she shares in my life both as make and female,and she is a terrific make up artist.

[Blankyblank]

Thanks for your kind words.
I never thought I would end up in an abusive relationship. And I can totally under stand why cis females stay in them. You feel worthless and you doubt yourself that you can do better. And somehow the mind gets use to the cycle of abuse.

Yes. We did buy a house and yes. We are in the process of selling it.

Edit: after finally putting this down in words I broke into a crying fit at work. Thankfully my boss let me go home early.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

You are a brave and strong person. It is hard to talk about these things. You know that you and every other human being deserve better than this in a relationship. What happened to you was wrong. Good for you on getting up the courage to walk away.

Trauma stays with us for a long time. It's the brain's way of trying to protect you from getting hurt again. I know because I've lived with the trauma of my childhood for my whole life. It will be difficult to trust someone in a relationship again and its difficult to trust yourself. Make sure you have a good support network and don't be afraid to reach out for help when you have those bad days.

[alex82]

Sorry for any typos. Was all done on my phone. I don't have a computer or internet access at home.

What a terrible time you've had. One of those things alone would be enough grief for someone, but altogether the toll must be immense.

I really recommend exposure therapy.

It's a counter intuitive concept, and you have to be very ready, with a therapist you trust completely. And really ready, no excuses, no postponing sessions, no thinking you're 'better' so you can stop early.

Look into it, and if you think you're ready, nothing works as well as that. Good luck with everything.

[Blankyblank]

Thanks everyone for your kind comments. I am recovering quite well at the moment. I am seeing a therapist and I'm also going to a domestic violence support group and that is helping quite slot.

I'm always keeping a positive attitude and just keep pulling myself forward.

I'm slowly getting my weight back under control. I'm down so 20 pounds already. Since I basically I'm living at the gym. But I'm making sure I recover and not break my body futher.

Our shared house is under offer and hopefully it will be settled in 6 weeks.

And I'm finally back on hormones again.

I will get there again