Struggling

[Its_Cayden]

Hello everyone, I'm just needing to rant off and listen to what people have to say. I shall try not to go into too much detail, bare with me. 😅 I'll start this off with a small introduction: My name is Cayden, I am 19 years old, female to male, and I have yet to undergo transitioning.

I have been out for I believe 3 years now, but have always known since a young age. There are pictures, times that I remember, and even from what everyone else tells me as proof as we always knew.  My whole family is Christain, so I went to a Christain school when I was young. I used to have them all call me and identify me as a boy. They were all for it, I got to dress in the male dress code, I thought it was great. I really believed I was just like every other male. I would make dumb little wishes upon shooting stars to make me have "boy parts". I despised the color pink, princess, anything qualifying girly. My parents would fight and argue with me about "how I was one" and so on so forth.

When I got switched to a public school, I remember there was a girl that called me a girl as well. How I was a lesbian. I instantly corrected her stating I was a boy like all the others. She bullied me for that. So I stopped and had everyone call me it, I refused the title of female. She tricked me into hanging out with her and friends at the park, (keep in mind I'm a skinny little thing) she picked me up, through me into the trash can, and kicked it down the hill, I laughed and just went him. I didn't tell my parents about what happened rather than I was dumpster diving. Was not about to have unnecessary fights with school and parents.

I kept with the label of it until high school, I'm the type that likes when my parents are Halle. So I thought I could please my mom and be a "girl". The only thing that changed was being called one, my actions who I was and how I felt was all male. I hated everything about being a girl. I was madly head over heels for this one girl freshman year all the way to senior year. I told my cousin Derek, then soon after felt comfortable telling friends that I liked girls. I told my cousin Ashley she kinda outed me to my parents. They were actually laid back about it, like a we knew kinda thing. I came out transgender to my friends in junior year and certain cousins. Someone outed me to my mom and that was not taken lightly.

I had come home one day and she tells my dad and he starts yelling and it was just chaotic. However my mom was taking it well, unlike my dad. After a little bit of time for it to sink in the roles had switched. My dad started helping me out and what not and my mom would fight me on everything. I love my mom and dad to death so when I was thinking of my new name I took it seriously. I wanted the same initials and to keep my middle name. My mother and I have the same middle name Diamond. My friends were all helping me come up with my new name and one said Cayden and they all agreed, said it suits me personality and with my looks. Anyways back on track it had taken me a whole year to get my dad to convince my mom into allowing me to start seeing a therapist.

My therapist is a nice lady, with me 100%. One day I went to the store with my mom, grandma, and friend. My mom asked about my time and what my therapist would say. I told her she believes me and thinks I'm making the right decision. Well she got so heated and started yelling at me in the store, my friend was speechless (she wanted to go off on my mom, but wanted to show respect), and my grandma did nothing. When we got into the vehicle my feiend changed everything to make and my name to Cayden. That's how every one found out. I was all for it.

I haven't gone to see my therapist in months now, and I miss it. Though she wanted a family meeting, and I couldn't get myself to do it. I'd have it with my dad but not my mom, and my dad loves my mom so much he'd choose her side. I wasn't about to have my mom go off on my lovely therapist. So I had been avoiding it, soon after my dad stopped having me go. I had tried paying everything for myself with money I have saved up, but they say they will pay for it yadda yadda. My dad has multiple times tried getting me an appointment with the endocrinologist, but my mom talks him out of it.

I'm at a stand still, I don't have a job yet (they keep saying to have job experience), I messed up so I have to finish school this year, and I'm getting really bad dysphoria with everything. My head is so overwhelmed right now. I don't know what to do with my mother at this time, how to tell her that this is a really big deal for me. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror, my voice, height, features, I don't like going out anymore. I feel as if someone will notice. I look at guys and just envy them. I want to start testosterone, work up to where I can have too surgery. I'm tired of all the agreements with my mom, and with how I am right now. I'm a genuine happy person, but I'm not happy with myself. Everyday it gets worse.

I wouldn't mind someone telling my story and watching me through my transition. I'm just ready and I've been ready. I want my parents there, but at this rate it won't happen. Can I get some advice on where I should start, with my mom, just everything, please.

I'm sorry this was longer than expected, but thanks for your time.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place Unfortunately the place to start is were you don't want to and that is getting your mother to see your therapist. Your therapist will know how to deal with your mother and if anyone can change your mothers mind, it will be your therapist. Your only other option will be to delay your transition until you are independent of your parents with your own income. Changing a parents mind is difficult and can take a very long time so you may have to proceed without your mothers approval.

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[TransAm]

Parents can sometimes be very slow to 'come around'.
Though transgender people have existed since mankind came to fruition, we've only just started to enter into the spotlight in modern times. Even for someone that's eighteen, 1998 was a time where the only trans people being highlighted were the comedic relief 'joke' characters. It created a negative image for trans people by and large and I'm certain that no parent watched shows like that and hoped their children would grow up to be trans.
I guarantee that it wasn't -anywhere- at all on your mother's radar when she gave birth to you that you'd grow up to be a man. It just wasn't something anyone thought about back in the day. Even now, only a little over half the general populace is starting to wake up. I've heard a couple of my friends lately (I'm 29 for reference) that gave birth make comments like, "I wouldn't care if ___ grew up and found out they were trans as long as they were happy".

You must understand that she likely had lofty (female) aspirations for you from the moment you were born. Every parent does. Some are capable of altering those perceptions (like your father) even though they may initially be thrown off-kilter. Some take longer and almost have to go through a private grieving process to let go and arrive at a stage of acceptance.
She's currently in that grieving process. It could be some time before she reaches the acceptance phase. It could be that she suddenly as an epiphany and it hits her like a ton of bricks all at once.
The best thing that you can do is just try your best to stay calm and be as cool-headed as possible throughout the ordeal. If you become angry/emotional in response to her reactions, she'll just continue to escalate.
You have to do your best to show her that your being trans has nothing to do with her having made some sort of egregious error in your upbringing to have 'made' you this way. I think a lot of parents go through the guilt phase where they assume that something they did must have messed you up. It could be that she's angry at herself for this and just not coping well.
You also have to understand that, even though YOU'VE seen yourself as a male for as long as you can recall, they haven't. This is completely uncharted territory for them. So explaining things over and over is going to become extremely redundant to you and you may start to lose patience along the way. Even though it's hard (I know, trust me), you just have to keep moving forward.
Regardless, it sounds to me like both of your parents deeply love you and are trying to work this out.

Have you considered sitting down and writing a really raw, honest letter to her? One that tells her how you currently feel, how you've always felt and how it's not her fault? Writing a letter can be easier than doing it face-to-face--especially if one party has a tendency to shut down--as it gives you time to gather your thoughts. It's also something that she can go back to and reference/read over and over to really let the words sink in even if she's resistant to what it's saying at first.
Therapy would also be a good next step for both of you to take. It always helps to have an objective third party present.

[Its_Cayden]

I have written to my mom before, she just said we will talk when I get home. She doesn't like things being done through letters, texts, emails, phone. She prefers face-to-face, I could try writing to her again, with more information. The last time I was able to deal with being trans and waiting. Though now the waiting is just stressful and I'm just ready to be myself. I'll also try getting my dad to make another appointment with my therapist, after meeting up with her I can see if she will set up a full parent meeting with all of us. Thank you for responding! ☺️

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Writing a letter could be therapeutic for you, however, even if it's never sent.

You are entering a very difficult and dangerous phase in your life as a transsexual person. Female puberty is becoming very noticeable. You will no longer easily pass as male. You are feeling more and more dysphoric about your body. You haven't had time to adjust to living as a female and you may start to have suicidal thoughts or feel that life is too much of a burden or not worth living.

You are also entering a phase in your life where you will have to become your own man and relate to your parents in an entirely different way as an adult and not a child. You are getting much too overgrown to relate to them in the mode of attempting to please them at all times. You are now going to be responsible for yourself--they cannot live your life for you--and you have to think about how your decisions will impact YOU. What is going to be the consequence for you long term, for example, of putting off medical treatment and avoiding having tough conversations so that your mom is more comfortable for a few months longer? You are now your own parent. You have to have that tough conversation with yourself now. You are now in charge of you for the rest of your life. In 20 years, will you be happy with the decisions that you made?

You do need to be honest with your mom. Be honest that you've always been a boy. Show her research about FTM brains if that would help. Help her understand that it's not parenting, it's an accident of birth. Show her the stats about suicide rates for pre-everything trans people (it's 40% versus 4% for entire population). The parents in "Raising Ryland" overcame a lot of their discomfort with the trans thing by reminding themselves of those statistics. Maybe show your parents "Raising Ryland" (it's a short film and it's on Youtube). Be honest with your mother that you kept this from her for years because you didn't want to displease her.

Wishing you the best.

[Its_Cayden]

I can completely relate to how my body disgusts me, as in the sense as it isn't the way it should be correlating to my mind set. I don't have suicidal thoughts, though there are days when I wake up and just feel feminine. I hate it, I feel as if everyone can notice my body is female, face and all. I have stood up to my mother a lot more recently, the progress with that is somewhat there. I'm working on getting a job so that I may start on T, while juggling school here shortly.

[WolfNightV4X1]

Try volunteering a bit before you get a job. Even a minimum wage job should be able to support you into getting your own help for yourself, at least to be able to start you on T. From there you at least have a jumpstart into transition and wont feel as behind anymore

[Its_Cayden]

That's the goal! To get a minimum wage job that will at least start me on T. I have applied at my local GameStop, I hope I can get it. I love all kinds of video games and would mind working in that environment.

[Thecutekittycat]

I had absolutely no job experience and I have to say that the only way to get hired with none is to apply to places and call them every few days saying "Hi my name is blank and I put in an application, I was wondering if I could have an interview" until they give you an interview. I know it seems like a pain but you have to do it to get the job.

[Futurist]

That's the goal! To get a minimum wage job that will at least start me on T. I have applied at my local GameStop, I hope I can get it. I love all kinds of video games and would mind working in that environment.

Good luck, Cayden!

Also, no offense, but your mom really does sound horrible!

[Its_Cayden]

I didn't get the job at the places I applied at, so the job search is still on. Don't get me wrong she lacks in the understanding and dealing with the transgender department, but she isn't bad outside of it.

[WolfNightV4X1]

Sorry you didnt get the job, especially when you have no experience getting a job at places you would like to is rather difficult. Fair warning, you may have to settle for what you get, and I siggested volunteering while youre applying for jobs because it shows you are doing something work related and have minor experience. If you cant get a job its important not to be discouraged because its no easy task for anyone. Start printing out your resumes and filling out applications, make frequent and regularoutings to go job hunting, even at places that arent yet hiring it might be ideal to drop off a resume in the chance they start to you may be the first one they call.

Fingers crossed, dude. I really want you to succeed

[AnxietyDisord3r]

When I was a teenager I had to apply to 5-10 places to get one job. Check out government jobs too. For example I used to work as a library page. Part time, minimum wage. Less BS than a retail job, actually!