dysphoria general to specific as hrt progresses

[becky.rw]

Something that has been kinda surprising to me in the last few days, is that I'm becoming relatively happy with most of my body as I'm able to feel and notice the changes, and they make me feel reassured that the world really might be an ok place after all.   The flaws that bother me are easily fixable to my modest needs (I could wax back and chest at will, and it'd be fine and light coming back)  beard is somewhat of a problem, but also prevents boyfail so is useful, if a bit annoying.

otoh, the male parts, the general, vague sense of body-wrong seems to be being replaced by a very specific sense of specific part wrong.   and not wrong in a quiet way, but seriously wrong.   

So, I've traded a dysphoria that was often overwhelmed by other unpleasant things, for a louder, more insistent one and the other loud, unpleasant things, are gone, so it can't be ignored or easily pushed to the side.

Anyone else experience something similar, its really making me question my basic objections to the full surgery, something I never thought would happen.

[stephaniec]

I'm seriously having problems with the massively incorrect thing between my legs. The longer on HRT the more severe it's getting. I so totally love the changes , but this problem between my legs is driving me to insanity

[Michelle_P]

Yeah, it feels like psychological whack-a-mole these days.

I think when we address the biggest nagging issue, it's like peeling a layer off an onion.  There are more things hiding underneath. We just have to keep working through the layers until we uncover our true selves.

The overall depression and anxiety was caused by the constant dysphoria.  We peel away the depression and anxiety in treatment.  We hit the general dysphoria with HRT, and get our brains to a calmer place.  Then we see what's still there bugging us, and address that.

I think I might know where this ends for me.  We all have our own onions to peel, though.

[Anne Blake]

An interesting topic and timely of you to bring up. I have mentioned in other posts that I am new to recognizing my gender disconnect and have fairly recently begun hrt and facial hair removal. I do get out and about quite a bit and am gaining a lot of comfort in being who I am. I like my looks (as much as a 68 year old woman can) and am comfortable with most aspects of my feminine presence. Just yesterday I was out to breakfast and a bit of shopping by myself, my wife was off to other things or she would have joined me. It was at a favorite restaurant and I was having a great conversation with some of the waitresses that have befriended us. All in all a totally great day and I was so fully into being me that when I went into the bathroom to relieve myself, I was surprised and sort of disappointed to find what was between my legs. It just seemed wrong. It was not a revulsion or anything as strong as dysphoric but wrong just the same and threw me off for a space. I don't at this time expect to seek surgery at any future point but I also do not want to continue being reminded of the incongruity in my identity.

I am looking forward to other comments on this topic.

Anne

[Deborah]

The beard is not a guarantee against male fail.  With longer hair and other changes people don't seem to see it at first glance.

[becky.rw]

The beard is not a guarantee against male fail.  With longer hair and other changes people don't seem to see it at first glance.

I could fall back to marine corp buzz cut + beard, but my hair's actually growing for once, can't undo the pattern baldness in front of course.   

I keep thinking I can plan for how things will play out going forward, I think I need to let that go too...

[Brooke]

All in all a totally great day and I was so fully into being me that when I went into the bathroom to relieve myself, I was surprised and sort of disappointed to find what was between my legs. It just seemed wrong. It was not a revulsion or anything as strong as dysphoric but wrong just the same and threw me off for a space. I don't at this time expect to seek surgery at any future point but I also do not want to continue being reminded of the incongruity in my identity.

This. Yeah, since going full time about 4 months ago anything that reminds me of my genitalia causes a huge wave of dysphoria. It's as if the illusion is broken, and a reminder of being a prisoner within my own body.

Have the same problem when dressing, showering etc. 


What's interesting is the much stronger dysphoria then before going full time. I don't know if the dysphoria is actually that much stronger, or it's the stronger contrast of "what's wrong" since having the norm of finally being seen as a woman all day every day by society.

[jendawn47]

i have been on hrt now about 14 months and i was wondering if the feelings i was having are normal.  I also am taking an intense dislike to that ugly thing inbetween my legs.  I want it to be flat and shaped like it should be.  My next step will be lose of the beard and i am hoping that the feeling doesnt intensify after that.  I keep going in to the dr and asking him to cut it off so at least i am flat there now.  thank you for starting this thread and have a good day


jennifer