feel bad

[Wild Flower]

I broke down and cry about thirty minutes ago after a night out. Earlier tonight, one of my female friends, invited me to hang out with some guys we sometimes associate with, and as we were walking in one of the guys open the door for her and his friend (and then jump back in line), and I felt snubbed. Twenty minutes into drinking he was mocking my drink of choice (wine).... As if I got a lemon daquiri or something. 40 minutes into it, he started insulting a female who looks and dress like a man and what not. I am not out to any of my friends or anything but I felt he was homophobic without a reason.

That wasnt what upset me.... What upset me was the fact that I am transgender and all this is boiled inside me. I felt tainted, impure, and I dont feel wrong. But I thought of my own family who would reject me for me and I keep this away from them.

I dont feel like a horrible person and I am not going to insult people. But I feel disgusted of what I am. I thought of all opportunities I am missing.... My female friend... i think knows I am attracted to guys though, and i just feel uncomfortable about it.

Im tired of all this stuff that went through my head... I think the root problem is I cant accept myself in public.

And then it made me think of my true friends... At least right now, and they care about me. My female friend cares about me but I am not going to associate with people who make me feel bad...

[AoifeJ]

Hi Wild FLower, you are not alone with the struggle of feeling disgusted.. and I am over 8 months on HRT and still feel as you, that 'I can't accept myself in public.' I have such bad anxiety that while I have gone out en femme on occasion, most notably after the Pulse shooting when feeling particularly defiant, I most often wear neutral boy clothes in public, and just have subtle tells like my long hair, studs in my ears, etc.. and I feel really guilty with myself like why can't I just show myself to the world?? My immediate family accepts me and I have a partner who loves me and supports me.. and I am free to be myself in the house, he even buys me clothes occasionally... but when it comes to going out in the world visibly trans it's like this fear and shame and anxiety just petrify me. I know I need to embrace vulnerability to experience all that life has to offer, and yet I still cannot seem to get over that hump. The struggle is oh so real.. and you're not alone.

As for that guy, forget him. I'm really starting to realize that I really don't like most guys, they are so rude and callous and offensive, and often downright threatening/menacing... I hate it. I'm sorry you had to put up with that. It reminds me of similar situations I found myself in before coming out to anyone, and it feels horrible. I say you just stop associating with that guy, and tell your girlfriend that his behavior really hurt you.

[Micki]

Eh, add me to that same clique of feeling like crud for the same reasons. I mention it often here, I was born intersex. Yet, I still feel that kind of anxiety that you's feel when I'm out in public dressed feminine. I look like a girl dressed like a boy. My parents and many of my peers from when I was younger are at fault for my anxiety, due to the lack of support they give to me, even though I was born with ambiguous genitals, plus my condition is physically obvious and I still get prejudiced against by people who know my situation.