Heya! =)
First thing's first, I like and identify strongly with the term 'pangender' so even though I (recently) hear some hesitation regarding its usage, I think it is entirely apt especially for how I identify...
I'll probably be posting a lot more, especially in respect to meditation and gender, but let's start with an attempted concise introduction.
I am a 28 year old American. I was born physically male but have always been very introspective, passive, and empathic. I don't remember exactly when I attached to the idea of being female, but I remember deriving pleasure through the visualized experience of the female orgasm since puberty. Due to social and familial expectations, I felt more confused about going further than that and pretty much repressed it for most of my life which led to all sorts of problems connecting with my body and accepting my self.
This translated into misanthropy because as my favorite occult aphorism goes:
As Above, So Below. As Within, So Without.This lack of connection with my self led to a lack of connection with others. I always felt victimized and I ended up driving into ruin a beautiful and very deep relationship I had with an amazing girl.
I had always been interested in meditation and practical magic (especially as I started to eschew the grasping of unbridled intellectualism), but it wasn't until the breakup that I made exponential progress and had several major epiphanies that redefined my life and "my" identity.
Specific details of those experiences will have to wait as I don't know the audience here well and prefer not to argue about the nature of reality and "self" in my introduction, but suffice to say it started me on the road to confronting that which I did not want to acknowledge and which was the source of my unhappiness: my gender identity.
Unfortunately, I solemnly acknowledge I am physically bound to the form I was born into (and there are all sorts of revelations to be had there) and given the current state of society and technology, physical change is almost out of the question for my circumstances.
So while I prefer female, and it much better matches my personality
, I am starting to learn how to accept the masculine aspects of my identity and to incorporate acceptance of my physical form into my meditation practice.
There's a ways to go, but the reason I identify as pangender is rooted in my (rather limited) experiences in what the Buddhists might call "formless realms" before consciousness attaches to the concept of form. From that "level," well...the possibilities are almost endless.
I get giddy even talking about it because it's extremely liberating as an intellectual, a scientist, and a genderqueer individual to even taste some of the possibilities; any dissatisfaction in my physical form disappears when taking on a form that better matches my gender and aesthetic disposition.
It's just dependent upon ability to let go (i.e. surrender) and being able to maintain focus.
So, hello everyone! I am so happy to be here and to interact with everyone!
My life's journey is just beginning, but in the not-so-distant future I'd love to work on changing this society and our reality to a state where gender identity can flow as freely and easily as changing up one's hair or clothes!
P.S. I apologize if I offend anyone based on their beliefs or opinions. Each of us has our own journey to take and our own paradigm to approach reality through. I just ask that we all be respectful and keep an open mind! =3
