Hi I'm new...mtf

[Brianna Deanna]

Well I'm not new in 47 and have been reading the post here for several days before deciding to create an account. I'm  sure my situation is not different than most here. In the beginning even before kindergarten I knew I was not who I should be as I always wanted to play with the girls. My first memories is being taken to a babysitter around 4 y/o. While there I remember wearing her thigh high boots and clomping around the house and loving it and would get upset when I had to take them off. Fast forward a couple of years, I got caught cross dressing by my mom....still before puberty. She didn't really say anything when it happened but a couple weeks later I was sitting in a shrinks office, looking back... I wish I would have screamed out that I should have been a girl. I was afraid to talk about the way I felt and I guess the doc decided it was not doing any good to continue my visits or either my mom couldn't afford it...either way I only went a few times. Soon after I went into the house of a friend down the street and "borrowed" some of his mother's lingerie which was way to big for a kid around 10 but I really felt good wearing it. Fast forward a few more year and we had moved to anther city after my father passed and yet again I entered a neighbors house and liberated more female clothing form their older daughter at sometime around puberty. I've always had issues identifying as a guy but did the best I could to keep my secret a secret. When I finally got out on my own living by myself I seem to have more female clothing than male. Since I didn't have many friends I didn't really have to worry to much about getting caught so I would dress and go out at night to mostly unpopulated places to enjoy wearing new clothes as I would get them, even had a couple of wigs. I have shaved my legs for a while several time during my life and it just felt right. Fast forward to present...I am currently on my third marriage and I know this is not who I am but like everybody else in my situation I'm scared to take the first step as I'm sure I would lose a great job and the woman I love and end up alone. I know I need somebody to talk to but am afraid to see a therapist as my secret would be discovered by my better half...ie.why do you need a therapist can't you just talk to me....well I was half joking one time and mentioned wanting to be a girl at which she replied... I married a man not a woman...so I know the marriage would end. Not really sure what to do as my whole life being raised southern Baptist it was drilled into my head that the thought I had were unnatural and definitely unacceptable. Please forgive my Grammer as I was not the best in school.

[JessicaSondelli]

Hi Brianna and welcome. I think I was at your point of life pretty much a year ago and your story pretty much reflects my own. I never thought I'd ever have the guts to come out myself, my wife or even seeing a therapist. Well.... fast forward to today and I did exactly that and while I will most likely loose my marriage, I didn't regret the decision to tell her at all. I'm now 6 months into HRT and finally seeing life in colors.

Our journey is very though and full of obstacles but as I said in a previous post: "Being transgender is hard but pretending not to be is much harder, not only on you but also on your loved ones."

Feel free to ask whatever you like or DM me, I'm happy to help

Love
-Jessica


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[KathyLauren]

Hi, Brianna.

You have to do what's best for you, whether that is transitioning or not transitioning.  Only you can decide that.

I am a little bit farther along the path than you, but not by much.  (I am hoping to start HRT in a month or two.)  If I had never figured out that I was transgender, I would probably have continued my life as a miserable man until I died.  Figuring it out meant (for me) that there was no going back.  I could never un-know the fact that I was transgender and could never forget the possibility of transition.  The regret of knowing that I would never get to be myself would have killed me.  YMMV

When it came to coming out to my wife, like you, I would not have been able to see a therapist in secret.  The secrecy alone would have ended our marriage.  So I knew I had to come out to her "cold turkey".  It was a gamble, and I knew that the odds were more than 50% that it would end badly for the marriage.  But I still had to do it in order to have a chance to be me.

Sometimes you get lucky.  My wife accepted me for who I am.  She believes that the greatest tragedy is for people to not be themselves.  I think she is right.

We are taught to ignore ourselves and our own needs.  We tend to evaluate the risks as "Say nothing and the marriage survives" versus "Speak up and the marriage ends."  A more accurate and healthier assessment, including your own worth in the equation, might be, "Say nothing, the marriage survives, and I never get to be myself (and maybe the marriage fails anyway)" versus "Speak up, and maybe the marriage survives and maybe it doesn't, but either way, I get to be myself."

I know it is a tough choice.  It took me literally months to make it.  I made it with the help of the kind people here.  Whatever you choose, we are here for you.

[Janes Groove]

Hi Brianna Deanna. Welcome to your life.  I bet that felt good to admit. There is NOTHING wrong with you!
Living in the sunlight is about 10,000 times better than living in the dark. Both for you and yours.

Hugs.

[Jacqueline]

Brianna,

Welcome to the site.

I think you are right about going to see a therapist. It is a huge first step. My wife was thrilled when I started to go to a therapist. I had gotten so depressed she was glad to hear. She wondered what was being discussed. I told her I wanted to wait to share that. I do think full communication is important. I wanted to figure out where I was on the trans spectrum. I didn't have it nailed down when we talked but I was able to see the general area.

She used the phrase that she is not a lesbian. However, being very open and honest we have kept each other up on where we are and how we feel. Neither of us can promise that our marriage will last but we want it to. It has for 25 years so we will try.

I tell you all that just as another perspective for you.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Brianna Deanna]

Well I have at least emailed a gender therepy center within an hour from the house. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember and thru the years I have tried to put it aside and not think about it and just try to be a guy. I returned to it this time thanks to a girl named corey ....I saw a video she made with index cards about being trsnsgender and I cry when I watch it. This 14 y/o has the courage to be herself is just beyond any amount of bravery I thought I possesed. Its because of her I am here, she made me realize that you cant hide forever no matter how good of a job it seems your doing. I have a 14 y/o step daughter that has recently started puberty and her body has started to change and I find myself being so jelious and envious of her I just want to scream. However I think she would be the only person I know that would possibly accept me if I were to tell her but then again im the only dad she has ever known. Since seeing the video on youtube of corey it has brought memories flooding in and I get very euphoric  thinking about things from my past and the possibility of what could be, I cant really explain why but I know down deep inside I should have been a girl.....I hope this post has not violated the rules. Thanks to all who have replied.

[Janes Groove]

Good for you Brianna Deanna.  Small steps if taken with purpose, intent and presence will lead to long journeys. 
You know the feelings won't go away. Right? Take my word for it. The thought that someday I would quote unquote be "normal" whatever that means is a phantom I chased across the years.  And here's a little hint of what's to come.  Aging itself has a feminizing effect on males.  On all males.  Our androgen levels naturally decrease as we age. Why do you think Viagra is a billion dollar business?  You can imagine the heightened effect this has on transgender people assigned male at birth.  It's an even stronger effect/phenomenon.  The feminine feelings and need to express one's inner gender identity with a more genuine external expression only get stronger.   At least they did with me.  And so does our inner conflict if not confronted.  It's best to deal with it now.  It's the healthiest option.   But congratulations on taking another positive step. 

[Brianna Deanna]

I know what I need to do and have for a long time and have wanted to for along time...I'm just scared of losing everything my wife would flip and my boss would absolutely fire me on the spot if he had an inkling about me behind the scenes..hes a deacon ..southern Baptist. He has really voiced his opinion about the bathroom issue here in N.C.I really love what I do for a living, HVAC service tech. Not a lot of women in my line of work.

[Jacqueline]

Do you or your wife have a lot of family in the area? HVAC is needed all over the country. I don't mean to sound flip. However, it does sound like something has got to give. I am pretty sure I was where you are. Easier for me as I grew up in the north east as a Presbyterian (both are more accepting). However, I thought it would be impossible. However, as Jane Emily mentioned; the older I was getting, the more this was driving me both into depression and a little nuts.(sorry for the run on sentence).

I am glad to hear you contacted a gender therapy center. If  there is a long wait, I would highly encourage you to start general therapy till you can get in there. I was carrying so much with me initially that anyone would help to start.

Wishing you love, acceptance and a smooth path.

With warmth,

Joanna

[CarlyMcx]

If you are not accepted in your part of North Carolina, then move to Palm Springs, California.  The city has a 51%  LGBT population.  And it is in the desert, so they always need HVAC technicians.  The only downside would be having to work on a rooftop A/C unit in the 115 degree summer heat.

[Janes Groove]

I know what I need to do and have for a long time and have wanted to for along time...I'm just scared of losing everything my wife would flip and my boss would absolutely fire me on the spot if he had an inkling about me behind the scenes..hes a deacon ..southern Baptist. He has really voiced his opinion about the bathroom issue here in N.C.I really love what I do for a living, HVAC service tech. Not a lot of women in my line of work.

I wanted to be a woman my whole life.   I let other people persuade me away from my true calling for too many years.   There is a great Jane Austen novel about a woman being led astray by other people's persuasions. It's actually called Persuasion. The ITV1 movie version is really good. It's available on DVD.  https://www.amazon.com/Persuasion-2007-Sally-Hawkins/dp/B000YIGNKE  Spoiler alert: It has a happy ending.

NC I've heard is tough.  It's pretty laid back where I am.  In Colorado.  I'm lucky.

But if there is a gender center near you they may have a real life support group.  I was so scared when I went to my first support group meeting.   I actually believed I would be judged more harshly by other transgender women that the rest of society.  Boy was I wrong.  I go practically every week now.  I learned that it's a support group.  It's purpose is to support each other.  Kind of like people who resist going to the emergency room forgetting that the reason emergency rooms are built is for emergencies.

[Gertrude]

I know what I need to do and have for a long time and have wanted to for along time...I'm just scared of losing everything my wife would flip and my boss would absolutely fire me on the spot if he had an inkling about me behind the scenes..hes a deacon ..southern Baptist. He has really voiced his opinion about the bathroom issue here in N.C.I really love what I do for a living, HVAC service tech. Not a lot of women in my line of work.

Move. There are better states for people like us and most places need HVAC.


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[Brianna Deanna]

Unfortunately I have a little more. My second wife and I had a son who is now 11...see him every other weekend... he is my biggest fear where all this is concerned. I could not do it with out him. I love my current wife but the lost would pale in comparison.

[DawnOday]

I sympathize with you as I too lost someone I love way back in 1979. She was my dream girl and I let her slip away. We had been together for 7 years.  But mostly it was a lie as I knew my interests were elsewhere. I didn't know this would undo everything but i had to crossdress when I came home from work. She noticed her makeup disappearing. I didn't know the reason she cheated on me. Now I do. As the therapist explained it I had subconsciously chose my trans personna over my wife. Which on the surface sounds ludicrous but it didn't take me long to see she was right.  I strongly feel I'm a DES baby. My mother had a history of miscarriages and by coming to this site the pieces started coming together.
That was six months ago. Since then I have apologized to my first wife. Speaking to her for the first time in 37 years, I have come out to my family and some friends. Finally told the truth in therapy instead of passing it off as stress as I had the other 7 times I went.

Last month I started HRT already the healing has begun and I am actually getting my mind back. I am for the first time in a long time being kind. I can hold a conversation without being flustered that I ran out of things to say. I don't have the pent up anger I used to. Lastly I am so lucky to have the family I do. My present wife didn't marry a woman but she still loves the former man underneath. My children have been fabulous, because I raised them to have an open mind. My fear comes from the public and not the family.

[Gertrude]

Unfortunately I have a little more. My second wife and I had a son who is now 11...see him every other weekend... he is my biggest fear where all this is concerned. I could not do it with out him. I love my current wife but the lost would pale in comparison.

There are always compromises with this. Hopefully you find a balance that you can live with.


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[SailorMars1994]

I'm just 22 so dont have the same struggles but if u ever need to vent I am here

[Rhonda Lynn]

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to Susan's Brianna.

It's easy to focus on your fears and the immediate future. One thing that clarified things for me was to imagine my life 10 or 20 years in the future. Who do you want to be? How do you want to live your life? We only have one life to live.

When I came to my own point of personal crisis, my own fears were not so different than yours. I feared that I would lose my career, my family, friends - literally everything. I did lose some things, but gained much more. Everyone's path is different and I don't want to try to advise you on what you should do. Only, don't assume that your worst fears will be realized.

No matter what, you will always be the parent of your child - and a good and loving parent if that is what you choose to be.

I'm very close with my children and I'm glad that the person that they know is the real me and not someone that I tried to force myself to be because I thought that is what was best for them.

Hugs,
Rhonda

[Brianna Deanna]

Now that all this has resurfaced I'm having issues with sleeping...lay awake at night and think about everything. It now consumes my thoughts all day also. I have not had a reply to my email yet and I'm wondering how soon I should send another.

[Jacqueline]

Yes. Lack of sleep when grappling with all this is very common. Not that you are not an individual, just happens/ed to a lot of us. I have always had trouble sleeping. Getting on HRT seems to have helped that as well. I have the occasional night(oddly enough, last night)  but mostly, I sleep well now.

Write a polite email when ever you want. I know you don't want to be a pain but just do one every few days if there is no response.

Good luck.

Warmly,

Joanna

[Brianna Deanna]

I actually got an email response stating the prices of the initial appointment and the subsequent appointments along with the charge to determine the possibility of "cross sex hormone therapy. So when funds are available I will be going in to hopefully figure out the direction to go. How exactly do they determine if hrt is the right course to take...is it a given or can they refuse?