Relationship Discussions About My Transitioning

[Micki]

My fiance and I are really close and that's not going to change, we're together now for many years and get more close each and every day. Excellent match in every way and intimacy is phenominal. My question though has to do with how I discuss matters of my transitioning with him. He's ridiculously attracted to me, obsessively attracted to me. So I don't want to do things that'll interfere with that. I attempted to entertain the topic last night, though it was so late at night that it didn't garner a response from him, so I think I should've asked at a more ideal time. I apologised today for asking such a serious question at such an inopportune time and he just shrugged it off and said he's fine with the question. I'm still however not too sure how he thinks regarding this and how I should continue approaching him about it. I do have some ideas how I should get into the discussion, though I'd really like some input for those at this forum. Insofar as my transition is concerned, I was born intersex, so I'm already in the middle of the sexes. I do plan on doing some more feminisation though and make a more deliberate attempt at growing my breasts more, preferably natural using hormone therapy. I've taken hormones in the past and I've liked the results. My concern with my fiance though is how to ask him what kind of feminisation for me and what kind of results would attract him. So if you can offer any advice on this I'd really appreciate it thanks!

[Sharon Anne McC]

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If you don't mind me saying so ...

Your transition should best be based upon your own personal motivations and needs rather than someone else's desires.

Unless you are averse to the results of full M-F hormone cocktail, those medicines will develop you as if you were otherwise female.  I read occasional posts here that some only do low-dose estrogen.  You must decide what you want.

Then there is electrolysis or laser - face and body.

What do you want for your bottom anatomy?  Is yours currently mixed?  Do you prefer one versus the other or to stay mixed?

If your inter-sex has given you an advance on female anatomy below the belt, then you may only need revision surgery rather than full SRS.  Your endo or gyn can direct you.  Correspond with surgeons for their opinions.

A good counsellor will help you sort through your issues.

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[AnxietyDisord3r]

I had to have a frank discussion with my wife when it was time for me to transition. I had to bring up my fear that she would no longer be attracted to me if I got top surgery. It turned out she was okay with it. You say you have a very close, deep relationship with you fiance so just be frank that you really want to transition but you're really scared of how he'll react to it. So far his reaction has been calm so I think you probably don't have as much to worry about as you think.

[Micki]

So many thanks to you's for such kind and such intelligent replies!

I can easily understand the obvious differences between intersex and transsexual, though in my opinion, there really isn't too vast of a difference overall between intersex and transsexual.

It just seems like to most males and females though, the conditions are so rigid. I've been through this with females and with males in relationships. If they can't just accept things as they are. I've dated females in serious relationships and they want me to masculinise myself. I've dated men who want the same. If the men are into transgendered ladies, then they get freaked when I explain to them that I was born like this.

To me, that makes no sense, considering, in my opinion, I'm not much different than a transgendered person. I've had straight men shun me for the complete opposite reason, such as when I tell them that I consider myself somewhat transgender and even transsexual because although I'm intersex I'd like to further enhance my femininity, thus I'm transgender and transsexual.

It just seems like the males and most females that I've dated or came close to dating are selfishly ignorant to these things. I'm quite aware that there are many males and females that are compassionate to people like us, it just seems like I haven't had any luck in meeting up with any to date.

[Anne Blake]

Hello Micki,

I will side with Sharon Anne on this. First and foremost, it is your life and you need to understand what you want out of it. You need a solution that allows you to fulfill yourself and one that you can and want to live all of your days with. If this works out for your fiancée, so much the better.

Second, a good, strong, long lasting relationship should be based upon open communication. This is a skill that needs to be developed and fostered in every couple. My wife and I did not understand this when we got together thirty plus years ago but some how survived. We have since found that, picking an open unscheduled time (evening seems to work best for us) and openly saying that we needed to discuss something that we felt was very important set the stage for the other to be able to listen and ponder and respond. If the topic is something new, be prepared to allow him time to think it through, which may take days, but commit to getting back together for resolve. This communication thing is what makes or breaks virtually every relationship and sadly is something that few of us work very hard on.

Best of luck to you, and please let us know how it works out for the two of you.

Anne

[Micki]

Thanks so much for your advice too. I totally agree with all of you how you say that I should do what I like.

To answer some of your questions about my status and situation, I was born with underdeveloped external male genitals and some female parts on the inside. I had some corrective genital surgery immediately after I was born, too. Insofar as how I identify myself, I simply just identify myself as an intersex person, though I do align myself more as a female than as a male when it comes to my gender, insofar as how I feel most comfortable presenting myself, such as clothing and style, terminology, etcetera. Like many people of all sexes, I like looking attractive and staying young, so I like doing standard cosmetic things to keep myself as feminine and youthful as I can, within reason. I'm reasonably comfortable with my genitals as they are though I'm indeed considering vaginoplasty.