Am I doing the right thing?

[WhisperingEarth]

Hello all,

I have been a bit MIA for a while and haven't done too much sadly as I have been busy with work life and trying to get in shape somewhat so I have been spending about 12-14 hours out of the house. I've recently done a lot of changes to my life such as praying once again ( something in which I haven't done in quite some time ). Come to terms with my gender and the bigger one of coming to terms with my sexuality. Yet with all these revelations in my life I can't help but feel there is still a hole in my life like there is just something...missing? I don't know how to really explain it other then that and I'm wondering if it's really the fact that I want to transition or have I just become to busy in life to enjoy my new found lease on life?

Granted I am and have been in a relationship for the past few years but it's been a bit on the rocky side. Almost everything I have done is in private. I found a therapist, emailed with her back and forth and even made a FB as well as twitter account for my feminine side; yet all of which are still in the closet. I will say that the happiest I seem to be is when I get the time alone to actually be myself so I'm not sure if it's really me losing the aspect of becoming what I want or what. So I'm kind of at a loss as the therapist is in my network but will take at least 1/3 of my paycheck every week. We would be talking tomorrow if there is anyway we can do it weekly via sliding scale but won't go to my deductible.

I guess I just don't want to harm anyone by doing this and I'm still trying to talk myself out of it, despite pushing forward every day trying to make it happen.

[TX16]

I want to hug you right now WhisperingEarth.

Reading what you wrote, it was like I had written it myself. The struggle to come to terms with who I am, and how I want people to see me, has been very hard. I am still struggling with it from time to time, but I try and keep a positive attitude. I too have been doing everything in secret, behind my husband's back. This site, my male facebook and gmail account, my blog, etc. I am happiest when I am alone and can go to my facebook, come here, write a blog entry, etc. I feel bad too, because I am not longer so happy when my husband comes home, because it means I have to "put Trent away" until the next day.

I think, because it is the same with me, that the hole you are feeling, could very well be your need to be yourself 24/7. Living a double life, like we are, isn't easy. It takes a toll, both mental and physical. I believe talking with the therapist would be highly beneficial for you. It would give you another outlet, another chance to be the woman you are meant to be.

As for losing people, and trying so hard not hurt them... that is difficult. I spend everyday worrying over the pain I am going to cause my husband. I hate it. I don't want to hurt him, but there comes a time, when you have to focus on you. You are hurting by not being your true self. There is only so much pain that a person can go through until they say ENOUGH. It will suck when we both have to come out of the closet, but the negatives we face will be hit with the positives of being free.

I wish you so much luck with this journey, and if you ever need to talk, please feel free to message me.

[WhisperingEarth]

Thank you Trent it means a lot to know that I'm not alone in feeling this . I certainly may have to take you up on talking to you as of right now I don't have too many I can.

It certainly is tiring to get a chance to be what we want. Generally I stay up till about 5 or 6 AM which gives me two or three hours to be Ashanti, yet I need to be up and ready for work by Noon or one at times and...and I don't think I can keep this up too much longer.I believe this is one of the reason why I had stopped before was just the amount of times that I had to suppress my will to want what I wanted.

The loss of people...after thinking it over there are a few I could deal without and even the gf as of right now I could. My main concern comes in the form of my parents...and to a lesser extent my sister. I just don't know how much they would disown me if I were to start transitioning. I guess I just don't want to be left completely alone with almost no one to turn to and I feel like that is what I would have to deal with when the time has come.

Thank you again for replying Trent you don't know how much it means especially knowing that you aren't alone in this . I certainly hope you will get more time to be Trent and won't have to hide it especially if the same things I am going through you are as well. It's almost too tiring...

[TX16]

I know that feeling well. Finding out you aren't alone is very helpful.

Your situation sounds very rough. I get a lot more time to be Trent. My husband goes to school and work typically around 9-9:30 and then comes home around 5-5:30. So I get a nice long day of Trent. It has certainly helped. I can't imagine only having a few hours to be you. That is hard. Keep your head up though, and try and remain as positive as you can. Transition, in all of its forms, is never easy.

I understand the fear of being alone. In that case, I think what you should ask yourself, is... is it worth keeping people in your life and being depressed? Or is it worth finding that inner happiness at the risk of losing them? Family is a hard thing to lose, but in finding yourself, you may very well find new people to put in your life. Positive people. Your parents and sister might surprise you too, and be okay with it.

My mother is accepting, but not understanding. Which might be how it goes with you. Even with her acceptance, she still says and does thing that hurt my feelings. I know she doesn't mean it, it is her lack of understanding that does it.

How do you parents feel about the LGBT community? About transgender people in general? Have you tried testing the waters of how they feel if someone that wasn't their child, was transitioning? How you handle coming out is up to you. Either with small baby steps, or just jumping right into it. If you lose them, it will hurt, but if they can't accept you being happy, then more positive people will. It all takes time.

It is a very tiring situation. Everyday I want to tell my husband, but I don't. I will get there one day, as I know you will too. Stay strong.

[WhisperingEarth]

It lifted my spirits quite a bit upon hearing that and yes it is quite difficult only getting a few hours a day to be myself. I've tried at least incorporating a bit more time into changing all my online gaming profiles to my feminine one and even putting twitter on my phone ( Which can be hard given the gf likes to go through it ). So generally I have to make sure I scrub my phone clean of any indication of Ashanti before I walk through the doors and try to put the smile on my face as if everything is alright.

In all honesty I think the only one that would be..."Accepting" of it would be my mother. My sister would probably end up laughing at it and my father wants nothing to do with the LGBT. I remember watching the news and something along the lines of people who are gay came up as the topic and immediately said "No and I don't want those people near me." He is a very devout man of the bible and comes to find it is the law of all, my sister is slowly starting to become that way and I'm not even sure what happened before. Before she would have been on my side and now it's like I have to choose between making my dad happy who loves to say "One and only son" versus keeping myself happy, I guess I really just don't want to disappoint him especially after getting this far in life as a male.

Right now I guess the fear is that I just wouldn't have anywhere to stay really and I'd be fearful of transitioning in a small town. I know I am approximately an hour and a half away from Chicago but I have no contingency plans as of yet in the worst case scenario. I try planning it and every day as I drive to work I can feel myself wanting to just drive all the way there but I never do. I will say I have a few positive friends of the LGBT but they have their own issues and wouldn't want to intrude on their life. I have started to drop a few subtle hints at work in a way and mannerisms are changing ever so slightly to give myself at least a small taste of what I want to be.

It's just exhausting at this point with one day off and then it's spent all day here and no time to be myself until roughly around this time which is the twilight hours of the night; but hopefully come next Wednesday when I meet with the therapist my life will start turning around .

Thank you again Trent for taking the time to talk with me and listen to my woes

[TX16]

Ashanti, I love the name. I'm more than happy to talk with you, and hear your woes. I understand them so so well. It is a bit uncanny. Haha! Walking this path is hard, so I really hope that I am helping you. You're definitely helping me already, as are these forums.

I am really sorry to hear about your dad. My grandmother is the same kind. My mother is a lesbian, and she just about disowned her when my mother came out. My grandfather wanted nothing to do with her, and I know it would be the same with me, but he passed on years ago. I love my grandmother, but I am extremely worried about her walking out of my life. Putting on mask for other people is never easy. Sometimes it has to be done, but it can only be done for so long. Something like this is hard to keep in. You found yourself, and a lot of people in their 70's still haven't found themselves. That is huge! So being able to be you is the next step, even if it is further down the line, and if you lose some along the way.

I too am stuck unable to say anything out of fear of not knowing where to go. My mother and sister are an hour and a half away, in a much smaller town than I currently live in. I have two kids, and would be a massive burden on them if I had to move. So I really get that. For me, I am working on getting everything on track for myself, in case I do have to live on my own. Maybe start putting small amounts of money back each paycheck? Give yourself a savings to fall back on if you have no where to go?

My best advice, because I had to learn it myself, was to take things one step at a time. The big picture is scary and intimidating, so take it all one step at a time. Figure out a contingency plan too. You can do it. Ashanti won't let you fail right? I know my inner me, which I call Trent, won't let me fail.

[WhisperingEarth]

Thank you kindly then for listening Trent and glad it is helping you as well! I have to say with posting on here especially in this conversation with you I'm slowly starting to become a little bit more relaxed about things and grow into the idea of going all the way someday so I certainly want to Thank you for everything you are doing .


Your grandmother sounds a lot like mine :/. Seems to take on that ideas of "moral" values which I can only imagine what would happen when mine finds out about any of this...I'm worried about mine walking out as well especially after spending so much of my time at her house various holidays and even just showing up to spend a week with her I'd hate to have all of those thrown away; but I'm starting to see it as if my family doesn't want to appreciate me for what I'm trying to do to be happy then so be it. I'd hate to lose them but I've been down the depression and anti-depressant route and usually made me worse off than when I started.

Well I've been trying to put some away lately the gf is barely able to make some payments on stuff so I had been paying a little bit more before and working a lot of overtime ( which left very little room for Ashanti ). Now I've started making more conscious choices of giving only 2-300 leaving me with quite a bit of my own instead of just 100 for the week or so. Due to all of this I am just physically and mentally exhausted with so little time to try and every time I get close to become Ashanti I seem to get interrupted. To which due to my exhaustion I think I made an error and left some information out which may make her come out a lot more if she noticed.

So far I'm trying not to run like I usually do with most things and walk instead; my life steadily gets better each time I make choices as Ashanti rather than the other persona. So things seem to be on the upswing. Thank you again so much Trent for helping me realize some things about my life .