How old were you when you realized you were different?

[Dee Marshall]

I'll jump in, (as I do with everything, feet first!)

One of my earliest memories was of a dream that I was an alien, from another planet. The architecture in the dream looked very much like the way they portrayed Krypton in Superman comics in the 60's. I think the images came from those comics. I was born in 1959. As a child I read a lot of comic books, fantasy, horror and science fiction. I've always had a deep seated belief that I was something strange and wonderful. An alien? A monster? A robot? I considered them all, but I didn't consider what turns out to be the truth until I turned 54 several years ago.

In my middle 40's my testosterone levels began to drop. I have no idea if, prior to that, they had been especially high or if I was simply overly sensitive to it. As they dropped I began to have dreams and daydreams of being a woman. I even dated a lesbian, which confused us both. When I confessed that to my wife it very nearly ended my marriage ten years earlier. I sometimes think that ending it then may have protected her from the following years during which I was miserable, confused, and seeking. Three years ago this coming December, while researching what "transgender" actually means I gradually realized and admitted to myself what kind of strange, wonderful being I am.

Pity me. The 60's were so androgynous, knowledge of people like us was so sketchy and often wrong, and I was too interested in women to  realize without having it rubbed in my face despite decades of women telling me I thought and went about sex as they do. If I had been interested in boys and if the girls I knew didn't mostly dress just like the boys did I might have figured it out at puberty.

Here I sit, in the ashes of a life that really wasn't mine, trying to  build the life I should have from them. It's amazing how many pieces I've managed to retain.

I have several regrets, and I'm sure most of them are obvious to you, but the one that comes back to me most often is that I wish I could speak just once more with that lesbian woman to explain to her what I've learned and maybe remove some of her confusion.

[Amanda_Combs]

I was about 10.  I've always gotten along better with girls.  When I was very young, I thought it was coincidental.  But at the age kids started separating by gender, it became apparent that I was being grouped in the wrong one.  Everytime girls had "girl talk" and excluded me; it hurt in a special way.

[swatch]

My mother had to tell me I was not a girl, that I should not do this or that, I was four maybe. I have no memory of that, she told me. I realized I was in dire straits when I was five or six.

[DawnOday]

Kindergarten when I went to play with the girls rather than the boys. I've always thought girls were more interesting. At seven we were dressing up in my sisters costumes and asking Mom to put makeup on me. Which she obliged. Then she told me how cute I was and I was hooked.

[CodexUmbrae]

New to this forum buut anyway.

I'm 17 and I came out to know what really transgender is (in my family they never talked to me about "sexual" things and so, so I always thought trans was just dressing the other gender clothes in a crazy way to get attention... "Stereotypes" from where I live) about a year ago, and it was like... I knew that was the reason why I always felt... wrong, why great part of my drepression is.

It was actually a little weird, let me explain.

I always hated dresses and "girl-clothes", I also remember that when I had like 4 or 5 years my mother bought me a dress and she tried to force me to put it on when we got home. I cried and made a big fuss about it, she got angry and ended up giving it to one of my two little sisters. I always, secretly, wanted to wear boy clothes... Everytime I went shopping with my family, I looked at the boy section and really wanted to go. Like... I always looked at men's fashion much better than women's. I also used to look at the mirror and see my face more boyish... And be ok with it. Always had more boy friends than girls, always hated barbies and make-up and so... When I was 10 and my breasts began to grow... I felt so bad. I refused to use any kind of bra for a long time, and I got so shy and never wanted to anyone saw me naked. Always wanted a remote control car or a helycopter for Christmas, rather than dolls. Actually... I still want a helicopter. ^^' I love videogames, specially Halo and Silent Hill and Resident Evil... And I used to play them a lot with a friend when I was between 8 and 12 years old. Obviously, that friend was a boy.

By the other hand... I never liked sports. For a long time I had a very long hair and made a big fuss if my mother said a word about a cut (until I was 13). I loved pink and hello kitty until I was like 10. And, more important... I like boys, not girls. If I was to like girls I probably knew I'm trans since 10 years or so.

I always felt different from the others, but didn't know why. I mean... I never was social. Always had problems with talking to people. I'm so introverted... And I always been pointed as the smarter-than-average. "Wanting to be a boy" didn't really crossed my mind so clearly, as I always just wanted to fit. And having a wrong concept of transgender... I never had a clue until recently.

I'm actually still struggling with all of this, since I haven't told anyone. But... Being pointed as "he" when I go to places where no one knows me (just went to a photo contest in other city and almost everyone called me a boy, even knowing my name... I have a weird name, but a think is pretty feminine). Or at school, just began a new year and all of the new students thought I am a boy... A new one (I look pretty younger), but a boy. And I was so happy being pointed as him... Specially in the contest. Everyone called me cute and so, but as a man. And I'm so surprised, as I don't even have a binder (just have small breasts and a sport bra, as I'm very short and small all my clothes fit me big and I just walk kind of curving my shoulders and use black shirts or sweaters or anything to hide my breats), my voice is... Well, I think it is kind of feminine but I guess is more of neutral... Guess what made me pass was my neutral face, my clothes, my cut and my mannerisms and way of walking and so.

Anyway, being treated as a boy got me unexpectedly happy. And that's the way I am pretty sure I'm trans, gay, but trans. Just trying to get the courage to tell someone in my family... And hoping to be able to handle all this and be patient. Very patient...

Weeeell thank you for reading xD (really wanted to "unburden" a little bit) and sorry for my english, not a native speaker.

[Kylo]

Probably about age 6.

I'd been told by my mother I was different constantly. I think she thought it was complimentary to tell me I was special in some way. Whether it was the fact I rarely cried at all as a baby to other childhood oddities she was always saying it. As an adult she now finds it difficult to accept just how different I apparently am from her vision of me. Very ironic.

But it wasn't her that made me first notice it. It was my grandmother. When I was about 6 or 7 she would try to impress feminine ideas on me. Don't get dirty in the garden, don't whistle or walk about with hands in pockets, sit this way, don't say this don't say that... and finally "have pride in my appearance" and endlessly making me feminine clothes and trying to get me to act a certain way. I remember thinking she was probably just old and stuffy or something, but other kids started acting the way she was telling me too and then I knew something really was up.

[Jacqueline]

New to this forum buut anyway.

I'm 17 and I came out to know what really transgender is (in my family they never talked to me about "sexual" things and so, so I always thought trans was just dressing the other gender clothes in a crazy way to get attention... "Stereotypes" from where I live) about a year ago, and it was like... I knew that was the reason why I always felt... wrong, why great part of my drepression is.

It was actually a little weird, let me explain.

I always hated dresses and "girl-clothes", I also remember that when I had like 4 or 5 years my mother bought me a dress and she tried to force me to put it on when we got home. I cried and made a big fuss about it, she got angry and ended up giving it to one of my two little sisters. I always, secretly, wanted to wear boy clothes... Everytime I went shopping with my family, I looked at the boy section and really wanted to go. Like... I always looked at men's fashion much better than women's. I also used to look at the mirror and see my face more boyish... And be ok with it. Always had more boy friends than girls, always hated barbies and make-up and so... When I was 10 and my breasts began to grow... I felt so bad. I refused to use any kind of bra for a long time, and I got so shy and never wanted to anyone saw me naked. Always wanted a remote control car or a helycopter for Christmas, rather than dolls. Actually... I still want a helicopter. ^^' I love videogames, specially Halo and Silent Hill and Resident Evil... And I used to play them a lot with a friend when I was between 8 and 12 years old. Obviously, that friend was a boy.

By the other hand... I never liked sports. For a long time I had a very long hair and made a big fuss if my mother said a word about a cut (until I was 13). I loved pink and hello kitty until I was like 10. And, more important... I like boys, not girls. If I was to like girls I probably knew I'm trans since 10 years or so.

I always felt different from the others, but didn't know why. I mean... I never was social. Always had problems with talking to people. I'm so introverted... And I always been pointed as the smarter-than-average. "Wanting to be a boy" didn't really crossed my mind so clearly, as I always just wanted to fit. And having a wrong concept of transgender... I never had a clue until recently.

I'm actually still struggling with all of this, since I haven't told anyone. But... Being pointed as "he" when I go to places where no one knows me (just went to a photo contest in other city and almost everyone called me a boy, even knowing my name... I have a weird name, but a think is pretty feminine). Or at school, just began a new year and all of the new students thought I am a boy... A new one (I look pretty younger), but a boy. And I was so happy being pointed as him... Specially in the contest. Everyone called me cute and so, but as a man. And I'm so surprised, as I don't even have a binder (just have small breasts and a sport bra, as I'm very short and small all my clothes fit me big and I just walk kind of curving my shoulders and use black shirts or sweaters or anything to hide my breats), my voice is... Well, I think it is kind of feminine but I guess is more of neutral... Guess what made me pass was my neutral face, my clothes, my cut and my mannerisms and way of walking and so.

Anyway, being treated as a boy got me unexpectedly happy. And that's the way I am pretty sure I'm trans, gay, but trans. Just trying to get the courage to tell someone in my family... And hoping to be able to handle all this and be patient. Very patient...

Weeeell thank you for reading xD (really wanted to "unburden" a little bit) and sorry for my english, not a native speaker.

Interrupting the Thread to welcome CodexUmbrae to the site.

Thanks for sharing your personal information. It isn't always easy but it does feel better to unburden. I think a lot of us continue to struggle a little through our journey's.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Sno]

My folks moved around a bit when I was young, so I always was the new kid, the odd one, who had a funny accent.

As it was a persistent thing in my life, I grew headstrong and independent - basically doing my own thing and be damned. Puberty was no joy ride, and I ended up with therapy in university to help work out what was wrong - by then the catalog was long, and I didn't tell the whole story (self harm, "dealing" with my day to day mixed up downstairs, i was an alien (stranger) or my ambitions to stay at home and look after my children....).

One of my early memories was, sadly, of having a trans person pointed out to me, and being told "you don't want to end up as one of those". What I'd done to deserve that comment, or what had raised my fathers transphobia, I will never know. There are vast chunks of my childhood that I cannot remember, destroyed I suspect by my own mind to protect me, but my mind has not been able to consume the emotion, I still feel vile trying to think about it, even if I can't remember anything...

Sno

[Monica Jean]

Thank you all for your heart felt responses.  I had a hunch most of us knew when we were really young.  That alone nullifies the argument that "kids don't know what gender they are until they are 18" nonsense. 

[Victoria L.]

It happened in stages. I first felt 'off' in 5th grade (when I was 10/11). But at that point, I had no idea what I was feeling and understood it only as jealousy. So I just thought "I want to be a girl". The feelings were very intense, but I thought I was just crazy.

It took a few years later until my feelings were sorted out and validated. I ended up walking in my mom's room and there was either a news segment or a documentary on (which meant she wasn't really watching it, or she would changed it) and I just caught a clip of it, where it was talking about transgender people and I was like "OMG. That's totally what I am. It's a real thing. I'm not just crazy!".

I have it all documented in diaries, my 'transition' to recognizing it as something that isn't just me. My sudden steep into melodramaticness alongside that recognization is also well-documented. 

[RobynD]

With the benefit of hindsight, i realize i knew pretty early - kindergarten likely. Based on who i wanted to play with, what toys I wanted to play with ( i loved to play with dolls and the kitchen etc because i saw other girls doing it). I always felt different as a kid

[TX16]

I'm an odd duck out too. I didn't really feel anything weird, or out of the normal in my early years. At least that I can remember. I had brain surgery when I was 14, and actually don't remember too much of how I felt in my childhood years due to it. I have memories still, not all of them, but still memories, but no real idea what I was feeling. I know that when I was around 9 I had dreams of being a boy, but didn't think anything of it.

I didn't start to feel off, or question things until I was 16. That went on for two years, with me identifying as trans, without actually knowing that that was what it was called. When I was looking into it all, there weren't that much information available, so I didn't have a name. I just knew I wanted to be a man.

Fast forward to this summer, at the age of 29, and I know exactly who I am and want to be, and have a name and all the research I could want.

[charadreemurr]

i'm new here but i hope it's okay to share here
i never knew i was different until i was in 9th grade, but all the signs were there throughout my life. actually, i didn't even know trans was a thing you could be until my freshman year of highschool, i didn't know there was a different way to be.
i finally learned about the concept of being transgender in 9th and even then i learned about nonbinary trans people before binary transness through the magic of tumblr, so i thought i was nonbinary (well i mean i am nb but only a squiggle)

[Mitternacht]

i think I always knew. some of my earliest memories are of my being confused as to why I was not what I was supposed to be. Even before I had a clear vision of what gender really was I just felt weird and none of the other boys would play with me like they did their peers. Recently my mother told me that all of the parents of my friends though I was going to turn out to be "gay" as they said (that was their way of saying trans i think). I always shopped in the boys section for clothes when I was little, but didn't really start to come out fairly recently, when I was about 19 i think.

[SadieBlake]

8/40

OP, thanks for distinguishing between different and trans. I wish I'd known earlier about the trans bit and yet I also know how much more hazardous my life would have been when / where I grew up.

[Asche]

I'm going to say 6/60.

I'm pretty hazy on pretty much everything before age 9 or 10, except to know that I was pretty miserable (but not as miserable as when I was 10 and 11.)  Life was an unending series of catastrophes, by which I mean things I did or didn't do which were treated as moral failures on my part.  I know that by age 9, I was routinely called "queer" or worse, and did not fit in with the boys.  I could not fight and preferred things like music (which was only for girls back then.  Ain't growing up in the ante-bellum South wonderful?)  I remember that I was probably 7 or 8 when I read (or was read) the Oz book where Tip finds out he's really Princess Ozma and has to be changed back to a girl, and it always made me afraid, which I've always assumed meant I somewhere thought maybe I was a girl.

As for 60, I wondered if I was trans after I read Zinnia Jones' post "That was dysphoria?" and pretty soon rather reluctantly came to the conclusion I was.  (BTW, that's about when I joined this site.)

I agree with SadieBlake, though: it would have been really dangerous if I'd ever been conscious of being trans back when I was still living in the South.  I've never been able to keep my mouth shut about anything for very long, and not only would the other kids and adults have tormented me even worse if they'd known, but I'd have probably suffered the sort of psychiatric abuse that passed for treatment of "homosexuals" back in those days.  (In those days, any sort of gender-variant behavior was labelled "homosexual," not just being attracted to the same sex.)

[Maybebaby56]

A very interesting thread! I seem to fit the general pattern. I started dressing up in my mother's clothes around age seven or eight, but I didn't understand why and I felt horribly ashamed of my behavior.  I am 59 so this was about 1964 or so.  As I grew up I always envied the girls - their bodies, their clothes, their feminine essence.  My teenage years were horribly conflicting, with raging hormones causing me to be both attracted to girls and wanting to be them at the same time.

When I went to college in 1975 I was able to go through the stacks in the University libraries to try to figure out what was wrong with me.  I knew I had no desire to be a ->-bleeped-<-, but the closest concept I could find was transsexual, and that seemed to refer to those who surgically altered their bodies, so I figured that wasn't it, either. 

It really wasn't until a few years ago that I heard the term transgender, and while the description fit, I was still trying desperately to suppress those feelings and be "normal".  Finally, in January 2014, at age 56 (part of the meaning of my screen name Maybebaby56), I admitted to myself there was no more fighting this.  I accepted the fact I was transgender. Everything since then has been about trying to salvage what I could from my old life and start a new one as a transgender/transsexual female.

~Terri

[Paige]

I distinctly remember in the mid 60s lying on a blanket in our backyard with a friend when we were 5.  She was a bit of a tomboy and I remember her telling me that she wished she was a boy.  I just listened but remember thinking of how I wish I was a girl but already had been trained that boys didn't say stuff like that. 

Transgender as term had not been invented.  I didn't know it was possible to take hormones or have operations until much later but I always knew.  The word may not have been there but I always knew. 

I was ashamed for a lot of my life and hiding it but it was always there.  Now I'm no longer ashamed, I'm just trying to practically figure out how to change my life in my 50s after building this fake male persona and social situation.  Low dose for now.

Thanks for starting this discussion.
Paige

[kathb31]

It was when I was 3 years old and digging my sister's dresses out of the
laundry and putting them on. At that age I thought it was perfectly ok
but remember my mother scolding me and telling me that boys shouldn't do that.

[Sinclair]

Thank you all for your heart felt responses.  I had a hunch most of us knew when we were really young.  That alone nullifies the argument that "kids don't know what gender they are until they are 18" nonsense.

Agree, I knew I was a girl by age 12. Everything in my adult life has validated that.