I've been having an interesting time of it lately. I've been going out a lot in public, shopping and just going out, presenting female. Passing more than I expect, but I'm not sure how good a judge I am about that. Maybe I've been getting read more than the Sunday paper! I find that I look at myself in the mirror, and find myself smiling! I like how I look! This is in contradistinction to my usual lifelong profound self-loathing.
Went to a conference in Chicago over the weekend. Spend a lot of time there out female. Loved it! Went to Hunter's, and it was about 1/3 transwomen. Got hit on a lot, which I found mostly annoying. When it was a transperson doing it, it seemed that so much of what was sexualized, was a deep longing for someone, anyone, to accept them as they are, both gender aspects. Maybe. I'm very interested in other's thoughts/feelings.
Then later, I was shown a photo of me, in boy mode. The person who took it thought it was a good picture of me, and probably was. I was shocked by it.. then was sobbing with self-disgust and discouragement. To the point of having suicidal fantasies. It seems that the more comfort that I have with presenting female, and seriously seeing that I maybe really can transition (maybe even passing), the more intense the body/gender dysphoria is. It isn't present all the time anymore, but when it's there, it's really really strong. I really see now what some have told me. That for them, transitioning is a choice to live.
I'm very interested in other's thoughts/feelings. And thanks.
Tara
